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139,436 Literary Works • 672,563 Reviews
Nice.
Hi, Mikster! Back agaaain!
Teehee. Yay for random prompts! I love it when they work out into something you're halfway pleased with. That actually kinda worked out for me in one piece I wrote for a contest. The contest holder and I are still uncertain how I came up with that idea from the prompt.... But it was fun!
Anyway.
I have to say that I love your chorus. Very much. I kinda just pretended to sing it to some obscure tune I could kind of pick up for the sake of getting the hang of the song (as I usually do, but), and I liked it a lot. The flow is awesome, and the metaphor and imagery you used were very effective. It just made me incredibly happy.
I'm struggling with the first stanza, really? Trying to tie it all together to bring about a message of some sort. Now, I could be extremely thick (and many times, I am), but I couldn't get the relationship between the opener and the chorus. Now, the mention of pain in the second stanza? The metaphor was used for more than the chorus, so it helped to tie it together. I just couldn't connect the first stanza.
Well, hm. I'm starting to think it's more if the metaphor is following the message rather than the other way around. The speaker talks about things getting better if they walk away, then the chorus has them asking someone to take them away instead. So there might actually be some inconsistency.
But the chorus just sounds so cool. xD So.
I also like the reference to the high pulse. Another correlation to the hospital metaphor. In fact, the fourth stanza also works well. I just struggle with the opener. And what happened with how the speaker left, so to speak. 8D
It's an awesome song. I wish my random prompts turned out so well.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
It's really good. Some of it doesn't rhyme, but oh well. It doesn't really matter about rhyming. Anyway it was really good. There is only one other thing I had a hard time picturing it as a song but again that's just me. I don't have a great musical ear.
But it was still really good. Thanks for posting it. 
hey! first off, I love it!
I was wondering if you had the music for it?cause it would be great to get the beat and tempo off it 
and what instruments ( Im very nosy i know!)
but thats just me! 
second off- just mind your typing, youre missing some letters-eg last line- lock instead of block
I really love it though and id love it a little longer!!