Blossoms on the Pear Tree

Hi!

You have some super gorgeous images here! You're right that it doesn't work how it is at the moment, you need to have some more structure and attach more of a narrative to your lines. When you do this all of those images will suddenly make complete sense and work with you rather than against you.

First try collecting all of the similar images together, this way you'll see what ind of images most interest you. Once you've done that you can consider what makes those images important, why did you notice them, and pare down the image until it's one or two really solid suggestions of scene and emotion. Putting together poetry is sometimes very time consuming, but if you have all of the words down already, it is much easier to edit them afterward. Editing is great!

I think that this definitely has promise, you have all those gorgeous words and when you work with those, a poem can hardly go too wrong. You might want to experiment with structured poetry if you are finding the lack of structure hard to get your head around. If you have any questions about the concept, feel free to come to me! I absolutely adore talking poetry as often as possible.

Please let me know if you make any changes to this, I'd love to see them!

- Penguin.

Hello there Infinity here to review!

Well I liked your poem in general, it has a light serene feel to it, there were some points I got confused at because there were not really in relation to your title more like you were referring to a significant other but the parts that were, were indeed very good. It was simple and nostalgic, though there is always room for improvement so they're a few suggestions I'd like to make which may help.

I'll go stanza by stanza, its easier.


"I wish I could sail away with you

Like floating silk,

Burn white beneath the moonlight!

Scented dreams drift on the wind

And carry my wishes to heaven.

You fly away, dance down again,

And form a pathway

Leading on into eternity,

A stairway to the sun,

My blossoms on the pear tree."

Here, good opening, i especially like the ending when you add in the title.
I don't see the need for the exclamation mark next to the word, "moonlight."
In general some things are cohesive in this but others are like a poem on their own, try to put your thoughts into relations to everything else.

The petals swirl, silver

Framing the cabalistic moon,

Night or day in splendor,

Like snow falling to the Earth.

Come carry me, honeyed dreams--

Your scent haunts my sleep,

So take me to lands never seen

And catch yourselves once again

In the wrathful ocean's cheer

Or let me gather you in my wintry arms."

Here, the word "Cabalistic" is not a word (according to my spell-check) maybe you should add a different word in which is simpler, you don't need fancy words. You also speak of dreams in this but where does the tree come into this? The word "wintry" sounds a bit odd maybe cold arms or distant arms?

Overall a nice poem , Hope I was of help to you.

-Infinty x

I dont think there's nothing wrong with it. I sounds good, but of course like you said it does'nt make sense. Your taking about a pear tree at the end, i get it. in your note it seems that you were not sure if you should put it up her. If your not that sure than dont but you should always be proud of your work. I love the image you give i can see it.But is these talking about the Tree or a Man. my favorite part is
"The petals swirl, silver
Framing the cabalistic moon,
Night or day in splendor,
Like snow falling to the Earth.
Come carry me, honeyed dreams--
Your scent haunts my sleep,
So take me to lands never seen
And catch yourselves once again
In the wrathful ocean's cheer
Or let me gather you in my wintry arms." i can relate to that just keep doing a great job. I LOVE IT!