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the inevitable

by Hkumar


standing on the ashes
of burnt pieces of heart
these massive walls built
to guard my vulnerabilities
held together with tears
that parched with time.

cold and harsh realities
waiting for a breakthrough
every emotional trigger
hitting like pangs of guilt
getting harder every minute,
flashbacks and memories
concealing them all within
but don't know for how long
visible cracks creeping in
as the walls begin to crumble.

a plethora of painful emotions
setting off another breakdown,
a tsunami that would wash away
everything these walls preserved,
pulling me back into the dark ravine
keeping me hostage of my past again.


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Sat Oct 16, 2021 1:37 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi Hkumar!

This is a pretty well-structured poem, with some nice sound devices that tie it together. The overall mood I’m sensing is one of sadness. You’ve managed to make something new out of some stereotypic images of the heart, as walls and emotions as bodies of water, for instance, the tsunami image was a pretty unique one. I also like how the water motif is actually interspersed throughout the poem, for instance with “tears” in the first stanza, and perhaps the “breakthrough” in the second stanza could be referring to the tsunami wave that breaks down the wall.

You mentioned in your request that you’d like some feedback for “improvising”, so I’ll focus on feedback to keep in mind for future poem-drafting.

Word Choice

I think one grow could be to think about how different word choices interact with each other. Something that caught my eye was in stanza one, with the image of the ashes. In line 1, “ashes” brings to mind something fine and powdery, but then line 2 introduces burnt “pieces”, which gives a different idea than just ash. It makes me think there are charred lumps of the organ still there in the ruins. Then in line 3, suddenly there are “massive walls”, which apparently jumps back in time to before the heart was burnt down.

I did like how the image “parched” sort of foreshadows the crumbling of the walls later on. Though on a second read, it does make me wonder where the fire came from to burn the heart to ashes, if the poem ends with the walls crumbling due to a tsunami and the speaker being pulled into a “dark ravine”.

In stanza 3, I wondered if something as catastrophic as a tsunami would merely “wash away” the walls, or if it would do something more violent. “wash” is a word I’d associate more with regular, gentle waves, or floods or rivers perhaps. A tsunami brings to mind something more powerful – maybe it crashed into what was inside the walls, or it snatched it away.

Abstractions vs. Concrete Images

There’s a smattering of both abstract words like “realities” and concrete, specific images like “cracks creeping in” in this poem. I think the way they were used and balanced was pretty effective in stanzas one and three. I like how the first stanza establishes that there are “walls” with “tears” holding them together, to convey the more abstract idea of “vulnerabilities” that need to be guarded. In the last stanza, the “dark ravine” is also a pretty vivid image to convey the darkness of the speaker’s past.

I read more abstractions in the second stanza, like “realities”, “emotional trigger”, “guilt”, “memories”, “flashbacks”, which made it a bit difficult for me to imagine each being realized as a particular image or feeling.

Still, for this poem, the rhythm of the second stanza, with the sense that each line is building on the previous, does kind of convey the sense of emotions building up against the walls, even without very many concrete images.

Tonal Shifts

Something interesting to try in your next poem might be to incorporate shifts in tone, for instance layering the poem so that it goes from a more anxious tone to a more lamentory tone. Even though time seems to jump back and forth in this poem, the speaker’s attitude seems to be about the same. In the first stanza, it’s one of sadness/ lamenting, and it maybe introduces a bit of anxiety in the second stanza, with “but don’t know for how long”, but quickly shifts back to a lamentory tone, which makes the quoted line feel a bit out of place, like the speaker’s anxiety there didn’t have much of a conclusion or resolution.

I did like that the tone was established very early on, with that poignant image of the speaker standing on ashes, and I think being able to set a tone that quickly would benefit you in creating tonal shifts throughout a poem.

Overall

I think you’re pretty good at establishing a rhythm for a work – visually this poem looks very well-organised, with line breaks that come across as natural. Thinking some more about how the different kinds of images relate to each other in the piece might help to take that further.
Feel free to ask for clarification about anything I said in this review or to ask for more feedback.

Cheers and keep writing!
-Lim




Hkumar says...


Ahh thank you so much for that wonderful review Lim <3 :D



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Wed Oct 06, 2021 6:30 pm
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vampricone6783 wrote a review...



This is exciting.Whatever the narrator must be feeling,they are experiencing a great loss.Great details of the narrator’s suffering are the lines:”A plethora of painful emotions” and “of burnt pieces of heart.” These lines and the entire poem gives the narrator a realistic feeling.It doesn’t feel fake.It’s realistic and beautiful.Good job on the poem and I hope you have a wonderful day/night.




Hkumar says...


thanks!



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Wed Oct 06, 2021 12:21 am
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SadboyJay wrote a review...



hi,

i im dropping an review so lets get started

First off this was Excellent poem that i had read and this was a amazing piece of poem and i also have a good wonderful line standing on the ashes
of burnt pieces of heart
these massive walls built
to guard my vulnerabilities
held together with tears
that parched with time. this was pretty impressive and you can't runaway from your emotions its just sad on what you are doing

My Compliment is do you write whats in thought or you just write what you are feeling or something i just want to know cause some of the poems most people be talking about right now is mostly about there emotions on what they feeling

how you can improve is you bearly don't be making poems like that and i was asking that when will you be working on new poems like coming up with something you know what i mean

Keep writing and hopefully you enjoy writing have a good day !! By jay~




Hkumar says...


My writings are mostly based on the feelings I experience in real life and which I can't open up in front people in general.
I didn't get what you meant about improving but anyways, thanks for the compliment.



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Tue Oct 05, 2021 8:03 am
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Amirykal says...



Hi,
To begin with, I like how the course of the poem goes very naturally. The words do so much justice to the emotions, they are dynamic and simple where they need to be. The personification gives it a very lively feel. Keep writing like this. Hoping to see more work from you.




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Tue Oct 05, 2021 8:02 am
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Amirykal says...



Hi,
To begin with, I like how the course of the poem goes very naturally. The words do so much justice to the emotions, they are dynamic and simple where they need to be. The personification gives it a very lively feel. Keep writing like this. Hoping to see more work from you.




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Sun Oct 03, 2021 2:55 am
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CotardDelusionz wrote a review...



This is nice I like how through your words we get sense of imagery even though you're describing emotions and feelings, which is something hard to transform into something we can see. By far my favorite line is the last one "keeping me hostage of my past again" this is perfect way to describe such feeling of being burdened by the past in your daily life. We are hostage to it.




Hkumar says...


Thank you!



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Sun Oct 03, 2021 1:46 am
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BhavyaMehta123 wrote a review...



This is such an overwhelming piece. As I read this I just flew along with it. The fact that this feels something like own. The way you poured your emotions and feelings is so overwhelming. This is relatable at all levels. I can't stop reading it again and again. The last stanza is my absolute favourite. It is always so beautiful to read your pieces. Thank you for sharing this.
This is excellent and beautiful!
Keep writing :D




Hkumar says...


Thanks Bhavya ^^






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Sat Oct 02, 2021 7:11 pm
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AriesBookworm wrote a review...



We can't run away from our problems. When you run from your problems, all your doing is postponing the day they catch up with you. We all have to face reality at some point, no matter how bad it is. Being afraid doesn't make you a coward, it's running from your fears that make you one. Sometimes we have to face our problems head-on instead of cautiously dipping our feet in the water constantly wondering whether or not it's safe to dive in.

Excellent poem.




Hkumar says...


Thanks!




Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana