Abruptly everything got blurred,
Tears welled up in my eyes
For the words that stroke my ears
Carried the message of your departure.
I froze at the spot,
The words hit me like a thunderbolt.
The heart cried, "NO, you can't leave."
Your silent death made a great noise.
Earth has lost a good soul.
I can still hear
The muffled sobs of universe
And feel the quiet sorrowfulness in air.
Those big eyes, long-wavy hair,
Heart-melting smile, soothing voice
And a body internally equipped with
Kindness, love, devotion and honesty.
Your absence haunts me.
Your final shallow breath
That disconnected us
I wish it never crossed our path.
When your deficiency shatters me,
My tears even defeat a rain
But soon I realize, you were an angel
And angels don't live on Earth.
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138,364 Literary Works • 672,109 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
The first thing that I noticed here were the emotion words that you used. I'm not one to really like the usage of them, and here's why. Emotion words are often things that are different from person to person. My sorrow is not the same as your sorrow, nor do we perceive the word the same, so define what you mean. Instead of telling us that you're happy or sad or anything of that sort, show us it. Metaphors and similes do great in this aspect because they compare that emotion to something else and it becomes more distinct and easier to understand.
There are a lot of vague and broad lines or words in this poem which is something that I wanted to touch on. Instead of using broad lines, use detail in them, use imagery of them. I think that this would be a better memorial poem if you happened to be more personal with it? Give us more experiences with that person so the reader also gets to know them and we get a real feeling of who they were.
It's a touchy topic and I don't want to hit any nerves, but show us about them if this was about them. One thing I did like was the formatting because I think it fits the tone of the poem. I suggest you add more imagery which is something that would fit the poem well. I think this would do better as down-to-earth more than anything else because it seems to fit that. I hope I helped and have a great day!
Thank you very much
Heya, MahVash! Casanova here with a review!
First off I would like to say that I loved the poem and the message behind it. You've put a lot of emotion into it, and I hope you don't mind if I give you a few pointers.
I'll be taking this piece be piece, or stanza by stanza. Hope you don't mind-
The first thing I would do would be strike,"got," from the first line, it adds an elementary tone to this and it just sounds rather weird. The next thing is in the least line, I would consider switching,"carried," to,"carrying," as the words are currently doing that, or at least I'm pretty sure it should be present tense there. Overall I can tell and sense the emotion in these lines, and I give you props for that.
Anyway, here the tense also makes this seem weird. I would suggest playing this out in present tense instead of past tense, I think it might make this a bit better than it is, as to me it sounds sort of off. The next thing is the capitalization of no, I would suggest not capitalizing the o in it, it just looks weird. Overall though I really like these lines, as you're setting the mood and putting us in the place of the person as well.
Here you switch from using past tense to using present tense, and that struck me as odd. I would suggest making it consistent and making all of it in this tense, and these lines seem better in flow and in sound when I read it aloud. Anyway, I don't have anything to critique here besides putting a,"The," before,"Earth," so the first line would sound better. I think you might have just forgotten to do that here.
Here I feel like you have your strongest lines, although you're just describing the person who just died. You're putting your thoughts and emotions into this throughout imagery, and I really do like that. The last line felt a bit choppy. but I'm sure that's just the way that I read it. I really like the first two lines, as although they're just adjectives you can really get out your sense of emotion here.
Okay, so here I feel like although you're trying to make this seem strong you're falling in the passion for a bit. You're listing what it is now, and I would love to feel the sadness instead of you telling it to me. Overall these lines are really good, however, and I think you did get what you wanted out of them, and what I think that is is putting your emotions into them. The last line, I think, was the best line out of these. You did misspell disconnected, and I figured I would point that out so you could fix that. I make mistakes like that all the time, so it's no big deal.
Here I feel like you picked up the passion that was lost in the previous verse, and I really enjoyed that. You can really sense the emotion, the sadness, the portrayal of this. I commend you on that, and I don't really have anything to critique on this stanza. Keep this up, and with a little tweaking I could see some really good poetry out of you. If you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up. I'm always available.
That's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron
Thank you very much for your review as well as suggestions. I will try to improve next time
This poem is so emotional... I can tell you really poured you heart out on this. When I read this I really felt your sorrow and love for your friend coming off the screen. I am very sorry for your loss... I'll be praying for you...
Elven, thank you so much for your kind words and love
Wow. I am left speechless by this beautiful show of emotions. (Good thing typing isn't speaking
) I thought it was VERY nice of you to make this, and I knew I had to read it. It didn't really rhyme, but that does not matter to me. Great work, and I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you very much for your kind words. And it is Okay.
:O