when the water's low
I float through the straw
golden waves
that wave
over dips and ditches on my way
to-and-from Malaysia
*
there's a place where the water's thin-
granted passage into the
Pollen situated at your grandmother's house
--these things make up my white noise.
far-from and in-between a path that
falls out of Indonesia
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Hi there! I just wanted to say that this is really awesome and it flows so well! You've got a talent for writing! I really like the part where you say "golden waves that wave"- the repetition of "wave" allows imagery to be created in my mind.. like you're almost floating over these "guppy fields". Also, your poem isn't too long, and is effective in this length - creating quite a dreamy mood - which is awesome
. I also love the ambiguity created in this poem by the mentioning of "grandmother's house" - why are you there? It's interesting though, I enjoyed the read 
. Keep it up! x
Thanks! c:
Hello Holy!
Lovely poem you have here. It is so like a dream. So lovely and liquid and floaty.
There are a bunch of really awesome things going on here. I like the length and the simplicity of this. You have a sort of abstract style and voice going on here, the tone of which is probably one of my favorite tones in all of poetry.
There are a couple of things that I personally would change, however.
The use of "wave" twice in a row here makes it sound like you were struggling for a word and then just lamely repeated yourself. There are so many good words to choose from!
Is "Pollen" capitalized for a reason? It really sticks out.
the fact that you used one hyphen after "thin" and two before "these" makes me wonder if it's supposed to read just like thingranted? If you're going for -- and I don't know if you are -- something like this, I'd suggest doing something like I did, or actually grabbing an m-dash from somewhere. Like here, have one: —
There's a certain disconnect in the first four lines of the second stanza. Like, they read fine and pretty, but when I think about the meanings, they don't quite feel matched up.
Like:
"these things" > what things?
"granted passage" > who granted the passage? Or is it an adjective?
"into the pollen" > this sounds pretty cool, but with all the other disconnects, it gets easier to question things like this. But honestly, I really like the image, I'm just bringing it to your attention because it's just another thing that makes the reader go, "wait, what?" in a short amount of time. You only want one or two kind of shocking things at a time, especially in a poem as calm as this.
"your" > we've been talking in first person all this time and then suddenly "you" gets brought in, and never mentioned again. Feels a little jarring, like, the reader suddenly goes, "MY grandma? What're we doing at /her/ house?"
The disconnect adds to the tone that I liked so much, but I feel like it sorta pokes holes in the... logic? of the poem. You can decide to change all of these, none of them, or some of them.
The last lines of the stanzas are the most intriguing to me, because I wonder if this is from some personal experience of you going to these places, or something like that. I wonder if water on hay fields or something is common there. They make me question things in a good way. They seem oddly specific, but that adds to the tone I like. My natural curiosity is dying to know more about why these particular countries were chosen, but I don't want any of that to be put into the actual poem, because I think that would ruin the mystery, and a little bit of the gentleness, you know?
The title is also extremely intriguing and excellent. A+ titling. It definitely got my attention. The word "guppy" is just so excellent as a word for the name of a little colorful fish.
Anyway, fantastic poem! I really liked reading it.
Keep writing, hollyrocks <3
~fortis
Thanks Fortis! ^_^ Yeah I hate how the second stanza is all weird. I think I will change that.
I just put the places in because I love how they sound SO much. I don't know why. I've never been there.
Oh wow! I love your writing style! I love the connection you made between yourself and the water. It is so vivid in my mind, I absolutely love it! Great job by the way and I hope to see a lot of your amazing writing in the future!
Thanks! c: