Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
( There is a bright light shining into the audience; so bright its pleasant in an unworldly way. A cliché angelic orchestra is playing lightly in the background, as the main character gains a literally ‘out of this world’ consciousness and a purely white world is revealed. There is a golden door (naturally) and a totally, uncannily handsome figure, standing waiting by the door, that instantly shatters the self-esteem of the main character, slowly and curiously approaching the golden door)
Hot Angel: Welcome home
Tess: Home? I don’t remember ever living here. I'd love to stay though, if you come with the offer.
Hot Angel: This is the lord’s kingdom. You will see the Lord himself with your own eyes, and he will welcome you personally with his holy presence.
( Staggered with awe)
Tess: You mean, this-this is heaven?
(Hot Angel smiles gracefully and just deflates the lasting confidence of Tess. Triumphant yet blissful music is quietly chiming in the background)
Tess: Isn’t heaven supposed to be euphoric? Because I’m suddenly questioning that…you’re really-you’re really hot…..like, too hot for me to feel worthy enough to be here...
( Hot angel smiles and nods appreciatively with grace and laughs delicately and perfectly)
Tess: *cough* full of it *cough* but still hot *cough*
( Bliss floods the room, and the golden door swings open to reveal an even brighter light that is borderline blinding. A profound presence fills the room. The Hot Angel displays bliss in her eyes, so taken by the figure’s entrance that tears fill the brim over her bottom eye lids.)
Tess: Someone's a bit of a Daddy's girl (Tess mutters to herself)
God: You have sought salvation, and you may receive it, but only with my grace can it be granted, and your acceptance for my name; the lord, your father.
( Tess was previously staring at God with disbelief, but changes her manner and lets slip a slight “are you serious?” kind of choke laugh)
Tess: Wow, ok.
God: Do you question my judgement child?
Tess: ( starts laughing fitfully) Ok, ok. So, no offence-then again (mutters to herself) I don’t think your ego would cope well with what I’m about to follow up with-anyway- no offence, but I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t intend to die, so I never sought salvation. Oh and by the way, I'm no child. I'm pretty sure I was 27 when I called it quits.
( The Hot Angel’s jaw drops, displaying the ugliest look she has,probably in eternity. Her swaying blond hair just dropped alongside her mood-downwards as if someone had straightened her hair totally wrong, and a fan that had been rotating above her head had been switched off)
Tess: Look. God-can I call you God, or is it Lord? Or Almighty Father? I haven’t been to church in a while so I have no idea.
God: You are making a choice. To love your Lord and embrace the truth of your creator, or forever suffer in damnation.
Tess: Well, that's reassuring. I've got an abundance of choice! Not in the in slightest bit domineering (Sarcasm).
God: I am the lord your Father! Do not smite me with your lack of grace, and foul and blasphemous abuse of my word! You sought an end, and now I offer the mercy promised to those who encounter judgement.
Tess: Hey! I didn't really want to die mate! I was just messed up, which is partially your fault!
( There is a crack of thunder in the distance)
You know, I’ve been wanting to voice my opinion about you for a long time, but no audience has been prepared to listen, and back home it was too controversial a topic to discuss without being trolled online-yes I blogged- by mindless Christians from central United States. You know what? I’m fed up. Fed up with the narcissism you display. How can you possibly justify damning a person to hell!? And not just any person, but a person who came upon this world without choice, and was indoctrinated by the faith system they were brought up in? You just thought it all well and good to punish someone; fiery embers and all just because they didn't understand how 'fucking fantastic' you are? Did you ever think for one second, that maybe the world you created, was for some people, to impossibly shit to do right by anyone? Your nothing but a high maintenance dictator with a vain fetish for Angels. Like seriously, all the Angels depicted in art works are insanely gorgeous. What is up with that?
Hot Angel: It is sinful to insult the Lord’s Grace!
Tess: Of course it is! It’s a sin to do everything apparently! I can’t even enjoy a nice plate of shellfish and salad with a side of fries without feeling guilty.Some Father you are. My biological Father is holier than you-at least he was actually around in my life; well more obviously around anyway, and not pompously gallivanting about in mystery.
( The pure white clouds begin to turn black and rumble with deep thunder, shadowing the golden door. This is resonant of God’s disapproval of Tess.)
Tess: I mean, why couldn’t you just cut to the chase? If you wanted to tell me something, you could have just had a chat with me in a dream or something. If you did that to people more often, you might have a fair few more followers these days. Oh, and what is up with like-all of history?! I mean, it takes two to tango but you basically just sat there doing nothing while all hell broke loose.
God: The Lord, your Father –
Tess: Oh my bloody God-lol pun. Unbelievable; you refer to yourself in the third person too-that’s way too much pride, and I LOVE pride-well, the day and festival anyway.
