Halfway through my journey, I sat
and traced back the lines of memories
on the open palm of time.
They come down, like floating bubbles,
with emotions running down my spine.
Your lullaby, mother,
resonates in every ray of light I see.
To see you open your eyes again, mother,
would be more than a gift to me.
Sadly, life's colourful hologram faded,
and I found my hands shaking
as I felt the heavy burden
clamping onto my shoulders.
The rain flows over your face,
and I finally see the sorrow
as your mask is washed away.
We trace the lines of our palms
and wonder what has Fate laid out for us.
Seeing our sins trickling to the ground,
I stand up and wipe away the sentimental moments.
For the period of rest has passed,
and a roaring flame inside is ready to be let out.
Hands connected, we continue walking on,
still wishing we can go back
again.
For E. & A.E.
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139,656 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
This poem was truly lovely, and your imagery, though simple and familiar, was strong and not cliche. I really enjoyed it.
There were two things that stood out to me: the unintentional rhymes of time/spine and see/me, and some punctuation. The words in the rhymes are spaced far apart enough that they're not that noticeable except as sounding nice, however, there's two such rhymes in close succession, which stands out against the rhyme-less rest of the poem. It's not a major issue, though.
As far as punctuation, there were just two lines. Lydia already pointed out the first; the second is "I stand up and wipe away the sentimental moments." Since the next line starts with a "for", the period isn't grammatically appropriate, and I also think it breaks the flow between the two lines.
Overall, though, this was a lovely poem and a pleasure to read. :D
Hello Lil!
I really enjoyed your poem it was extremely beautiful and it had truly beautiful imagery. Just a couple of points.
I don't think that clamping is the right word here. I think that realisation of something like this settles gradually and I think that settling on my shoulders would work really well here. This is just my opinion so don't change it unless you want to.
You either need to put a question mark at the end of this or you need to change the order of the words to: and wonder what Fate has laid out for us.
Other than that though I though it was gorgeous. The rhythm was perfect and the imagery was really beautiful just be careful to avoid clichés. My favorite part had to be:
Truly beautiful! Well Done!
Keep Writing,
~Lydia