Essence
Hush, my little one,
Let me tell you the story of the sun~
With its glorious rays
And tremendous power,
It's a god of light in this realm~
You will be mesmerized by its gaze,
For if you watch the sky,
You will be drifting away in your mind~
But is it great enough
To block your visions of the world~ ?
Is it strong enough
To withstand your hidden ability~ ?
Lie down, little one,
Strum the strings of life.
Let us watch the early sunrise
And I will tell you the story of the heart~
With imperious hope
And unfading determination -
You are breaking the liminality
Of the forbidden world.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,230 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
I thought this was really interesting. I had to think about what you were trying to say here for a little bit and I believe that's what the beauty of peotry is. To make the reader think about the poem in a different light. I thought this was really good. Keep writing!
Reminds of when I was little!
First off, get rid of the ~s at the ends of the lines. They do nothing and have no purpose. Same with the hyphen.
Second off, I'm not really sure what you were trying to accomplish. Is this about the sun? About the "little one's" heart? This piece is so vague that I am completely clueless. Try using more specific and original adjectives and images.
This is sort of an afterthought, but you should probably keep the vocabulary level consistent. Don't just throw something in like "liminality" (which I had to look up). It really throws the reader off and disrupts the rhythm.
Anyway, this was okay, but it doesn't stand out very much. Use interesting description to bring clarity and uniqueness to the poem. Keep writing!