Guys, I need help with this one. Something doesn't seem right. And this is quite a special piece for me because it's autobiographical, only I wrote it third person and changed the protagonist's name :/
Flower patterns on her dress,
hair all tied up in a mess,
little do they realise
that this is simply a disguise
-
Pretty smile across her face,
walking with such poise and grace,
they’re only blinded by their thoughts,
she’s hiding secrets of all sorts
-
Sally floods her bedsheets with tears,
drowning in the midst of her fears;
Sally makes white towels pink,
pools of blood going down the sink;
all she wants, all she needs
is a little love and care
-
She escapes to a dreamland,
illegal substances in hand -
but how long will it last this time?
And will she ever really be fine?
-
If she tells you she’s alright,
say: “Sally, I’ve got all day, all night…”
sit beside her, listen well
and you’ll understand she’s lived through hell
-
Look beyond the sparkling eyes,
maybe they’re clouding cries;
there is no sunshine in her soul,
she’s thrown her joy down a hole
-
Sally floods her bedsheets with tears,
drowning in the midst of her fears;
Sally makes white towels pink,
pools of blood going down the sink;
all she wants, all she needs
is a little love and care
-
She prays for perfection,
a little love and care;
she prays for perfection,
a little love and care…
I liked this piece a lot, Id love to hear it. So much emotion and flowed so perfect.. A couple parts didn't rhyme but that's fine because I'm sure it went with your song. There really isn't much to worry about, because i could feel her emotion within myself, very sad but true and honest and that's the best kind to read!
"She prays for perfection,
a little love and care;
she prays for perfection,
a little love and care…"
Loved it, Good luck on your journey.
Hey, Mikster!
This piece is very well written, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. You always seem to astound me with your talent!
There were some rhyming couplets that didn't seem to match up well (i.e. "thoughts/sorts"), but the song itself definitely told its story, and rather effectively. You have lovely imagery. It's hard to say what to nitpick on.
In fact, just one thing seemed to pop out to me. At the end, it mentions her praying for perfection, but I never got that impression anywhere else in the song. It starts out setting up the mysterious girl and goes on to tell us that, in reality, she really isn't as delightful as she seems. She's actually rather miserable! So it goes rather depressingly, but I didn't see any glimmer of hope to indicate she wanted perfection. Maybe there's a better way to lead up to that, to foreshadow the last stanza? Food for thought!
This couple also seems long compared to the rest of the stanza. It probably sounds better when sung, but as I read it, it certainly sounded like a mouthful! The rest of the stanza, however, sounds really, really awesome. Totes wouldn't change that.
I'm.. not sure about this! Seriously! On one hand, I like the tie back to the sink? (Sinkhole! Drain! Teehee!) But on the other hand, the last line sounds a little forced. I think I'd keep it sooner than get rid of it though, but it certainly occurred to me, so I'll say something in case that's what might be bugging you as well.
But that's all I can honestly pick out. You have a lovely song! I enjoy reading your work. You're very good at writing lyrics.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
:') thank you so much. And yes, my main problem was with the chorus. You're awesome <3
Hi MikStar!
This was really good! I could actually imagine Sally and everything you've written about her. But I just had a small problem with the beginning. There are only four lines, and it feels like there should be at least one more. It feels sort of incomplete, if you know what I mean.
Also, this seemed more like a poem than a song, just because it rhymes. But that's probably just me. xD
Besides that, I love this<3
Keep Writing!
~Lemony
Hey that was really good, i reckon you did really well on the last verse and it ends well, you are really good! The second last paragraph was also really good, except it creeped me out a little bit you know how it says ' pools of blood go down the sink ' yeah well i think you should change it. I would also want to reccomend publishing this in a magazine as it is very good and it would do well in a womens magazine!
Thanks! And the 'pools of blood' part worked weel then, if I managed to creep you out. I like when readers feel something when reading my work. But thatnks for the comment