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Magnetic field

by Mahvash


Sitting on the edge of loneliness
Don't know what's going in my mind
Have searched every way to find happiness
But I have got a feeling some like wine.

Don't know either my heart is on fire?
Or have I lost power to face painful things?
Am I twinning around sorrows like a wire?
Or has someone cut my wings?

I want to shout out loud
But that cracking voice is stuck in my mouth
Tears, why don't they flow on my cheeks?
So I can release the pain instead of getting weak.

Why my lips are acting like a cage?
Preventing the words to fall out
I think I should write them down an a page
So I can feel lighter as a cloud

Past's got a magnetic field
And something's wrong with my brain
I don't want to turn back
But it looks back again and again

I want myself to be brave
But magnetic field attracts me to that dark cave
Of which I had escaped
Reminding myself, it was written in my fate

I wish there were an emotional device
To separate a person from his past
But I myself can do it
Because people say I'm wise.


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Sun Apr 10, 2016 9:30 pm
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Elijah wrote a review...



I think the punctuation is pretty off in this one but maybe you write in this way.To be honest,from all the reviews I see many are the same and have that poor punctuation which is common around all writing in the poetry theme.So I do not think of adding this as something negative even if it may be?

What are you talking about?
The thing you are talking about and your main purpose just left me while I was reading this.

Sitting on the edge of loneliness

//everything okey it starts to sound like a depressing poem//

Don't know what's going in my mind

//well that can be added,yes,but I think that 'what is going on inside my mind' is an option only but yours is just fine also//

Have searched every way to find happiness

//still get me the idea of sad person searching for a happy life //

But I have got a feeling some like wine.

//well...no sense or I am crazy? It may be something you want to tell but you could not?Well If you can explain it,please do it.Maybe 'But I have the feeling some like wine' or I do not know ..maybe you mean you are drunk? I do not know//

Don't know either my heart is on fire?

//Maybe it could be with more sense in it if you had said something else different than either which is just used in different situations.
'Do not know if my heart is on fire.' And yes fullstop. //
Or have I lost power to face painful things?
Am I twinning around sorrows like a wire?
Or has someone cut my wings?


//that caught my attention to be honest I love lines like that so.//

I want to shout out loud
But that cracking voice is stuck in my mouth
Tears, why don't they flow on my cheeks?
So I can release the pain instead of getting weak.

Well.After that I lost the idea of what we are talking about.It needs work but some parts really made me interested.Some parts were not making any sense other-did.Overall maybe the right words were not used in the right place.Hope I was not too negative here.



Random avatar
Mahvash says...


Thanks for your review. The line " I have got a feeling some like wine" means that I am feeling drunk and I don't know what's going around me. ( But I don't drink in reality though.)



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Sun Apr 10, 2016 3:35 am
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Charm wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review your poem. Here are my thoughts on the work:

~But I have got a feeling some like wine. This line doesn't make sense. Are you trying to say that you think some people like wine or are you trying to say that you feel like you're drunk?
~Don't know either my heart is on fire? This line doesn't make sense. Are you trying you don't know if either your heart is on fire or blah blah blah...?
~I found that this was very poetic which is wonderful :) but there were a couple lines that were confusing.
~Please add proper punctuation :)
~Preventing the words to fall out I think it would be better if you said 'fly out' instead of 'fall out' because you said your mouth was like a cage so I think to complete the metaphor your words should be birds. I think that makes the metaphor better, clear and more poetic.
~So I can feel lighter as a cloud This line doesn't make sense. Are you trying to say 'so I can feel as like as a cloud'?
~Past's got a magnetic field You've randomly thrown this in and named the poem after it. It's confusing, awkward and weird. I was enjoying the poem before this.
~But it looks back again and again This line doesn't make sense. Are you trying to say- wait nevermind I can't even tell what you're trying to say...
~But magnetic field attracts me to that dark cave Shouldn't it be a 'the' before 'magnetic field'?
~The magnetic field idea was just thrown in there halfway. I feel like you've ruined a wonderful poem with a horrible metaphor. No offense but the magnetic field metaphor isn't that great. It doesn't make sense and it's random. It doesn't make sense to the rest of the poem.
~I wish there were an emotional device
To separate a person from his past
But I myself can do it
Because people say I'm wise.
The entire last stanza didn't make sense. First of all 'emotional device' doesn't make sense. 'But I myself can do it' random and makes the narrator seem cocky. What makes you special? Oh is it 'because people say' you're 'wise'? Sorry xD but I hope you see my point. You don't want your readers to dislike your main character/narrator.

Hope this helped,
Alice ♥



Random avatar
Mahvash says...


Thanks. And whatever you are thinking about the lines, I mean meanings behind it, they are all right. I am glad you understood it :)



Charm says...


See the lines aren't alright and I didn't understand them. They are very confusing, I think rewording them would be best. This poem was very confusing and random.



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Sat Apr 09, 2016 10:05 pm
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RubyRed wrote a review...



Hello, Mahvash. I'm just clearing out the green room!

I can't say I liked this poem. I know I'm always so critical but this didn't make sense to me. Instead of just throwing shade your way though, I'll tell you why.

1st: I didn't think the poem was consistent at all. You were talking about emotions then you started talking about a magnetic field. I just got lost in the whole thing and I couldn't remember what the poem was about anymore.

2nd: It doesn't have much punctuation. No commas except for two, no semicolons where needed, and barely any periods.

3rd: It was choppy and your thoughts didn't flow. That disrupted the whole thing.

Overall, I think this needs a lot of work. You could make this into something really beautiful. If you spend some time on it I think it'll be great. It just needs to be altered. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing!

~Keepwriting



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Mahvash says...


Thanks for your review. I appreciate it.




You must never give into despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road, and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength.
— Uncle Iroh