it was easier to pour out my soul when it wasn't stuffed black,
when my pillows were soft and i still had eyelashes.
i wish that i could pull my ribs apart and dip fingers in
with nails still white and teeth still sharp, and that i could
scrape off the edges and swiftly pull forth
a poem
a story
a sentence, godammit,
and encase the nightmares that fester within.
a gentle surgery, and gentler nights.
here was a soul that was easily cleaned, and a mouth with a jaw easily unhinged,
and sewing thoughts into words was much simpler when
i had thread left over.
go on, darling,
peer deep inside.
do tell me what you find in there.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,690 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
it was easier to pour out my soul when it wasn't stuffed black,
when my pillows were soft and i still had eyelashes.
i wish that i could pull my ribs apart and dip fingers in
with nails still white and teeth still sharp, and that i could
scrape off the edges and swiftly pull forth
a poem
a story
a sentence, godammit,
and encase the nightmares that fester within.
a gentle surgery, and gentler nights.
this reminds me of a song. the lyrics.
Nice poem ^^
Thanks!
Wow a very refreshing poem, that didn't lean on a cheap title or a lame premise. Very good work. Keep it up.
Thanks!
I like that Nate is not afraid in this poem.
Dang it. I was trying to strike fear in his soul.
While I appreciate all the 10 Reason posts (they are a nice fun read) I think you really need to be commended for firmly holding a place in the spotlight!
Also appreciate the fact that your works have strong personal expressions. Something, DrFeelGood should learn, who mostly repeats his formula. XD
Spoiler
Haha, thanks. I feel a bit awkward now with my poem just hovering among all the fad pieces. XD But it's also a bit of an honor! Thanks again!
Hi there Nightcrawler!
I was originally just going to leave a comment congratulating you for holding your own in the Literary Spotlight among the "Things Nate Is Afraid Of" fad pieces, but I looked over it again and I have a few comments so I'll make this a proper review.
I can relate to the feeling expressed in the poem, how at times it can seem impossible to say what you really want to say. Overall, I think this is beautifully done.
I think adding "my" makes the first line flow better. I also think the second line feels out of place here and could be moved, possibly to the end of the first stanza. Where it is, I feel like it interrupts the movement imagery (dipping, scraping).
Overall, lovely poem that much deserves its place in the Spotlight. Keep writing!
Oh, interesting suggestions! I'll definitely look into that. Thanks for the review!
This poem was very morbid and a little confusing, but i might have gotten some aspects of the message; if there wasn't any message, then i could say it was pretty creative and good that you're trying your best.
"i wish that i could pull my ribs apart and dip fingers in
with nails still white and teeth still sharp, and that i could
scrape off the edges and swiftly pull forth"
This part seemed a bit masochistic; the imagery of it made me feel both disgusted and in awe. Though you should work on it a bit, I still find this a great work of art and hope you post some more.
Every poem has a meaning. Otherwise, it's useless. This poem was about how I wish I could express myself and put my emotions into words, but how it's very hard to do so. It wasn't meant to be morbid, I was just trying to get across the difficulty I experience.
Also, the point of a review is to tell me what needs work. You said this needed some work. Could I have some specifics please?
Thanks for the review!
well, the grammar needs some work, but, all-in-all, it's still a good poem.
Lack of capitalization was intentional. Artist choice!
you need to learn how to take criticism better. Listen to what people are telling you and take it under consideration. Otherwise you'll never grow.
I got no criticism in this review other than how I didn't capitalize. That is an artist choice, so other than that I was explaining the meaning behind my poem and actually asking for more specific suggestions. I wanted more criticism so I could improve, which is what you want me to do, so I don't think your comment was necessary. :/
I concur with Nightstalker here. Criticism actually very well taken here, better than I would have, probably!
Also, as a person who also finds difficulty with expressing themselves and putting their 'emotions into words', I found this very relatable from the get-go, so yeah. :3
Hello there, here to review your poem! Wow!!! That's all I can really say. I have nothing to critique you for, because this is just flawless.
The raw emotion just cuts through every line! It's amazing. You certainly have a true talent for constructing your crazy emotions into one concise piece. This is one of the best poems I've read on this site, and I say that to very few, because I am a total stickler. But this- it's just breathtaking.
"i wish that i could pull my ribs apart and dip fingers in
with nails still white and teeth still sharp, and that i could
scrape off the edges and swiftly pull forth..."
I really like the imagery you provoke here, as well as the word choice.
Let me just say, keep it up with the free verse! What a masterpiece!
Happy writing,
Kali Lennon
Thank you.
First two lines are great, I just want you to know that.
Thanks.