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lune morte

by Sonder


the wolves have stopped howling now.


their warbles and screams and cries to the sky echo,

quieter now, weakening,

they echo softly between the heartbeats drumming in my ears.


they once begged for the moon to turn and pay attention,

for the world is not made to live in darkness for such a long while.

do you not see what's happening? do you not see our pain?


but the clouds muffled their pleas in churning blankets of smoke,

the final sliver of silver slipped beneath the horizon with a small, dying gasp, and

the golden stars began to wink out,

one

by

one.


the wolves have stopped howling now

but i am still here.


they are gone,

my bones are cracked, my tongue is stiff, and my feet are bloodied,

but my breath still fogs the air.


i am still alive.


and if the wolves can scream no more,

their hides having shrunk back into the ashen shadows from which they came,

if the earth has swallowed their cries into the darkness,

their yellow eyes ablaze and flickering no longer,

if all that i can feel is their

echo between heartbeats,


let me fill my lungs and howl.


let me howl for the pain of loss and the pain in forgetting and the pain in moving on

let me howl for hearts broken and souls heavy and eyes blinded,

let me howl for all the laments whispered and screamed and repeated

because they are real.


let me fill a sky black, a world uncaring, a moon unreachable,

and let it change.


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Sun Nov 29, 2015 12:25 am
Mea wrote a review...



So, since you haven't gotten many reviews yet, I thought I'd come back and give you a review on what is probably my new favorite poem on here. And I'll try to make it more than just gushing. xD

But really this is so beautiful and the imagery is perfect and the last line in particular is just <3. I love love love how it ends on that sort of positive note.

Let's get into the review now. Really, the only overall advice I have is to watch out for the little words that really don't need to be there, in order to make this more consice overall.

their warbles and screams and cries to the sky echo

I'm not so sure about "warbles." It conjures the image of an opera singer, which really doesn't fit. :P Maybe something like "sobs" would work better?

for the world is not made to live in darkness for such a long while.

This line is just a bit on the wordy side - the repetition of "for" doesn't work for me. I think either changing "for" to "because" or using a different phrase than "long while" would fix it.

but the clouds muffled their pleas in churning blankets of smoke,
the final sliver of silver slipped beneath the horizon with a small, dying gasp, and


Again, this is a little bit wordy, especially the second line. I think "with" would make more sense than "in" in the first line. In the second line, I think the problem stems from how you have to pause after each of the last four words. It almost makes it read like "small. dying. gasp. and," if that makes any since. It loses cohesion because the reader has to pause so much.

It's a simple fix though - just take out one of the adjectives. Probably "small," since it's not a very strong word anyway.

and if the wolves can scream no more,
their hides having shrunk back into the ashen shadows from which they came,
if the earth has swallowed their cries into the darkness,
their yellow eyes ablaze and flickering no longer


The second and fourth lines here are weak, burdened by an odd sentence structure. In the second line, you could delete "from which they came" entirely - "back" implies that well enough. "Having shrunk" just sounds awkward.

I think if you made the second line in the "if" format, it would work better overall, but I don't think that's the case for the fourth line. However, it would ruin the lovely symmetry to change one and not the other, so I'm not really sure what you should do. You could delete the fourth line entirely - it mostly just reinforces the point you've been making with the rest of the stanza. Just play around with it until you find something that works.

let me howl for the pain of loss and the pain in forgetting and the pain in moving on
let me howl for hearts broken and souls heavy and eyes blinded,
let me howl for all the laments whispered and screamed and repeated
because they are real.

let me fill a sky black, a world uncaring, a moon unreachable,
and let it change.

*sniffles* <3 Beautiful ending.

And that's all I have for you. This is one of those poems I'm going to come back to again and again. Amazing work. <3




Sonder says...


Thank you thank you for the amazing review. Wonderful suggestions. I'm so glad you like it. <3



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Tue Nov 24, 2015 6:45 am
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BlueSunset says...



Dead moon. <3 How beautiful.




Sonder says...


Thank you. <3



BlueSunset says...


:D



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Mon Nov 23, 2015 1:08 pm
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Legolas13 says...



Me gusta <3




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Mon Nov 23, 2015 9:11 am
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Sigyn wrote a review...



I am a tiny bit speechless but not enough to praise the amount of goodness this poem is. The softness of the poem even just having no captials really make it seem small and quiet but very final. The flow works so well for the poem and the strength of the poem is so evident because everything has a purpose unless I'm reading too much into it. Like the full stops make everything so final espeacially that first line, killed me. It was just power in a very simple line but it was alone and it was just dskuyygwejhv. That's what you have reduced me too not being able to express myself in words properly. Just a very beautiful and well thought out poem.

I hope to see more of your work to come. <3




Sonder says...


Thank you so much for the kind review! :) I'm so glad you liked it. <3



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Sat Nov 21, 2015 2:35 am
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Mea says...



This made me cry. <3




Sonder says...


<3



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Sat Nov 21, 2015 1:35 am
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penfeme wrote a review...



Absolutely beautiful! I love the imagery, the style, and ultimately the way you tie in your message with it all. And can I say I love the phrase "sliver of silver" because it's such a creative play on words? Not many poems impress me (not that I'm to be impressed), but your poem shows thoughtfulness, something I appreciate very much. It is portrayed in such a way that I can hear your yearning in my mind while reading it. You have a skill for personifying your voice through words. Very, very lovely, friend.




Sonder says...


Thank you for the lovely review. :)




I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye