The snowdrop tears that fall
Out of the wintry sky
Lit upon the slumbering trees
And kissed the frozen ground.
-
There lay the little village,
Frosted, sugared homes
With children singing in the streets,
Their eyes bright with joy.
-
The first snow had come,
Flakes drifting silent and slow
To whisper secrets of years since passed
And set the earth to slumber.
-
Inside a cottage, a child sat
Upon his sagging bed,
Gazing at the silver sky
Through the drafty window.
-
His face was pale but his smile wide,
His eyes bright and sure.
Edwin Miles was a child
Who loved snow more than rain.
-
His mother entered, worn but kind,
Carrying the special tea.
“Edwin, Edwin,” she sang to him,
“What have you seen today?”
-
So he told her of the children
Singing carols a whole month early
And of the baker and the snowball fight
And the girl with the merry smile.
-
“How I wish,” he finished with a sigh,
“I could join them before I die;
I do miss playing with them
And romping in the snow.”
-
And then he spoke of heaven’s angels
And growing a pair of wings
And wondered if he could be
Like the children’s angels of snow.
-
“And maybe,” he added sweetly,
“I could watch over
That girl with the merry smile
Who waved to me.”
-
His mother smiled, sorrow and joy,
And left her precious little boy
To watch out the window and long
To leave his little room.
-
But coughing made his body tremble,
His fever burned high
And his tender life ebbed,
Until morning came and he was gone.
-
His little body was left empty and slumbering,
His spirit drifting off in sleep
To be taken into His arms,
Finally able to fly and dance, run and play.
-
And his mother laid him down,
Bittersweet and frail,
But she felt her boy with her
And knew his pain had ceased.
-
But they all knew, deep inside
As an angel he remained
And watched over the girl with the merry smile
And played in the snow.
-
And the snowdrop tears that fall
Out of the wintry sky
And light upon the slumbering trees
Never heed sorrow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I appreciate this work. Your word choice is undeniably well thought out. I liked how you used certain adjectives or verbs (frosted sugared, kissed the frozen ground, slumbering trees etc.) to set up a feeling of comfort and peace. I liked your use of indirect characterization of the boy. You set up his personality by his thoughts and actions. You didn't have to actually say he was dying to know this information . But... your stanzas, though don't seem to flow or glide. What if it was published one day and a kid had to recite it for a recitation competition, they wouldn't necessarily get that flow, that beat, while saying it. I like the story and word choice, you seem like a person who reads a lot. I hope you still are writing even though I highly doubt someone like you would ever waste a talent like this.
Thanks so much for your comments! It's good to know how you feel about the rhythm. And...I don't think I could stop writing even if I wanted to! Thanks again for reading my poem.
...What the...
Well that was unexpected
At first, I thought that this would be one of those cheesy Christmas poems, but then...as it continued, it got more...and more...dark...until the kid actually dies.
That made me go "...What the fuck just happened?"
I've never seen a winter poem that was so depressing, but still...actually quite nice
Does that make any sense? XD
It had a vibe of warmth, even in the part were the child died, due to the environment that you set up for your audience in the first part of the poem, and I think that was down beautifully. I actually felt a bit sad when I read that the kid died, because I have cousins that are between the age of 2 and 12, and to imagine one of them dying...is a very depressing idea. When I read one of these, I actually think of one of two cousins; My 5 year cousin named Jude or my other 5 year old cousin Eleanor (one was born in march, the other in august, different mothers). And weirdly...that reaction he had, your character, does sound like Jude, and that made it even more realistic. To be able to do that is an impressive feet in itself.
The only downside I can think of is the way you actually worded it.
Now let me explain.
I'm a free verse poet myself, and am not a big fan of rhyming...but in this situation, the free verse doesn't really seem to fit the style of the poem. It's a lighter version of a sad poem, and it's from the view of a child. It should be rhyming.
That's just an opinion, just so you know LOL
Great job, I really like it
~Maddie
Thanks for your comments! I'll consider putting in rhymes. I appreciate your feedback a lot!
No prob dear, keep writing!
Very nice word play, but could use a little more of a rhyme to help it flow along more. Otherwise, it's pretty well laid out. Good job
Thanks for your comment!
Hey there, lyricalrebel here to review your work.
This is the first piece I've read since I woke up and it made me smile
When I read the first few stanzas, I was like, "Aww, how cute" and when Edwin came out as a character I was like "Poor Edwin" but hey, the story brightened and became a happy ending, that's the cutest part.
Now, back to your poem. Well, the flow or sequencing of your poem was definitely well-written. No grammatical errors. You have successfully narrated the story in a way that anyone could imagine the events and feel the emotions.
The only thing I could criticize is the lack of a few misplaced punctuation marks but still, your work came out good. Keep it up!
Thanks so much for your review! I'm glad you liked it. I'll take a look at the punctuation.
WOW, that was powerful, i really liked that you took a different spin on the child's mentality and showed him in a happiness and not depressed mood. Please keep writing
Thanks for the feedback! I'll always keep writing!