You have ruined your present life
with the deceitful fantasies of future,
letting yourself engulf into the
darkest corners of your sick mind,
getting lost in this complex labyrinth
knowing that there's no way out of this.
Cry as much as you want, for none will come to help
but pity, while you crumble under the massive burden
of these toxic thoughts that you sowed in your heart.
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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
<33
:)
Goodness gracious. This is certainly a very painful poem-- almost as if the narrator is trying to convince themself that this is what the subject wants.
Although there is much contempt directed towards the subject, there is a sad twinge in the writing that seems to show some affection for the subject.
Now, plot-wise things aside, time to get to the technical part of the review!
Grammatical
You should probably put a comma after "Want" in the first line of the last stanza.
There aren't any other Grammar mistakes so good for you!
pONYO wANTS hAM
Technical
I do have some technical things to point out. First-- the rhythm is messed up a bit; You could work on making the lines more rhythmically connected.
Second-- (Sigh-- YWS Doesn't accept em dashes) There are no rhymes, but since you have long lines here, rhymes are certainly needed. Now, since this is a short poem, the no-rhyming issue isn't too big. But what I'm trying to say is if you had a longer poem in this format with no rhymes, you would quickly lose the reader's attention.
Third-- I like how you italicized "Help". It really is like a small emphasis and really shows the meaning of this poem.
You don't have any other Technical mistakes, so good for you!
yOSHI yOSHI yOSHI
Plot
I promised myself I wouldn't go back to the plot reviewing but I guess I will.
SO
This is seriously the angriest poem I've seen on here. The narrator seems to be mad but also saddended because of the subject's toxic thoughts. The poem stood out because it was a perfect mixture of sympathy and rejection. The narrator is almost trying to convince the subject to stop. Although this poem is short, it is very good and I really wished that there would be more.
bURP gULP cHOMP y0$H!
Anyways-- hope you were satisfied with this review and have a happy review day!
-y0sH!
Thanks Yoshi for the lovely review
Your suggestions were really helpful and I'm glad you noticed that italicized word because it was indeed done intentionally just like you pointed out.
hii..you really wrote a bold inspiring poem. the poem is so true and clear in words . word choice is good. 'darkest corners of your sick mind' is a very beautiful line. you very well explained the story of a teenage.
the last line of the second paragraph is very beautifully written .
Thank you so much!
Wow. That was so beautiful! Thank you very very much for sharing!
Here’s a review of your poem.
Even the first two lines are really powerful.
“You have ruined your present life
with the deceitful fantasies of future”
The third line says,
“letting yourself engulfed into the”
I’m not sure if you meant engulf, instead of engulfed, but either way it sounds great!
I love how you use the words Complex Labyrinth. That works really well. Good job for thinking of that!!
I also love how you finish the next line,
“Knowing there is no way out of this”
You don’t specify what “this” is, but that makes it 100 times better.
As for the next three lines, they are AMAZING.
I LOVE the formatting and the way they are written. It just sounds so smooth. Nice work!
And finally I love how you say
“These toxic thoughts that sowed in your head”
Just perfect. Good job! I want to read more!
Wishing you a very merry Christmas 🎄
Ailah
Thank you so much for the review