i.
we met four years ago
you had asked what color my eyes were
before even learning my name
i found that entertaining
because no one knew the answer to the first
and no one could pronounce the second
but turns out your name was strange too
and your eyes were actually similar
and together we decided our eyes were hazel
and my irises were strung with rings of cerulean blue.
ii.
we met four years ago
and the first months were a dream
i had found my partner in crime
we were both the protagonists in this story
at least, in my innocent copper eyes
i never had to ask you questions
i thought i knew all your answers
and in those days everything was set in stone
it was okay if you leaned on me a little too hard
it was okay for me to always forgive you when you never apologized
because you were like a sister
sisters do that.
iii.
we met four years ago
but the one year mark was when things grew sour
i asked you where your new scars were from
before i knew of a monster named depression
you met my concern with agitation
and crafted stories about sharp trees and staircases
it never occurred to me that your lips formed lies
i cared enough about you, took your scars as my own
i suppose i pried too hard, invested too much into you
together we began to drift apart
and it turned out i had always loved you more than you had me.
iv.
we met four years ago
but two years in I stopped recognizing you
i asked you why your hipbones stuck out like knives
and why you treated books on anorexia like the Bible
you found my worry judgmental
because you bought into the media's lies
you insulted my own appearance in desperate self-defense
our inside jokes and hazel eyes turned ugly
my slim figure turned fat in comparison to yours
and together we did nothing.
and now that i think about it
i can't remember a time when you had failed to drain me.
v.
three years ago i asked you one last time
what color my eyes were
you never answered the phone
never called back.
so i suppose this means i never knew you to start with,
after we met four years ago.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Has to be my favorite lines from this poem <3
It's even more beautiful because I can relate. Amazing, Night!
Thanks Dutiful!
I must admit, it is typical for me to lose interest fast, but with this poem, that was not the case whatsoever. When I first began reading this I thought it was going to be a love story...I was delighted when I discovered that this was not about a romantic relationship at all. I enjoyed this entire poem, but a few significant things really stood out for me.
The poignancy in these lines is incredible:
"we met four years ago
but two years ago I stopped recognizing you."
Also, at the end when you say:
"three years ago i asked you one last time
what color my eyes were
you never answered the phone
never called back."
These two parts really grasped my attention. I love and admire the emotion you put into this poem; it is very nicely done.
Thank you!
Hello!
I can tell this is a very personal poem, and I hurt a bit through this, which is always a good thing.
That said, I think that you have a few too many words here. It gets pretty wordy, and I think your meanings are diluted in the excess of words. See if you can simplify this down to its bones. Obviously that will make it less of a narrative, and, after you try that, if you decide that you like the original better, that's cool. I just think that this would be super powerful if you packed a punch into EVERY SINGLE LINE.
"cerelean" I think you were trying to say "cerulean"
I like the story behind this, and I can understand what's going on. I went through some of the same things. My "best friend forever" from grade school doesn't really acknowledge me in the hallway, even though we had no falling out or distrust... we just drifted apart. But I understand the pain at the end of this. What I'm trying to say, is that you effectively got the message across to me, but I'm not sure... what if someone reading this had never had these experiences? Would they understand? I'm inclined to say yes, but I'm unsure.
This is a really good poem as it is, and I'm finding it hard to give you specifics, mostly because it's so personal, and I don't /know/ what the most important parts of this are, because I wasn't there. But I think you know. And I think you know what you could get rid of/simplify without disrupting the poem or the flow. I know you can do it!
Keep writing!
~fortis
Thanks so much, fortis. I agree that it's a bit wordy. I don't think this is one of my better poems, but I wasn't sure how to cut down on it without cutting into the story. And I can't believe I misspelled cerulean! Bah.
I appreciate your feedback. I'm really not sure how to make this better, because it's such a complicated, personal poem that I wrote mostly for myself, but I know that if I tried I could make it better for other people to read it. Thanks again.
~Night
Perhaps come back to it when you're further away from the emotion in it? Or one day when you're feeling emotionless in general.
Maybe I will. I'm not really one to return to poems, but maybe eventually.
Whoa... that was a little hard to follow because I only know a little about relationships.. but I really enjoyed it. I think... K so.. I might need some explanation, so my review will be general. This is a relationship I gathered. I feel the emotion in it, but it seems off somehow. Like something vital is missing. I told you already that I was a little lost, but I was lost emotionally as well. The emotional department seemed a little lacking. Next, did your eyes change color? Is this about multiple people, one couple, or in the eyes of one person? Did the eyes change because they were a different persons or because you weren't the same anymore? On a happy note, I liked the fact that you used roman numerals, because it was simple and to the point, and not many people think of that. Can I use that idea in my own writings? Third, back to my questions, sorry I'm jumping around,
I don't really understand. I get the staircases, that makes sense. But you haven't given much of an idea of.. mind set of the other person. Like is/are he/she/they/you a rock climber or what hobby? What job? Can you explain that for me? Sorry if I sound so clueless, but I think this piece is very interesting and I really want to help it go somewhere and understand it. Would you mind explaining it to me, please? I want to help in any way I can, that is if you want my help. I don't want to force it upon you. These are the questions I have to start.. I think you should reword this . This just doesn't feel emotional or make any sense logically in my opinion. I think you should separate jokes from hazel eyes, because although yes they both turned ugly, the items themselves have nothing in common, as your eyes reflect your soul and your jokes reflect your personality as a person. I think that might be a run-on sentence, oops. And.. I think thats most of it for now. Will you answer my questions? I want to know if I can help. Keep writing, my friend. I think you are a good writer. Don't lose your drive. Cynder out.Hey Cynder! Thanks for the review. The story behind this poem is...personal. That could be why you found it confusing. But I'll put it together for you to understand.
i. I have a really weird name and weird eyes. Four years ago I met my best friend (or so I thought) and she asked me what color my eyes were before my name. My eyes are kind of hazel color, and so were hers. So we found that funny and it became an inside-joke of sorts.
ii. Basically we were best friends, but I held more weight than she did, if that makes sense.
iii. My friend started to cut, and when I asked her where her cuts came from, she lied to me, saying she'd fallen down the stairs or cut herself on a tree branch. Our friendship started dying.
iv. My friend started starving herself. When I tried to get her to stop, because I cared about her, she insulted my own appearance. When I talked about the inside jokes and eyes turning ugly, it was another way to say that the friendship was going bad.
v. This represented our friendship being officially dead, and how I had not known my friend as well as I thought I had.
So basically a lot of this poem is symbolic and pretty personal to me. Hope this helped!
Hello there Nightcrawler!
First review of being on YWS! So, I like how the first line repeats on every single stanza. I find that it makes the poem very interesting. A couple problems though. When you said "I" when you were referring to yourself, you left it lowercase. There are no capital letters in the poem at all. I don't find an appeal to that, really. You did use periods as punctuation though. It doesn't rhyme, but it tells a story. A great story! Great job! I am glad I reviewed this!
Hey unknown. This is a free verse poem, so capitalization and punctuation is optional. Thanks for the review! Welcome to YWS!