God: In the kingdom of heaven, there is only room for those who accept me, and praise the sacrifice of Jesus Christ the Messiah-
Tess: Well, I guess that leaves me out then. You know, if you actually behaved like a real Father and paid more attention to people, I might not be bashing your ego like I am. I wish I could accept you, and feel the euphoria I’m meant too, but to be honest I’m actually nauseous being in your presence. To put it bluntly Lord; you’re a bit up yourself.
( The clouds are totally black now, and lighting strikes between them as the thunder rumbles very loudly immediately after each strike. The Hot Angel appears to be paralysed with shock and horror, but subtlely enlightened by what Tess has to say)
Tess: I know that you are apparently meant to go about your shit in mysterious ways, but I’m not very good at picking up on subtle cues, and if you were ever around I could never pick up on the signals. I mean, sometimes wifi sucks but your connection? Well that was just a special kind of crap. I’ve suffered immense grief, suffered a hell of a lot of misunderstanding due to a learning disability, been cheated on and had minimal control over my sugar obsession; thanks. Do you know what its like God, to feel like you are suffocating? When I was living, I felt trapped, and the only escape seemed to be to leave the world.
God: The Lord saw fit that the day you saw the light of eternal life was the day of your destiny. It was your time to reunite with the beloved Father in heaven-
Tess: Seriously! Cut it out with the third person references! Its seriously sickening, and not helping with convincing me to kiss your feet and say how much of an awesome Dad you are. If what you say is what you planned, then that makes you even big of a dick than I thought. You allowed me to go through misery. You allowed a lot of people to go through misery, and for what? So they could prove how much they love you? (Tess looks up and recalls an unpleasant memory) Sounds an awful lot like the overly possessive girlfriend I had once.
( So God is well and truly pissed by now. The clouds in a diarrhoea like fashion expel countless strikes of lightning, and shoot rain over the hot angel which dampens her perfect and silky hair and puts out her halo)
God: Cease your words Teresa! Sin is perverting your judgement!
Tess: If you were really my Father, you’d know that I hate being called Teresa.
God: You have forsaken me! Your lord! The kingdom has no place for a denial of faith; the truth. The ground will take you to the pits of the earth where Satan lies, and there, forever you will be in damnation and absent from the grace of the lord.
( The ground opens, and a hot pit of fire is revealed, where screams are heard and laughs of malice echo in the tunnels of hell)
Tess: You know, as uninviting as that place looks and sounds, it’s at least a more honest expression of the personality of its ruler, and if it is filled with members of the LGBT community then I’m actually pretty excited to scope out who I can-uh-well, you wouldn’t approve of that I guess. That's another thing, have you even been paying attention to my sex life? That might explain why you made to intervention with any major wars in the past few centuries; didn't even notice them obviously.
(Imagine a lightbulb, and it smashing into a million shards of glass due to pressure of some kind. Well, that was probably God's giant erection bursting which was resonant from the baritone bellows of thunder and immediate strikes of lighting that spurt out, uh, cloud debris everywhere)
You know what too? I feel I’ve redeemed myself by having made a choice at the end of my life on Earth as opposed to being forced to live by some pesky little sperm you allowed to live in my Dad’s body. You didn’t allow the world to be an easy place for me to live in, so downstairs seems like a better option. I don’t think its totally bad being absent from-well, to be honest; a giant prick.
( The clouds, as though they are a cheap stage craft, fall from the sky of heaven and hit the hot angel directly on the noggin)
Tess: (Approaches the doors to hell, but turns around for one last word) Oh, and if you’ve already had me crack the shits at you, you should expect some others with a similar frame of mind-like Stephen Fry. Maybe it can be now, that you shape up your act.
( Tess enters the doors to hell, and immediately disappears into its inferno. The ground doors shut tight; thunder still rumbling aggressively, and the Hot Angel weeping with horror over the ruin of her perfect hair.)
Tess: Jesus, its hot in here!
(drunken sinister laughter is heard coming down a hallway of hot molten lava and rock)
Satan: Another one! Ha! I'm gonna run out of space for you!
Satan: Call me Lucifer! All my pals call me that, which is why 'permanent erection' up there likes to call me the devil. I mean, I am handsome, but I quite like my original name, which he has no right to change. Jerk. Anyway! Welcome home! Come dine with us! Enjoy!
(Satan traipses quite stylishly back down the hallway he came, carrying a dry martini with an olive in his hand, calling out to what are most likely other citizens of hell, as he reaches the end of the hall. Distant, drunken voices are heard)
Voice 1: YOU DEVIL YOU! I'LL NEED ANOTHER ROUND OF TEQUILA!!
Voice 2: Who's up for a foursome!?
Tess: (Smiling at ease) I get to do all the things I would have been judged for back on Earth, and no one will give a fuck?....I think I've found my new home.
(Tess walks confidently down the hallway, clearly excited about the rest of eternity will hold, as the stage lights dim until final darkness is reached, and the curtains close.)