I call myself by my last mistake
take the beating and guilt as a sign
no one wants to know if I'm fake
and I know they all think I'm alright
***
don't deny it's in the back of your mind
lead me out to the forest to cry
tie me up, drop me in the sea
make sure that everyone forgets me
***
Try not to think about who I was
she's long since blown away
into a world where the ghosts take flight
and even they leave without me
***
bracelets won't be my memorial
burn it all at the wake
remember to close my eyes
I don't want to see their faces
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello! I've had this poem bookmarked for...over a year, it seems!! I honestly have so many writing works that I want to review and give feedback on and give a meaningful comment to each writer, so let's get started!
What I Loved:
1.) The gloomy, somber, depressing aura of the piece. I love, love, love sad pieces like this. Even if it touches on sensitive topics, like depression, suicide, etc... I still connect.
2.) The fact that it brings up death because the narrator feels dead inside (or that's what I assumed). I feel the same way.
3.) You wrote this. There are some people on this writing website that just have a wonderful poetic touch, some of them being @marms, @honeymoon, @Aleta, @Casanova, (etc) and you for sure.
Suggestions:
1.) Were you aiming to make each stanza rhyme with the scene ABCB? Or am I missing it, and this was a free verse style that almost rhymes but not quite? Either way, I loved this!
2.) When you have the line: "She's long since blown away"... Don't you want to stay in first person narrator, or did you intently switch to third person omniscient/limited to see if anyone would pick it out? (I haven't read the reviews below, so forgive me if I repeat anything of what they say).
But overall, I loved this poem! Thank you for posting, even if I accidentally put this off for a whole year
Have a wonderful day!
~ Em
Thanks for the review!
Though I wrote this as lyrics awhiiiiiiiiile ago and it's rather embarrassing to read them again! Lol
Oooh, I really like this. It's a bit on the short side, but on the other hand, I don't think adding another verse or bridge or what have you is necessary. I like the level of detail here; even though I don't know exactly what "bracelets won't be my memorial" means, I still thought the image added nicely to the mood. Speaking of the mood, that's another thing this piece does well: set a dark, gloomy mood that seems genuine, not sad just because sad songs sell (or rather sold...for a while there...in the mod-2000s...gods I'm old). If I had to nitpick at one thing, I would say that I'm not sure what the point of the italics in the second verse is and I found it distracting. Other than that, excellent job!
Thanks! The bit in italics is the chorus.
Ahhhh, okay! Is the chorus repeated at all?
Yup! Choruses are typically repeated after each verse.
Typically, yes, but some people add extra choruses at the end, or cut them out before the bridge, etc. etc. so I thought I'd ask
Holy tostitos, Socks! (I hope you are fuzzy socks to wear in winter!! xD) I have this page bookmarked on my Internet Browser, because I love coming back to this and reading again. I've been listening to Spotify's music but I had to stop it because I find it's easier to read without a song in the background.
I sang this in my mind since I have no talent in singing. I love how this work portrays sadness and also promises to be fulfilled. You added a sense of the future to come, with some depression (I think) amalgamated in there too. I love how you chose to not keep a style of rhyming or punctuation. It crested just a string of thoughts that sound so BEauTIfuL together. I love this!
I hope you add more to this, or at least turn it into a full song with music in the background. I don't expect you to do that - with a job (I'm assuming) and schooling that come before. But I love this poem.
I need more review points so I'm going to type randomly... fnfncndhdhdnd dhfngkemakalama dlxndhe g g shsneotntjd s fjtnwjdhfmyksnsnd fkymskdnfkgnntjs sz gohmyienfjtmsuwlsnfnf r snfjgoejshfm yiucnslrntncnsjaow t gjcnntk rsnrsnskfdnglly the sjskfgogmyktdnd jxnfgy trejsnslxcjgmgkdshs fgjdkehsjxlfngy
Sorry! Have a wonderful day!
Holy tostitos, Socks! (I hope you are fuzzy socks to wear in winter!! xD) I have this page bookmarked on my Internet Browser, because I love coming back to this and reading again. I've been listening to Spotify's music but I had to stop it because I find it's easier to read without a song in the background.
I sang this in my mind since I have no talent in singing. I love how this work portrays sadness and also promises to be fulfilled. You added a sense of the future to come, with some depression (I think) amalgamated in there too. I love how you chose to not keep a style of rhyming or punctuation. It crested just a string of thoughts that sound so BEauTIfuL together. I love this!
I hope you add more to this, or at least turn it into a full song with music in the background. I don't expect you to do that - with a job (I'm assuming) and schooling that come before. But I love this poem.
I need more review points so I'm going to type randomly... fnfncndhdhdnd dhfngkemakalama dlxndhe g g shsneotntjd s fjtnwjdhfmyksnsnd fkymskdnfkgnntjs sz gohmyienfjtmsuwlsnfnf r snfjgoejshfm yiucnslrntncnsjaow t gjcnntk rsnrsnskfdnglly the sjskfgogmyktdnd jxnfgy trejsnslxcjgmgkdshs fgjdkehsjxlfngy
Sorry! Have a wonderful day!
