Young Writers Society

Is it me or your age and this poem seem to have a funny effect kinda thing!

Anyways her! Umaima here to review you submission

Positives:

I felt your poem was amazing! I was glued to it the whole time reading and had fun!

Minimum grammar and punctuation mistakes which was another good thing.

The title was really attention grabbing!

Negatives:

Only one negative was what I found!The formatting was not there! So below I have done it for you:

"The passing of time, only so much can one take.

How can it be that one second is and then was?

The falling of autumn leaves, each leaf that falls results in one lesser.

One day the whole tree is bare, nothing more for it to showcase no beauty to be desired.


It is barren, dead but on display.

One commonly fears emptiness, to be empty is to be lonesome.

No one wants to be lonesome do they?

They must not, tis not true.


But is it true?

No more does yesterday count as today or tomorrow,

No longer can we repay our mistakes,


We switch the lights on,

We turn the heat off,

But is that enough to expel the troubles we have burdened the world with?


Every light counts,

All the heat counts.

One day this world will transform into its very own maxi-sized heater,

And all within it will melt, so violently under the pressure of our old friend the sun.


Don’t you see? We will burn, blood will shed, our skin will decay, our features rotting like termite infested wood, and our beloved world we call home will never again be the same.


Time won’t return, because God will have confiscated it from us."


Overall view: I loved it very much and the ending was just remarkable! So great piece!

Happy reivew day!

Umaima

Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!

Technical:
"The passing of time, only so much can one take.", you should reword this as "The passing of time, only so much one can take." That one word switch greatly helps the reading flow.

"One day the whole tree is bare, nothing more for it to showcase no beauty to be desired." Add a comma after "showcase" to help the flow out.

"One commonly fears emptiness, to be empty is to be lonesome." Either separate these with a semi-colon, or change the comma to a period.

"No one wants to be lonesome do they?

They must not, tis not true." Punctuation: add a comma after "lonesome", and an apostrophe at the beginning of "tis".

"Every light counts,

All the heat counts."
Make these two sentences, instead of one.

"One day this world will transform into its very own maxi-sized heater," the maxi-sized heater part is really awkward. It's much simpler to say "over-sized heater".

Content:
Good job on tying the environmental issue with the end of the world. But be careful how you present it. It seems like the poem just ends after "All the heat counts.", and then you start another idea with the new stanza. So maybe find a way to blend the two together a bit more smoothly?

Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!

This is a very good poem with a strong message behind it, but I personally thought a few things could possibly be altered.
Firstly, there were a few commas and apostrophes missing in places; 'One day the whole tree is bare, nothing more for it to showcase no beauty to be desired' should have been 'One day the whole tree is bare, nothing more for it to showcase, no beauty to be desired' and the word 'tis' as in 'it is' should have an apostrophe before the 't'. Secondly I thought perhaps the description of the fate of humankind could have possibly been put in a slightly more subtle way, perhaps using more imagery rather than simply listing the calamities, using 'show rather than tell' to create a picture in the reader's mind. The previous lines have good descriptions, 'It is barren, dead but on display' was a particularly good one I thought.
All in all a very nice poem indeed with a striking and dramatic message, but I personally thought a little more imagery and punctuation would really make the message stand out in the reader's mind

Wow okay let's see...
I really love the beginning, extremely gripping.

My favorite line was probably "No more does yesterday count as today or tomorrow" - Highly insightful! Some lovely use of language here and there.

However, you sort of lost me somewhere in the middle. It wasn't so much the message but the style that seemed to take a turn. This can be very misleading and you do not want that, especially when conveying such a powerful message (the message is still evident though).

Beautiful ideas, just be careful regarding the style.
#InspirationalMessage

OK, review time! Your poem started out on a good poetic note, and I like how you wrote: "How can it be that one second is and then was?" But as the poem progresses, you grow kinda wary of it. The beginning is poetic, and the nearing the ending you get all prosy.
Trust me, it doesn't mix.
There are a few places where you could improve:
"They must not, tis not true.

But is it true?"
First off, yeah, I know the word "tis" looks seriously professional and stuff, but at other times it just gives the impression that you've tried too hard. I used it a lot too, but when a very blunt friend told me how plain dumb it looked, I stopped. However, a "tis" doesn't hurt in a good old-fashioned poem! I'd suggest you avoid using it though. Also, since you've already used "true" once, when you write: "But is it true?" it looks weird. You could settle for just: "But is it?" and avoid repeating the word. It looks out of place.
You might want to add punctuation to the line: "One day the whole tree is bare, nothing more for it to showcase no beauty to be desired" as well.
I love how you describe the tree as "barren" and yet on display. It gave a nice sort of thrill.
I hope this helps! Keep on writing!
Cheers,
Pompadour