Look at the world,
What can we see?
What can we hear?
What can we touch and smell?
All we see is black,
A black abyss,
built by a material world,
built by the need for perfection.
nothing at all.
We, the human race,
Slowly encumbered,
by the asphyxiating gallows of the black,
can learn now,
What our addictions have created,
We can learn now what our desires can do.
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Hey dbrick here for a review! The flow of your poem was really great, especially considering the poem had varying long and short sentences. Your words usage was great as well, they were interesting and descriptive, but not so over the top that you "trip over them" as you read. What I especially liked was the theme; the theme of this poem was so refreshing! It contrasted how we can have a good life and just about everything we want, yet our human nature can still kick in and ruin everything from relationships, to jobs, to our health. It is a message we need to hear more often and realize that the creations of addictions are monsters that are hard to slay. Hard, but not impossible. Nothing really stood out to me in terms of things you should change or can improve on. Keep it up!
Hi this is Em101cats here to review because I loved your poem! (And because I'm broke and need points right now XD)
Anyway, I love this poem so much and you had great detail except for one part:
I have this nitpick. You don't explain what turned the world into the black abyss you described. I think I can guess by the car hint, but otherwise I (and perhaps some other readers) am clueless about that topic.
Other than that this poem is perfect in my eyes! I think you are good at poetry writing and writing in general. Keep up your good thinking!
Sincerely, Em101cats
Hello, Laure here for a review! Hm, so after finishing this poem I still wasn't sure exactly what you are trying to express here. At first you seem to be talking about the doom of the human race that our addictions and diaries has caused and the damage it is. But then with the last line, I will admit I completely lost what it is.
So, before I plunge into a further round of nitpicking. I will point out a few things I liked about this interesting poem. I think you have written about an interesting concept here about the black abyss, though as vague as it is. You do have some good vocabulary in here, I actually had to search up asphyxiating to see what it means. So, thank you. I leant a new word today.
So, the main problem I had with this poem as aforementioned. Was the vagueness of the poem's subject. What exactly are you talking about here? What do you mean by we see a black abyss? There seems to be a huge gap between the first few lines and the abyss. The same goes for the bottom half, because it seems to have no connection at all with the top half.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I really don't see what this poem is about. I think you have a good idea, but you just need to develop it more logically and with more content.
Hoped I helped and wasn't too harsh.
-Laure
I do agree, it is quite vague, i apologise. I might go back and fix it up, however, in the meantime the poem is meant focus on our obsession with material expansion and the lust for advancement in every sense of the word, and how i feel it is catapulting us all into doom. Bit dramatic, but that was the idea. Hope that cleared things up for you a little
Ah, I see. Well, no need to apologize it is your poem. And it does clear things up a little, thanks. ^^