Thank you for your comment, Vex! Glad you enjoyed it.
Just a friendly reminder: it's not very nice to put random letters in your reviews to increase your character count! Would you feel very good if someone did that to you? Just something to think about! Have a lovely day!
I know, I know but I really want to post more and I've had it done to me before but I am fine with it.
You as well!
Holy... omg, this was amazing. I wish you could put some music to this so I could hear how it would sound. Just the imagery that you used showed me what you were feeling at the time. It's almost an abstract type of work, very artistic. Agghhhhh the feels, when you write music, you want to be able to convey the sort of feeling you were feeling onto the listener and move on their hearts. You did that so incredibly well, there is just nothing to critique, It was just that good. Please keep doing what you do. It was so well written and thought out. GREAT job. I mean that.
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it c:
Hi, this made me feel the feels so I decided to drop in to leave a review that is often found in the first two pages of books, because hey, this is good.
It’s good that it is not a poem otherwise it would have been difficult for me to comment, for I lack technical insights for poems, though poets always, if not in some ways, try to break the rules and the technicalities.
The main reason I chose to comment on this piece is because I got Lisa Hannigan kind of vibe when I read this-- dream-like with a tinge of frustration and realism spread on it.
The first verse is a very good for a start. Though, I would have preferred “you” instead of “they,” but as I read on I realised that you are addressing a group here, so I’m guessing it’s not a romantic heart-break song that the title (ever so slightly) suggests. So I’m not sure if the change would be fruitful, but the addressing did spike my interest. I now want to know everything about this girl, who is she and why is she addressing the group, what did they do to her? Is this “group” her parents, friends, relatives, or ex-lovers? You see, word preferences changes the entire perspective, and I just hope you write another just for the sake of it, you could write a book of lyrics about this woman. Because I find her interesting!
Does the chorus have to be a chorus? I think it would still work of it isn’t one. Also,
It’s “that”
Unlike, Lightsong, I know how significant the bracelets, bangles and anklets can be to remember someone by, it’s all over our scriptures and folk tales, so that spoke to me in spiritual level.
And oh, in the third verse,
I don’t think you need “about” there, I feel it flows well without it.
That’s all I got, hope it was helpful at the least and not super waste of time.
Keep writing!
Cheers!
Thanks, Dreamy! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Hey, I'm here to leave a quick review!
So, I'd like to know the flow of the idea. Like, how can it go from recognizing the persona make mistakes, take the beating and feel guilty to no one caring whether the persona is being genuine (?) and just dismisses the persona as being alright. It's a bit too sudden of a jump from one idea to another. Also, rhyming might not be good here (since it lessens the seriousness of the poem) whether it's intentional or not for the first and third lines. Try rephrasing those.
I'm pretty sure the tone in this stanza indicates the persona is listing out what the persona she speaks to wants to with her rather than instructing the person about it. 'Lead me', 'tie me up', 'make sure' can be confused as the persona asking the person to do those to her. It's a simple fix: change it into something that's happening, like 'leading me out', because that would be an observation instead of instruction. Also, I'm pretty sure 'the' in the last line is not needed. c:
Love the imagery of ghosts. The line 'they leave without me' makes me think it's the world of the dead. I don't know what to say about this, it's beautiful, but I do think the past tense in the first line is unneeded? 'I am' seems to fit there just fine, because the second line would imply 'she's long since blown away' and indicates the past.
'burn it all at the wake'? I'm quite confused about that... might be because I'm not a native English speaker. I think 'bracelets' symbolizes something, but I need to think more of this. The third and fourth lines though, that's another nice imagery. Simple, but it conveys emotion effectively nonetheless.
Anyway, this is an enjoyable read. I can see there's a gap between the lines, so I recommend you to read this to get the poetry format right! Keep up the good job!
Thanks, Light! This is actually lyrics. I don't write lyrics ever, so I was trying it out! In the chorus, it was supposed to be that the person was instructing them to do those things. I mean, the title is instructive on it's own.
Thank you again though! I think I will get rid of the rhyming- it was just something I started to do at the beginning and then forgot about, which I hate. XP
<3
Ah, I see... sad if the persona really instructs them to do those things. >.>
You're welcome!
Yeah, it's not the happiest thing... :/
Hello Remington38 here for a review,
This is very well written and the only thing I would recommend is taking a look at the grammar. I don't know much about songs so I am sorry if this isn't very helpful. I agree with the other review below me that it could have no many other meanings. This would be so good to hear with music. I love how poetic the lyrics are and how well they flow together.
Thanks!
Hey holy, I'm not a pro as you but still I'm going to review so please be happy to even criticize my review or my work. So hey nice work, Amazing actually. The thing I love about this is that this is kind of that song[poem] that could have a thousand different meanings. That second stanza made me think of twilight even if I never liked the series.'Bracelets won't be my memorial' I don't know why but I just love that line. I can't clearly grasp what you meant by this song but this is just awesome and well... dramatic. Love the profile picture by the way.
Thanks!