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waiting for the moon to say goodnight

by Holysocks



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Tue Mar 21, 2017 10:29 pm
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Snoink wrote a review...



This is probably going to be a controversial opinion, so you should probably ignore me, but I really adore the rhyming in the second stanza and almost wish you could spread it throughout. It's such a sweet little poem and I think rhyming would make it sweeter still because it would increase the sing-songiness of the entire poem.

My other controversial opinion is the last two lines seem almost out of character of the moon? The moon almost seems like a player, honestly. She's waiting for him to say goodnight, but he's winking and beaming at her instead. She's waiting for him to kiss her and miss her, but he doesn't feel the same. So, again, it almost feels like the moon is toying with her affections which are not returned. Then, suddenly, at the end, he's showing her that she needs to find her way. So, suddenly he turns from a player to a mentor, and it's kind of a weird transition.

Still, it's a cute poem!




Holysocks says...


Thank you, Snoink! c:

Yeah, all the contradictory stuff is kind of how I've been feeling lately with some stuff, so I think it heavily bled through. I'm not sure if I want to fix that or not, but I'm certainly going to look into it! ^_^



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Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:29 am
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Kays wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I like dropping in to review your poems because they're always quite lovely, and this is no exception to that trend. This poem has the feel of being sort of a fable or something that could be described as a sort of lullaby, not because it sounds like it would make one from the lines, but the tone that the piece sets and how calm it is. So this is a rather short poem, and I like it being that way because you don't try and drag it out when it's better condensed into just a few stanzas. The title even gives off that sort of lullaby feeling that the poem gives off.

In the first stanza, we see that the poem starts off with a bit of what the title already said, and for this I think this works. The imagery that you use works off of each other, especially with the freckles glowing and reminding me of stars. One thing about it that I did find odd is that in the rest of the poem the stanzas are four lines long, but I can understand why you have five lines in the first stanza and you don't have to keep the same amount of lines in each stanza since it's your poem, but if you wanted to make it more even, you could.

Something that I found to be odd is how you worded the second line of the first stanza with "winked my way", but it's not something that I mind all that much. In the second stanza it seems that you're trying to implement a sort of rhyme, but I don't think it works in this piece all that much. Sure, if you want to make the whole poem rhyme, which is a general rule of thumb, but you only really do it in that stanza.

The last stanza lacks a bit of a rhythm that the rest of the poem has for me, but that's something minor compared to the atmosphere that you set up because it definitely feels like something that could put someone to sleep in the sense of how soothing and just generally nice it is. Do you guys say sill as 'cill' up there, or is that just a simple spelling mistake? That's something that I couldn't tell about this piece. The poem ends rather predictably, but I don't see this to be a bad thing. It's nice for what it is, and it works in its simplicity.

Best,
Kayla.




Holysocks says...


Thank you! C: I'll definately look into all this. Fort looked it up and apparently "sill/cill" has two spellings! I wasn't sure when I put it in there, but it looked right to me.

Thank youuu! <3



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Mon Mar 20, 2017 12:51 am
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fortis wrote a review...



Ooh look! a Holy Poem! :D

So! Let's take this stanza by stanza.

First off, you title is lovely. Good job there. Sometimes titling can be the hardest thing.

First stanza: Honestly, the only thing that I feel would make this flow better would be to put a comma after "instead."
I feel like the image of winking -> stroking is a little weird. Honestly, I just feel like "stroking" is a very... sexual image. And I feel like that's not what you meant. Maybe think about that word choice a little longer? It's fine to keep it the way it is, but I do want to bring it to your attention.

Stanza Two: I'd add some punctuation to this stanza if it was my poem.
The first two lines are really strong, but the last two lines are markedly weaker. Sure it rhymes, and it's not entirely awkward, but you go from having some really rich images and word choice to some "eh" sorta cliche love-poem vocabulary. Can you see the difference between the two lines?

Stanza Three: I think you meant to say "sill" as in Window Sill. WAIT NEVER MIND apparently there's two spellings. I've only ever seen it as "sill," but it might be one of those weird british/canadian things.
I got a little tripped up on the last line. I feel like maybe if you said "they're there for you..." it might roll off easier, but maybe that's just me. I think my brain just wanted to read "they're" as "there" because it's more used to seeing "there" before "for you" (as in "I'm t/here for you).
I love the image of the rivers in the stars.
"and whispered just for me" seems like a slightly weaker line than the rest of the poem.

As for taking the poem altogether, I'm a little iffy on where the moon stands in its love for the narrator. The first stanza is quite the mix of emotions. The second stanza is more of a "oh, he doesn't feel the same about me" but the third stanza sounds like the moon loves the narrator very much. I wish that relationship was more clear.

It was a very nice, sweet poem altogether. I'm a sucker for the moon hehe

Keep writing, holy! I hope this helped!
~fortis




Holysocks says...


Thanks Fort! c: Yeah, that all makes a lot of sense. A lot of this I think was because I was rather conflicted while writing this!- hence the weird sexual-theme and then the less so, and the moon loving her then not then yes. I think it was the narrator that thought the moon didn't love her back. Some of those things though I really want to fix. XP like I probably will rethink the wording to make it less sexualised >.>

And at first it felt like it flowed nice and I was happy, but then I read it more and it feels all choppy especially in the last line. Bleh. Thank you for pointing this all out!



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Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:57 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Good day!

The exchange between "I" and the moon was short and sweet. I like short poems that pack a punch into the lines; I feel like they're more powerful and leave a stronger impression on me.

Anyways, let me jump into the meat of the review. The rhythm in the last two stanzas were very nice and I wished your first stanza had a little more rhythm.

Another issue here is that I'm not so sure the second stanza really matches the theme. It's kind of lyrical and all...but it simply doesn't enhance the poem so much. I'm not asking you to delete it or anything, but I think it would be better if you revised the second stanza to fit the flow of the rest of the poem.

I love the way you use asterisks instead of quotation marks. It feels more like a "star". The imagery in the first stanza was strong, partly because it's connected to the universe.

I'd love to see more of your poetry. Keep writing!

~Princess Ink~




Holysocks says...


Thank you! c:



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Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:46 pm
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AkeliaTaske wrote a review...



Hey there! Akelia here for a review!

I just wanted to say, this is beautiful. We get the message of the poem, although it is really short, it tells me exactly what your saying. That is crucial in writing, and you nailed it!

The first paragraph I noticed, and the last one, did not rhyme. The second one did, which confused me a little bit. Normally poems are either all rhyme or no rhyme. But this is different, so it's very interesting. I just thought it was a bit confusing.

Also, the last paragraph is not capitalized. I didn't know if that was intentional, but I saw some was, and some wasn't. Anyways, nice job!

Good luck and keep writing!

-Akelia




ChieRynn says...


that's a good review, Akelia



Holysocks says...


Thank you! :)




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