Faith
A fleur-de-lys illuminates above,
as the light of the rising day
shines through the windowpanes.
The doves spread their wings,
flying across a field of lilies.
I kneel down, my feet shaking,
as my lips form the prayer
of our Good Lord.
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139,658 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
I feel this could be epic if given the chance, you have a great idea but this doesn't seem like an ending, it seems more like a first stanza.
Overall: Other than it needing more and what I've said above, it's very good.
Good luck
VSN
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Listening to: Protest the Hero - Palms Read
via FoxyTunes
I like how you put "fleur-de-lys" in the beginning. The length is perfect. I agree with timjim77. Do not lengthen this poem.
Only one comment. I think you should change "doves" to "birds." Why? Because a lot of people know that doves are associated with peace and heaven and all that.
Your poem is lovely but that dove part sticks out. Cliché.
So I think you should change that word or that line. But else than that your poem was
b e a u t i f u l.
- Summerless <3~
WARNING: DO NOT LENGTHEN THIS POEM.
Spontaneity is key here. The poem's length is perfect.
I am very very happy to see a poem dealing with prayer that is not a reiteration of worship songs (which are nice for church and singing, but not always very innovative poetically
)! This is short, yes, but also very effective (and the French is a nice touch too). Don't lengthen it or the effect will be destroyed, haha ^_^ I like the details such as the way the light shines, and the shaking feet.
The only thing that maybe could be tweaked would be the wording of the first three lines. It's the "illuminates above" that catches me; maybe "is illuminated above" ? But then, it begs the question of 'above what?'
A lovely poem ^_^
I don't know. I don't like short poems. I feel you can say so much more, but that's just me.
I like a sonnet.
I see what you were trying to say and I think it's cool. I just feel that it's good, but there is something missing. I don't know.
It was so short, but you can say so much.
I think you should work on it and say a little more.
Nice. Although it works well as short and sweet, I reckon you could make it truly epic by developing some of the issues raised.
Great last line as well.
PM me when you write more
Eimear