She was the winter Sky, beautiful and distant,
Caught in constant change;
He was the summer Earth, strong and steadfast,
Always cheerful and certain.
-
In their early years, there was no one else.
He saw her and she saw him
And they spoke and smiled and laughed
And became each other's dear companions.
-
And then, in the happiest time of her life
He told her of his love for her.
The Sky and the Earth promised
Their devotion to each other.
-
But years passed and others came
Who were closer to the Earth than she.
And since they could never touch
He forgot the how the Sky was once his one and only.
-
But she never forgot.
It was as though her wavering heart
Had frozen on that day and become
Unchangeable, trapped in love.
-
Like seasons on opposite ends of the year,
Like the sky that hangs distant over the rocks of earth,
They could ne'er touch save a brush of hesitant fingers
Or by the Sky's cascading tears.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
I feel like this poem was an attempt at compacting a much larger story into an abridged version and I feel like it didn't work perfectly. This concept is beautiful and you have some really lovely lines but toward the end it feels rushed to me. Flesh this out! Take as many stanzas as you need to properly express the chapters of their love. Also, this may just be me, but I feel like the last stanza isn't very... conclusive? Again, that might just have been the way I read it.
Other than the strange sense of incompletion this work has, it's very lovely! I love the concept and the story behind it. I like the contrast with the Earth being "strong and steadfast" and yet the fickle lover, whereas the Sky, caught in constant change, holds true to their love. It's an interesting viewpoint and undeniably bittersweet, but lovely all the same. My main suggestion continues to be to simply add a few more lines, maybe go into a little more detail to make it feel more .... finished? If that's the right word. And then I think this'll be a really nice piece.
I thought your poem had a really great concept. It was very creative and I've never had the pleasure of reading anything quite like it. You were able to create something very beautiful using imagery and metaphors, but at the same time were able to portray a clear story and message.
Hi, Happy smilers here to review!
I ddnt see very mistakes, so good job on the grammer! Thank you for sharing a creative story, it shows that creativity can go a long way! Keep being creative, and keep up the good writing!
Wow, that was very imaginative, very inspiring, and very sweet. I really like the way you catputered the the seasons and displayed there difrences. You made a love story out of it, and then placed in heart break. You seemed to capture the heart of the earth and sky, and then displayed them in a way that people can graps! You made it into a story that people can relate to!
Hello, so I think that this has a great concept. The romantic idea is really beautiful. I liked the clarity in your imagery. You made the distance between the Earth and Sky easily imaginable and awfully sad. I also thought that by making the Sky the faithful lover you showed a perception of the world against the unreachable consistency of the sun, moon, stars, and skies themselves. I feel like there's a lot more depth to this that can be felt by the reader even though it wasn't placed blatantly in each stanza. Something I found somewhat distracting was what seemed to be attempts at rhyming. I could see where you had tried to put things together, but I wasn't really sure if the poem was supposed to rhyme or not because it had no constant pattern. Also, in this line:
"He forgot the how the Sky was once his one and only."
I think you only meant to have one "the" in the sentence, but the extra one kind of ruins the fluency and weight of that line. If this wasn't intentional, you might want to read over your work before publishing just to clean up little mistakes like that. I really like the story of this. It's really a very pretty poem. Thanks for sharing it with YWS. Always keep writing.
Hey there!
I really like the concept of the sky and the earth having a romance... it's sweet. I also really like this last bit:
I don't understand how that fits into the rest of the sentence, but I like it.
I found that, starting at the 5th paragraph, it no longer has a poetry feel about it. It's almost like you start just telling a story rather than being poetic. I think that's because it feels rushed... we hear briefly about others that are supposedly closer to the earth, but we have no idea who ( unless we make a wild guess ).
I think that this poem could be so much more, I think that it has the potential to be rather deep, and thought provoking. Not that it isn't already, but I think you could make it better by elaborating on some things such as who got in between the Sky and the Earth.
Just a thought.
I think that this would flow better if you replace the 'and' with 'they' especially because the last sentence already has so many 'ands'.
That was quite good though! Keep up the awesome writing!!!
-Socks