A/N: This is probably the most pointless thing I've written- for the most part. It's very repetitive, which I apologize in advance for. It's also completely ridiculous, so bare that in mind. I just thought I should write this warning to say that I do in fact realize this is quite a bunch of rubbish, but I like it and I enjoyed writing it. Hope it's somewhat entertaining to read~
ALSO please be completely honest; if all the ridiculousness doesn't work for you, just say so. Why am I still typing?
***
One of them held a knife. One of them had blood smeared on it's hands. And one of them was sprawled on the carpet, newspapers put together like puzzle pieces atop it. None of them spoke. The one with the knife looked at the one stained in blood. Waiting.
That's when the door swung opened, and one with a terrible grin on it's face strolled in.
“...Am I late?” It asked in a strange accent that embraced the As.
The one with the knife and the one with the blood exchanged glances.
“Were you... coming?” The one with the blood asked.
“Yes, I was supposed to.” The one with the terrible grin said with a chuckle. “Now, we should get to this- how does that sound?”
The one with the knife nodded.
The one on the ground just lay there.
“Let me explain how this works.” The one with the grin said. “Have either of you done this before?”
The one with the knife glanced at the one with the blood and shook his head.
“Alright than, what's going to happen is we take this one in a box, and we drag this box to the other boxes, and we-”
“The field of boxes?” The one with the blood interrupted.
“Ah, yes! Those boxes.” The one with the grin said. He clapped a hand on the back of the one with the blood and grinned even wider. “Let's get the box in here.” The one with the grin said excitedly.
The one with the knife gestured for the one with the blood to grab the box. He did so with a huff. They put the one on the ground in the box. The one on the ground was now known as the one in the box.
“Take that end, thank you.” The one with the grin said to the one with the knife. “And you can hold the light.” It said to the one with the blood, who was now known as the one with the light.
They lifted the one in the box and fumbled out the door. “It's this way.” The one with the grin said. And he led the way. They stomped through the town and out to the forest where the snow on the trees looked like icing sugar. Past the ferns that grabbed at their legs, and past the oceans of sand- each grain reminding them of the last. Then they sneaked past the moon, and finally came to the field of boxes.
“Kindly fetch the spades, thank you.” The one with the grin said to the one with the light. It fetched the spades and handed one to the one with the knife.
“Which one?” The one with the knife asked.
The one with the grin pursed his lips and squinted at the field before them. They all waited in silence. “This one!” it said, dragging the one in the box over to the base of a willow tree. “Right around there.” The one with the grin said.
The one with the knife and the one with the blood then shovelled the earth with their shovels as if they were spooning out pudding with spoons. As they were digging away, they hit something hard, and the one with the grin smiled even wider. “There it is!” It said, “Quick, pull it up!”
They hurried to do as the one with the grin said, hoisting the box out of it's bed. They set the box next to the one in the first box, and then they lowered the one in the first box into the second box's bed. They buried the one in the first box in the second box's bed, and once they were done they all turned to the second box, eager to meet the one that was buried.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
...Well, I can firmly say that this at least isn't as confusing as the first Salvador Dali film I watched. Don't take that as an insult or a compliment, because I'm not sue what that is.
My interpretation is that it's all supposed to symbolize some sort of burying ritual, or simply a parody of burials for the unknown, but even then I have only vagueness to go on. Which is actually quite lovely--I enjoy vague works and think they can hold a lot of emotion to them depending on the execution (Sia's Elastic Heart video comes to mind as one of the modern works, but I'm sure there are more out there). At the same time, though, I remain baffled, which I'm not sure is a good thing in itself.
But anyway, the writing itself. Well, let's see. It is a little repetitive, I must admit. I suggest using names that have meanings to them or just capitalizing the letters, such as the One with the Knife or simple the Knife Man (it's helped in a lot of cases, and seems to make the work a bit more humorous, showing some self-awareness). And then there was a lack of explanation when you said "It asked in a strange accent that embraced the As." What's an As? Should we know what is an As? Is Freud somehow involved in this? Confound it, Freud, stop getting involved in our work, life is confusing enough as it is!
Aaaand I'm stalling. And really, it's not because it's bad, but mostly because I don't know what to say. It was a very captivating story, and this is a fruitless review, because I understand very little of it and feel a lot from it. All I can say is thank you for the read. It's quite cool.
Thanks!
Hello Holysocks, Amindor here.
First, Happy review day. Second, I really enjoyed this and every word I read just makes me want to read more and more. The thing is, though, I am slightly confused about what is happening. What exactly are they doing? Who are they? I do know that you set this as a short story, but I would love to read more. I really enjoyed this story, and I can't wait to read and review more of your work in the future! Keep writing on!
Thanks for the review!
Hi Holysocks, Felistia here with a review on your short story.
Firstly happy review day.
Now on with the review. There are a lot of repetitive words in here and this does take a lot away from the story, because there is no variety. There is a simple way of fixing it though, lets take the word (box) for instance. All you have to do is type thesaurus box into google and press the search button. The thesaurus will come up with a whole lot of words that mean the same as box like crate or trunk. Some of them might not be right for your story, but it will still help to use some different words instead of box and that applies to a lot of the words in here like one.
The story is a little confusing and I couldn't picture or relate with the characters. Over all the story needs a bit of polishing. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Thanks for the review! c:
Hi, Holy Moly~ Here for a quick review!
I don't think this was repetitive, to be honest. I think it was just a tad confusing and it was hard for me to relate to the characters, mostly because I could not remember that there was 'one with a grin' or 'one sprawled on the floor' and I really couldn't understand the purpose behind them being referred to as 'one'? Perhaps you did this to create intrigue, but it's only worked to a certain extent--some readers might be too confused to continue reading, and it's kind of nerve-wracking trying to keep up with things when you don't really know who the characters are and what exactly is going on. The situation is interesting, definitely--are these people organising a burial? Are the spies, agents of some sort? Are they murderers? Or are they treasure hunters--pirates, perhaps? Since this is a short story, it needs to have a clear-cut beginning, middle and end. As it stands now, it feels incomplete and teasing. There aren't any clues being dropped around as to the identities of these folks, either, and you use the word 'it' for them, which makes me wonder if they're even human.
All in all, it feels kind of like a snapshot scene out of a larger story, and I'd advise expanding on it, adding a bit of depth, and coming up with a firmer resolution. Another question--what is the conflict? What is the story trying to explore? The writer might know this, but the reader doesn't, and it's important that we get out hands on those grubby little details to understand the piece better.
I'd like to read more of this, if you ever decide to expand on the story, Holy. The idea looks to be an intriguing one and I'm definitely curious to see what would happen if you dug deeper into it.
Keep writing! Keep it up!
Hope this helped.
~Pomp c:
I never got a notif for this D:
Thanks Pompadear, that all makes sense. c: