Skies
The rain falls onto the stone pavement,
holding me with its wet, cold fingertips.
Under the hidden sunlight,
I try to hold my falling tears,
showering my worn-out feet.
I gaze above and look at myself,
reflected by lonely grey clouds.
I wonder why I wasn't able to realize -
realize what I've done.
Here I stand, enveloped in the icy breeze,
a feeling of guilt trickling down my brow.
As I look forwards, I wonder
when will the sun shine again.
Thunder rumbles, lightning flashing its rage,
illuminating my heavy heart.
The uncontrollable emotion of sadness,
it carries me away,
into the darkness of a gloomy forest.
I feel the sorrowful breeze,
blowing through my stiff, rigid fingers.
As I look to the heavens, I wonder
when will the time come for us.
When will you wake up from your slumber?
When will laughter once again
fill your days with laughter?
I want to find the light,
to feel it shine onto my face.
And when I do, you will awaken,
and recognize the real world before your eyes.
And we shall dance under the moon,
singing and laughing happily.
And once that happens,
the skies will be ours.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,658 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Very nice poem. It definitely has a lot to say, although having a lot to say doesn't always mean longer...but because it was longer, it afforded you some great 'extra' imagery that added a lot to the overall effect. I'd suggest maybe tightening some of the ideas here and you'll be set.
The sky will be yours!
I like this.. fairly simple overall, but powerful.
I really like
Not so sure about repetition of 'realise' in , but it does seem to emphasise the point well.
Keep it up!
Ooo. I liked this, pure and simple. It made me go all shivery for some reason. I think it's good now, but you could make it great by trying to tell less and show more. I hate telling people to butcher their poems but if this is a first draft I would suggest making it a little shorter. That way, it will be more gripping.
Imagery is marvellous.
Favourite line:
Best wishes,
Eimear