i.
tree branches
slit open a
blue sky bleeding
clotted cream
peeling from a
fireball
swirling roiling twirling
without a care in
without a care for
the world.
ii.
stars are breathtaking from afar
but
sear scorch burn
up close.
iii.
tubes and air tanks
slit open a
boy's chest bleeding
crimson starbursts
twisting into something once resembling
a heart, he's
part of an evolution of
man and nature and everything that
leaves
children
behind
and regrets
nothing.
iv.
a baby whose
cheeks turn blue and
does not cry
when he
sees a boiling universe
and
feels the
throbbing pain of a
harsh bright impassive world
is a sick one.
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I really like this poem. I love how abstract and heartfelt it is. I would read more. I like that you made the choice to not really finish each line completely, so that they all blend together. It works really well. I love the verse ii; it's really great, and true for many things. I also love iv. I can't exactly explain why I love it, but especially: and feels the throbbing pain of a harsh bright impassive world. Just a fantastic part. The last line (is a sick one) is just wonderful too, as it ties the whole thing together. Were you writing about something in particular? A true event maybe, that made you feel all of this? I don't know, but it feels like it came straight from your heart. Truly excellent writing!
-ChloeJoelle
This poem is based on my family's current struggle with adopting a boy with a major heart defect from China, so that's what I was drawing from. Thanks for the review.
I'm not a believer in smalltalk before a review. I'll keep this brief because I'm sleepy, but this gripped me rather viciously and I'd like to examine why.
Your weakest points in the entire piece are the first and second stanzas, as they build star imagery that, while nice, doesn't feel connected to the cold meat of the poem until the very final cadence when describing the world as throbbing and impassive. It's for this reason that I don't think that the two stanzas should be removed, but definitely altered in a way that allows us a taste of content connectivity in preparation for the throat-cut at the end.
Furthermore, I would examine the line swirling roiling twirling and consider whether the playfulness of rhyme is really appropriate for your purpose here, or rather for the ambiance that you've achieved.
In stanza two, I think it's worth noting that stars do not just sear scorch burn up close. They consume. They engulf in nuclear flame. They are powerful and careless giants and I think you could accomplish a much more potent image if you were more accurate with the nature of stars in the first place.
iii. is the obvious and critical sweet spot for piece before the throat-cut, but it doesn't really GET me until the second half:
And while this content is fantastic and while it leaves me breathless, I am very skeptical about your flow and in-particular your choice of frequent line breaks. I'm not calling for an overhaul; I want you to experiment and find the format that is most conducive to the cadence you want shown in the world. Just know that whatever you choose, you're working with fire and gunpowder here, so there is hardly any going awry.
And the final stanza is nearly flawless--save for the obvious unravel in the very final line, which may count as its own stanza, if you really want to be particular. If I'm being perfectly honest, I like the entire stanza better as an incomplete thought; a fragment that is allowed to be a fragment because this is allowed under your license as an artist. There's no need to tell us he's sick--it's clear from the final two stanzas. Allow us as readers to soak in what we are capable of taking in.
All-in-all, make up your mind on a realm or two of accuracy and necessity, and I think you'll have a piece that, at your level, is a perfect representation of wild talent. Let me know if you want to discuss it further.
Ty
Oh goodness, this is exactly what I needed. This piece is wildly unedited, but I couldn't decide what needed to be cut or altered, exactly. I agree that the first two stanzas need a lot of change, and I really like the suggestions regarding the violence of stars. I never considered leaving the poem at a fragment, and I can't decide if I adore that idea from an artistic standpoint or if my schooling had latched too deeply into my subconscious.
Regardless, thank you for the review. It's tremendously helpful.
Hey Epic here
First off I think this poem is great, you have explained what you are trying to say well and I understood it.
First thing, there are no capital letters, I do recommend adding them in. The title also hasn't got capital letters in it (which it should). You have little punctuation and in the fourth stanza there is zero punctuation. I don't know if it's just me being really bad at poetry but I didn't really understand the third stanza at all, my eyes just glided over the words with out reading it because I didn't really get what it's about.
Overall I think this is a great poem, I hope I helped you.
Keep writing
EPICnumber1~~
Hey there! So to explain, this poem is in free verse, which means that no conventional poetry rules apply. The lack of capitalization in this was a stylistic choice and in poetry, there are really no set rules. In the future, perhaps discuss what you take from the poem instead of grammar/ capitalization issues that may be intentional.
This poem is also very personal to me, regarding adoption and a very sick boy who will hopefully be my brother soon. Sorry you didn't understand it, but it's based on personal experience.
-Night
OMG now you're making me feel bad! Honestly I'm new with the whole poetry thing and I didn't know but I did have an idea that I was something like that. I like the fact that it's based on a personal experience because I like poems like that, they're better. Sorry again
Epic
It's okay, don't feel bad! It goes against all we're taught in school, so it's understandable.
Thanks for the review!