Edge of Hell

Hey Mahvash,

I really like how well you're using language to create your point. You have a really nice flow in this piece and despite being a little predictable for someone like me, the imagery you chose and the way you flowed your words together made it worth the read.

I really like your symbolism of jumping into a pit of fire because it really invoked memories of reading "Night" for me, which is a novel about the holocaust actually, but that's aside the point. It was able to reach me and that's not something done very often.

I will say that you could probably do a better ending however. I feel like the last line is sort of weak compared to the bold caps that you have in the line above it. It's sort of powerful with what you're trying to say, but I feel like it's falling short. Maybe think about rewording it and get rid of the ellipsis. Make it a strong statement, something that doesn't need a bridge like "so" to introduce it, something we can cling to too. You've got that your speaker turns around, but why not give us something more physical to feel or smell or see with that which indicates turning around rather than stating that is what your speaker does? It could just be me because of the type of powerful line that comes before it, but overall I think that's the one thing I would really suggest changing right now.

Also, here's an article on capitalization, and another on punctuation which I think you might find helpful just in general. This poem could be really really strong using alternate punctuation/capitalization sort of like you do in the second to last stanza, but all the way through.

Capitalization in Poetry
Punctuation in Poetry

Good job with the flow and sounds. Keep going! I look forward to seeing you around.

Aley

Hi there!
“Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.”
― Seneca

First of all, I really like how you used "edge of hell" to overlap the meaning "edge of the cliff".

# "Death and me are very near", This line really tells the reader that persona in the poem will die sometime or other.

# The third quatrain does give the readers an idea of the diegesis. Words like "furious","shrieking","swallow" add a tinge of intensity towards the plot.

#In the fourth quatrain, There is a brilliant usage of emotion-drift agents like mind and heart which are the platitude duo . The one step which can turn our world upside-down if not sane...

#The fifth quatrain is sort of introspective, I would say laying stress on the words does make the poem more assorted in terms of your style of writing.

Suggestions:
1) Make it less obvious and less predictable for the reader for intensification.
2) From the line "One step ahead, I will be in hell", A reader can interpret that the persona lies somewhere but not in hell which kind of contradicts the poem's title.


To sum it up, It was very good. You have a lot of potential
It was a ride from to

Please keep writing! I hope my criticisms doesn't offend you in any way.

Ah, to jump or not to jump. Even though I always root for a sad ending, it doesn't hurt to see a positive resolution every now and then.

To start things off, I am not much of a fan of the title. I feel that "Edge of Hell" sounds cheesy and cliché; also, I think that the title should lure the reader in, giving away (just) a little and promising for more. That being said, I would go with something like "Standing at the edge".

"Never thought I'd be standing at the edge of hell" - no need for a comma; 'would' instead of 'will'.

"For death and I are very near" - again, no need for a comma; also, I don't think it's supposed to be 'death and me'.

"Plunged in sweat, / Sins flash in my mind that I have committed / And tears of regret fall from my eyes" - these lines feel overly complicated to me. First off, the first one would be better as "Drenched in sweat". Moving on: "I remember the sins I've committed / With tears falling from my eyes / I'm thinking why? Why I did it?". No need to specify the tears are of regret; I hardly imagine you'd be crying of happiness, at the edge of hell.

"I see the furious flames rising" - again, no need to describe how flames are; that they are furious goes without saying.

"One step ahead, I will be in hell" - this line here is a good example why "Edge of Hell" it not the best title. It loses its power, since you have already mentioned in the title that you are a step away from hell.

I didn't get why the words 'ashes', 'better' and 'yesterday' were written in capital letters; however, I liked the idea of the last two lines. The narrator has been struggling with indecision and in the end, they come to a conclusion. "So I turn around" also struck me as a simple, yet very powerful line (in the context of the poem, of course).

That's it. Keep writing; I hope to see more from you!