I’m not going to pretend you like poetry and write you a sonnet- I’m not even sure what a sonnet is, honestly.
How about a story, then?
Once, and only once, a boy was born- I’m aware that there’s been plenty of boys born, but this one was special. I wasn’t there for it, I was too busy demanding food from my own parents, but I imagine they saw him and thought holy cow! How can anything be that skinny? and then they rushed you off to the nearest starship, wondering if the prophecy was true (a day will come when a toothpick is born, and he will bring happiness to the planet of ice and maple juice). But there was some trouble with your passport, and you were delayed nearly sixteen years. Alright that’s a bit of an exaggeration, you were probably fighting space donkeys for at least ten of those years. But guess what? The border guards couldn’t figure out what was wrong with your passports, so you tried to sneak in- “For the beavers!” you probably screamed. But your ship spun out of control and landed on ‘Merica, thus they thought the prophecy was ruined.
What they didn’t realize was that this boy was born to type. He’d sit there and type whatever came into his head, word after word- and sometimes it wasn’t just words that came to his head, sometimes it was something else entirely, and he’d type that down too. And he kept typing until the words led him to whole new planet, and he typed a tunnel from his world to the other. And guess what? That world was full of typists just like him. People busy creating their own world- people that were trying to make sense of the words that pounded on their skulls, begging to be set free. Little did he know that on this planet lived a girl from the planet of ice and maple juice (and they became bestest friends, in case you couldn't guess!).
Not only did he bring happiness to the land of ice and maple juice, but he also brought it to the land of typists, and it spread to their worlds as well!
Thank you, Hatt, for making me smile and laugh nearly every day. And thank you for laughing with me.
Happy Birthday you lovable goof!
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138,339 Literary Works • 672,106 Reviews
There are 2 sentences that are very hard to read. It is really annoying.
A few other sentences are hard to read.
Here are the sentences:
Alright that’s a bit of an exaggeration, you were probably fighting space donkeys for at least ten of those years.
and then they rushed you off to the nearest starship, wondering if the prophecy was true (a day will come when a toothpick is born, and he will bring happiness to the planet of ice and maple juice)
He’d sit there and type whatever came into his head, word after word- and sometimes it wasn’t just words that came to his head, sometimes it was something else entirely, and he’d type that down too
People busy creating their own world- people that were trying to make sense of the words that pounded on their skulls, begging to be set free. Little did he know that on this planet lived a girl from the planet
Hello LizEmo, and thank you for stopping by to comment on my work. Though this work I wrote two years ago and am not planning on editing it. There are plenty of works in the green room or that have just been posted in the last year that your comments would do way more for!
Also, what about the comments are hard to read? What part is annoying? If you don't specify these things in your reviews, I can't use your advice to make my works better.
I put some of the sentences that are hard to read and very hard to read in my comment above.
Okay, but you didn't explain what was hard to read.
Why am I just seeing this omg
This is amazing.
Someone *cough* racket *cough* (I think it was her...) brought it back to life a couple days ago.
Hey there Holysocks. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the conversation begin.
I know that you wrote this in honor of Hatt and that there is really no way to review it. If I don't review it and get it out of the Green Room, then who knows how much longer it will be effecting the count. And I have thought through whether I should just mark this as a review or do something stupid and actually write a review. I'm not very good at making decisions under pressure so I decided to leave you an actual review.
I understand the need to write all of the thoughts together but it really isn't quite right. Besides the reader has to take a breath in there somewhere anyways. You might as well create a break. Does the "h" in "holy cow" need to be a cap? I think it might just because you know that's where their thoughts begin.
So the land of maple juice and ice, even though my guess is a bit stereotypical, I think is referring to Canada? I'm really very sorry if I got that wrong. There isn't really that much of anything to talk about but I should really say something more. A compliment would probably be best in this situation. All that comes to mind is nice use of complete nonsense that somehow makes sense to me. And from the little I know about this place and from chat, I know this is my cue to shut up.
Great job, have a nice day, sorry if I messed up in anywhere in this "review".
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
Hi! Writervid here to review!
My first thought when I read this was "awwwww" because this was such a sweet piece. From the introduction to the ending I found myself just smiling and laughing and just enjoying it because it was that great. This was a piece that was packed with great emotion and creativity and I really enjoyed it. (I was also laughing half the time, I should mention. Because this was so endearing yet so random. Inside jokes?).
Worldbuilding--
Of course, this is short, but I just wanted to gloss over this topic really quickly. You mention starships and "a planet of ice and maple juice" and passports and a place where beavers and space donkeys exist. Now, I don't know if these were things that were just thrown together, or were part of your friendship, but it certainly paints a cool picture in my mind--a picture of a happy place in which adventures can happen on whims and air travel is a bit wonky but it's alright. You paint a picture that is almost like a mixture of a medieval times and star wars, and that's awesome.
Okay--let's go down to editing! Just a couple of grammatical things, nothing to fear.
- I’m aware that there’s been plenty of boys born, but this one was special.
Should that grammatically be in parenthesis? I'm not sure myself.
I wasn’t there for it, I was too busy demanding food from my own parents, but I imagine they saw him...
I feel like "I was too busy demanding food from my own parents" should be separated by hyphens, like this:
I wasn’t there for it---I was too busy demanding food from my own parents--but I imagine they saw him...
Happy Birthday you lovable goof!
There should be a comma before "you lovable goof".
Overall, this was great. I'm happy you have such an awesome friend!
Thanks for the review!
XD <3 c:
C: <3
:3