sometimes I'll stare at old art
retracing the charcoal lines with fingertips soft
ashes etched into the coarse parchment
each stroke a whirlwind of passionately executed tragedies
curling over and through my imagination and into reality
to form a dream long clenched between baby teeth
and gripping a pencil in my fist.
sometimes I'll look up the definition of success
and the results are unsatisfactory
so I determine that sensations of panic are nothing to fear
these mistakes and aspirations are mine to hold anyhow
between the folds of paper and under a cross-knit sky
I dare to mar this purity bound by silver rings
yes, I dare to admire what I love most is this because
dammit
this is mine, I made it,
and maybe it will be enough to get me
out.
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Sup, gruffin?
I love your poetry about art. I find that I can relate to it a lot.
I love the tenderness in this piece, and how hardened it gets at the end.
I like the sentiments behind it too!
I think the one thing you could improve about this was the vagueness, especially here:
That just seemed rather vague to me, and honestly I wasn't sure what you were talking about during the whole stanza. I understand the end about how you made it and it's yours (I get that feeling a lot, heh), and I get the spiral-bound notebook or three ring binder with the silver rings, but I'm not sure what the whole stanza was really trying to say. It think it was just a little vauge.
The first stanza is really nice though. I could picture it all so well
Very nice poem. Let me know if you have any questions! And always keep writing!!
~fort
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you and did I mention- thank you! Are you wondering what that was about? Well I'm going to tell you. You kept your capitalisation consistent. So many people fail to do this or don't realise the importance of doing so (leading them to not comment on it)! It is one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to poetry. I will say, however, that in the last stanza you use commas (which I like) but you don't in the rest of the piece so either remove all of them (...) or add them in throughout the piece where necessary or viable (which is my preference)
Apart from that, I love the concept of this piece... being an artist (or wanting to be one) is not a waste of time! Interesting scenarios, analogies and metaphor usage and just a great piece in general!
Good work,
Tate x
Hi there, Nighty xD
Well, this is gonna be my first review after a couple of weeks. I don't review these days because my exams are just around the corner and I don't have much time to write some useful reviews. But I couldn't resist from reviewing this masterpiece.
Before I start reviewing, congratulations on making this amazing poem on the spotlight. Well deserved!
Let's first talk about the title. Well, that attracted me the most. I always say "Let your passion become your obsession because obsession has no bounds."
So good job on making the title so awesome. Although, not necessary, but I still feel that the first letter of each word, in your title, should be capitalized. Still it is up to you but you know, those capitalized ones looks a little cute. haha
Do you think it is grammatically correct? I mean, I am not sure but do you think "an" should be there after the word 'at'?
Just asking! At least, I would include one there.
Well, the first stanza is brilliant. The use of vocabulary and everything there seems to be just fine. This is my favorite part of the poem!
One thing to be notes though. Although, it is totally up to you to use the punctuation, which you didn't, it is a friendly advise to use them. They sure a helpful for the reader. It was a little difficult for me to imagine where the sentence is ending and when a new one is starting. For example:
So, this is one sentence, right? The third line is a new start, I guess. Still a little blur over this.
Wow! Just amazing. I liked it a lot. Kinda gave me some motivation to follow my passion here. haha
Overall, the poem was really good. I liked it!
It was small, precise but really strong. This is a quality a poet should have - tell a lot on less words. Well done with that, little poet! xD
Keep writing and thanks a lot for sharing such a great piece of writing. You are the best.
Hey donizback.
Thanks for the review.
Have a good day!
Uh...your suggestion with the "an" would be wrong, as the context I have it in is plural, and right now I believe it is correct. But thanks for the idea anyhow.
And regarding punctuation: poetry isn't meant to be grammatically correct and flow as prose does. Writing rules are guidelines, not set-in-stone restrictions in this context. Hence my lack of punctuation and lack of periods. I mean for my poetry to be read aloud without many breaks (except stanzas, of course) and so I often leave punctuation out to allow for more interpretation on the reader's part.
But yes, thank you for the suggestions! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
This was rerally beautiful. Dont let anyone tell you being an artist is a waste of time. Van gogh only got famous after he cut off hsi own ear and died a couple years later. Being an artist is challenging, in every way. But just remember if you dont do what you love, why do something at all? There wise words to live by.
Thank you!
Hey!
This poem is exceptional. I love it, it's beautifully written and the imagery is so deep. You write with so much emotion, and I love the long line structure.
In particular, your choice of vocabulary really is fantastic. It creates such an amazing picture and draw the reader in. The "cross-knit sky" and "passionately executed tragedies" are beautiful!
I also love the ending. The stylised 'dammit' is perfect and the change in structure really punctuated the poem.
The only criticism I can find comes in line eleven. The 'anyway' feels superfluous and with the two commas it sounds a little confusing. Maybe the emphasis is somewhere else, so try reading that line through to see how it sounds.
But literally that's it. Grammar wise, you nailed it, which is so nice to say. I just want to keep reading the poem and extracting new meaning, and that is the sign of a truly great poem.
Well done , I really hope to read more from you soon!
- Arathorth
Thank you for the review! This poem was just a compilation of all my feelings when people tell me that being an artist is a waste of time, and I really wanted to show my passion for it. Thanks again!