Under The Twilight
The wind carries forth,
singing wheezily in the air.
Falling blossoms shed their petals
and vanish into the sunlight.
The sea bops up and down
while the sound of passing seagulls
echo past the waves.
And their silhouettes glide
towards the endless sky.
A bright light, shining down,
it leaves its beauty
raining onto the both of us.
Here, we sway in the setting sun,
watching the heavens drifting past.
Even if the world crashes down,
I'd still hold your hand
wherever we go.
And we will sit ,side by side,
whispering in the sunset mist.
A mist that entwines the both of us,
A mist from a fairytale
under the twilight...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,660 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
This was very good! Despite its potential cliche-ness, you avioded it beautifully and created a whole other idea! *gold star for you*
This was very good. The subject was perhaps a bit cliche, but you presented it in a new way with refrehing vocabulary. The one phrase I didn't like was "I'll still hold your hand, where ever we go." I think it would be better if it was just "I'll still hold your hand."
OK. I've edited it.
This was really really good. Even though the holding hands part was probably meant for lovers, it captured me in a different way. See, I own (ok my family) a cabin on Vashon Island, Washington and to me it's the most beautiful and peaceful place and me a my best friend (practically sister) go up there, and one night when I was about to go home, like an hour before and we live states away, we went and sat on the beach and talked and cried and held hands and it was just like this poem and how I never wanted to let go. I really liked it. Thank you.
-Ailam
I like the wording of "wheezily" in the first stanza!
Up until the third stanza, there isn't much happening. It's a lot of description of scenery, which is fine, but it's a little overwhelming. How do the people at the end fit in with the setting at the beginning? Look to expand some things at the end as beautifully as the beginning. Why does the wind get to sing wheezily, while the world just gets to crash down, or the sun just gets to set? Also, I want to hear more about this sunset mist at the end because it sounds pretty cool ^_^