z

Young Writers Society



Skies

by Lil_Pau


Skies

The rain falls onto the stone pavement,
holding me with its wet, cold fingertips.
Under the hidden sunlight,
I try to hold my falling tears,
showering my worn-out feet.

I gaze above and look at myself,
reflected by lonely grey clouds.
I wonder why I wasn't able to realize -
realize what I've done.

Here I stand, enveloped in the icy breeze,
a feeling of guilt trickling down my brow.
As I look forwards, I wonder
when will the sun shine again.

Thunder rumbles, lightning flashing its rage,
illuminating my heavy heart.
The uncontrollable emotion of sadness,
it carries me away,
into the darkness of a gloomy forest.

I feel the sorrowful breeze,
blowing through my stiff, rigid fingers.
As I look to the heavens, I wonder
when will the time come for us.

When will you wake up from your slumber?
When will laughter once again
fill your days with laughter?

I want to find the light,
to feel it shine onto my face.
And when I do, you will awaken,
and recognize the real world before your eyes.
And we shall dance under the moon,
singing and laughing happily.

And once that happens,
the skies will be ours.


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Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 5

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Sun May 18, 2008 6:29 pm
electrictoast27 wrote a review...



Very nice poem. It definitely has a lot to say, although having a lot to say doesn't always mean longer...but because it was longer, it afforded you some great 'extra' imagery that added a lot to the overall effect. I'd suggest maybe tightening some of the ideas here and you'll be set.

The sky will be yours!




Random avatar

Points: 890
Reviews: 5

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Sat May 17, 2008 4:57 pm
El-lyncho wrote a review...



I like this.. fairly simple overall, but powerful.
I really like

I gaze above and look at myself,
reflected by lonely grey clouds.

Not so sure about repetition of 'realise' in
I wonder why I wasn't able to realize -
realize what I've done
, but it does seem to emphasise the point well.
Keep it up!




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344 Reviews


Points: 1075
Reviews: 344

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Sat May 17, 2008 1:18 pm
Eimear wrote a review...



Ooo. I liked this, pure and simple. It made me go all shivery for some reason. I think it's good now, but you could make it great by trying to tell less and show more. I hate telling people to butcher their poems but if this is a first draft I would suggest making it a little shorter. That way, it will be more gripping.

Imagery is marvellous.

Favourite line:

And once that happens,
the skies will be ours.



Best wishes,

Eimear





"would you still love me if i was a worm" yeah babe i would AND id get you your own compost bin so we could enter gardening competitions together
— Corvid