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Short Break

by Mahvash


At midnight,
drizzling came to say "Hello".
World was quiet 
and darkness was waiting for the old friend.

So I stepped out.
As I faced upward,
tiny rain drops were squeezed from clouds.
They landed gently on my face.

I felt the cool breeze
as it danced around me.
For a while
I was free.

At midnight,
the nature cuddled me.
It made me forget about the vexed life.
That was an indelible short break.


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Mon Jan 16, 2017 9:30 pm
LadyShadows wrote a review...



I loved this piece very much. I am a witch and this gave me a peaceful feeling as I could picture a spring night in the distant past. However, most of my thoughts go towards the grammar and the flow of this piece. Below you will see my edits of your piece.

At midnight,
the rain came to say "Hello"
World was quiet,
and darkness was waiting for the old friend.

So I stepped out,
And as I faced upward,
tiny rain drops were squeezed from clouds.
They landed gently on my face.

I felt the cool breeze
as it danced around me.
For a while
I was free.

At midnight,
Nature cuddled me,
And made me forget the weariness of life.
It was a memorable break.

See what I did there? Be careful what you're saying, and as this is a poem, be cautious about the flow. Make sure it kind of "slides" in with each other. With the ending parts of the poem, you had big words. That's fine, but I removed them for the sake of flow and for the fact that the rest of the poem had pretty small words in it. Also, I did this for the sake of grammar and word usage. Also be careful on being wordy and the fact of using too causal of writing. Admittedly, I can be wordy, but sometimes less is more. :) Otherwise, you have beautiful thoughts. Keep writing!



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Mahvash says...


Thank you so much. I loved your editing.



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Mon Jan 16, 2017 6:29 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Mahvash! Niteowl here to review your poem.

I like the feel of this piece, especially in the beginning. There's some solid nature imagery and it works well. Most of my critique is focused on the grammar and flow of the piece.

At midnight,
drizzling the drizzle came to say "Hi". hello.
The[b] world was quiet
and darkness was waiting for the [b]its
old friend.
So I stepped out.


I've made some edits to the first stanza above in bold. I agree that "hi" just feels too casual, so I would replace it with hello. I also think the first line of the next stanza makes more sense here than in the second stanza. My other edits are pretty minor and just to improve the grammar/flow.

My next major critique is in the last two lines. The sudden addition of fancier vocabulary is rather jolting when we've been humming along on this simple natural imagery. It also moves into telling instead of showing, which is weaker than the rest of the piece. I would consider trying to end on a stronger note, using imagery to show how brief this feeling was and how the speaker felt after the rain left.

Overall, I think you have some lovely natural imagery about night and the rain in this piece. Keep writing! :D



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Mahvash says...


Thank you! I will work on my words.



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Mon Jan 16, 2017 3:09 pm
Biluata wrote a review...



Hello there, Biluata to write a review. I must ask your patience, it has been a very long time since I've reviewed anything on this site and as part of my dedication to the new year, getting back into helping other writers has been promoted to the top of my list. So! Onward and upward! If you have any questions, drop me a comment or PM me, I'd be glad to chat.

To being with, I'd like to point out that oftentimes the type of poetry we enjoy is suited for our own particular taste. That being said, my suggestions and edits are purely born of my opinion and feel free to ignore them, contest them, or use them as you see fit. Again, you have a style all your own so don't let us reviewers change it!

Overall

Overall, I liked the general feel of your poem. The wording is a bit awkward in some places though, which I think disrupts the flow of the overall poem. My suggestion would be reading it allow to yourself and see when you think the pauses have the most effect in getting your meaning across. In the same manner, I think that the theme/concept of your poem is one that has been written about multiple times, but the overall theme is very elegant. Sorry if that doesn't make much sense.

Edits

There were only a few things that I found myself really having a problem with in your piece.

drizzling came to say "Hi".


This was one of them. You have such a nice feel to your poem, but the usage of "hi" gives it an almost commonplace feel, slightly disrupting the language flow you have going. Does that makes sense? Also, I would use a word other than "drizzling", perhaps something that makes it just a bit clearer that it is rain.

As I faced upward,
tiny rain drops were squeezed from clouds.
They landed gently on my face.


This stanza (or part of a stanza) feels as though it would be better all as one sentence, again, because of flow. If you were to replace the period after "clouds" with a comma, I think that would help the flow of your work substantially.

My last nit-pick has to do with the use of the word "cuddled" in the last stanza. I would suggest a different word, though one is not immediately coming to mind. If you want my thoughts on that, let me know!

Again, I thought this was a very good piece. I'm excited to see what else you will post for me to review. I hope this has been somewhat helpful, if not, you have my deepest apologies for wasting your time ^_^

~Luata



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Mahvash says...


Your review is helpful Thank you




"I'd be a quote vigilante. A literary Batman. Someone had better be quoting me now!"
— Feltrix