“What?” she asks distressed “what did I do?”
The mind boggling question that is disconcerting to answer, what did she do? What will she do? Why did she do it if she did?
The only thing left to understand is that her very presence sparks an unpleasantness within, an unpleasantness that can only drive one to insanity and fury,
Danger is the key word to describe this she,
this she who contaminates those she at first possesses with penetrating admiration for her angelic beauty,
but now that I have unwrapped myself from her tight, poisonous grasp I realise she is much more like a manipulative demon than an angel,
There she sits in her throne of friends, mingling with them and eyeing off her lover across from her in a distant field, her gaze sickens me to the core,
She confides in those who dare to fall under her spell and listen to her every complaint; she gives one a sense of great satisfaction when listening to her,
The satisfaction only grows to addiction,
Her perfection triggers suspicion later,
surely it is too good to be true for such an immaculate being to exist?
She could have been an angel, but had that been so she would not have forced her victims into nearly inescapable pools, leaving us to drown in our own misery and hopelessness,
But the pool can be escaped, yes it can, no, the girl will not bask in the glory of her victory over the petty, because some are not petty, some are fighters, some survive,
Now she is happy, living the dream life in her own cradling social circle, deceiving everyone that surrounds her,
You may have that power, but one day I will gain it for good, and snatch it from your prickly hands of evil,
I and others will be rid from your sticky venom that keeps us linked to you, the monster.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Here I am for your second make up review~ Merry Christmas!
Haha! The bitterness is strong in this piece! Everything about the situation is blown up and I think it's really interesting that the narrator reveals to the reader how much venom he or she has, but not why he or she believes the other person, the perfect person, secretly has venom. If that was your intent, it's definitely effective.
I think, however, that it's also kind of annoying to read. I don't know if there's really any way to fix that besides maybe toning down the absolutely epic scale of bitterness here. Words like "misery", "hopelessness" and "gallant" really throw everything into the annoyingness of this bitter narrator. I mean, obviously that's their character, but you could potentially balance it and still retain that hypocrisy. I do like the word gallant, too.
The other suggestion I have would be throwing in a specific moment about this perfect girl. It might show, more than bitter words, just how backward this narrator is in thinking about the girl if you can pull it off so that the reader sees clearly the girl's not doing anything wrong except for not liking the narrator back, but we also get the narrator's description of how terrible it is. That would be a good addition (and replacement for some of the description) to this piece!
Remember to PM me if you have any questions or comments about this review.
Good luck and always keep writing!
thanks so much
Hey,
.
So when I saw this i didn't feel it as a poem but when I read this, I haven't really read such an amazing poem in a long while now. This was just amazing and I loved it. Like really really loved it. And the big lines in these poem still astonish me. I mean I can barely put 5 to 6 words in a line when it comes to writing poems and here to made such big lines. Amazing!
First I had felt there was some error in formatting but then I felt there wasn't but unfortunately there is. You haven't written it in a way that one can consider it as a poem. As I said before, I didn't fell like it was one until I started reading. That was one negative point I found here. Try putting it in stanzas, or if not that you can always but a 'line space' after every comma. Just recommendations...
Punctuation and Grammar, I will just do a thumbs up on that. Both of them are very impressive here. And there were no spelling mistakes here too which was one plus point, a big one! ((By the way, I have a feeling that you wrote this specifically about someone you know in real XD))
Then comes the plot, actually I should have mentioned it first but anyways, the plot of this poem was simple and easy to understand. After reading just the first few lines, the reader can understand what you actually are talking about. Basically the poem shows only one direction, of hatred and revenge which is the best point I found. It's too often seen that poems give a lot of directions and then the reader just gets utterly confused which is bad (Trust me, I have experienced, I do it too sometimes LOL)
Now comes the best part,
My favorite part of the poem was:
"...what did she do? What will she do? Why did she do it if she did?
The only thing left to understand is that her very presence sparks an unpleasantness within, an unpleasantness that can only drive one to insanity and fury,
Danger is the key word to describe this she,
this she who contaminates those she at first possesses with penetrating admiration for her angelic beauty..."
It was truly an amazing poem. If you ever write any other poem then PM me and send me a link, I would love love love to read it
Also I hope nothing written above offended you, they were all just recommendations and opinions.
All the best for your next posts and ask me if you need ANY help at all. And I just noticed that you are a new member so Happy joining YWS (If this makes any sense XD) So taht's it. Hope this helped you.
Umaima
Thanks so much! I'm flattered!
:d No prob
Wow! I'm impressed! I know this sounds cliche, but this was very nice! What I liked about this the most was your impressive range of vocabulary. The manner that you used it in was appropriate and not too showy. The line that I liked the most was "But now that I have unwrapped myself from her tight, poisonous grasp, I realize she is much more like a manipulative demon than an angel". Well done!
Thanks