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Something is missing

by Hkumar

In sleepless nights I lie awake.
Staring at the dark ceiling in disdain,
trying to look for stars in the wrong place.
A queer feeling that something is missing,
but what is it that  I have lost?

Competing in this crazy self-obsessed world
where one must proves his worthiness,
somewhere I have lost myself.
Trained to be busy for something
I don't actually care for,
being busy impressing others
who have different values than mine,
busy doing something I don’t even know
why am I doing it in the first place.

I have no idea of who I am.
I don’t know what to believe in.
Somewhere I’ve lost myself.
This emptiness haunts my soul.
Most days I feel empty and sad,
yet I have to cover it up with a smile
and fake gratitude to avoid their pity.
A missing purpose in my life
is what fills the void within me.

Feeling like I am heading
towards nothing in life,
or may be even worse :
Feeling like being dead
actually sounds better than
staying alive with a dying soul.
What if this race is not meant for me?
What if i don’t want to be a part of this?
Don’t make me run after your ambitions.

My soul is craving meaning,
depth and connection.
These rules of the self-fish society
have kept me hostage to fear ;
trapped in a zombie-like comfort.
My life has gone auto-pilot mode,
I have lost the controls of my actions.
A human-bot incapable of feeling
the sensations of joy and happiness.

Still lying awake, sad and in misery.
My mind still searching for something,
wondering when the days would get better.
Weaving a web of expectations and
getting entangled as I struggle to come out .
I have become a fake person with fake aspects,
so afraid of their expectations, to become perfect.
Trying to fit in their ideal frame with a forlorn hope
I realize with pain , I have lost my true-self.

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36 Reviews

Points: 2198
Reviews: 36

Thu Mar 26, 2020 7:09 pm
starlitnight wrote a review...

wow this is really good!!

a couple of sentences really hit me hard. like i had never thought about life and me as a person or people in general like that.

A human-bot incapable of feeling
the sensations of joy and happiness.

like this one for example. or the last line! that one really hit me hard.

I realize with pain , I have lost my true-self.

i can just feel the sadness and depression oozing from the words (or maybe it's just me self projecting?? i have no clue)

on a small note, you have some spaces that are unneeded. for example this one or the last line as well.

Still lying awake , sad and in misery.

but keep up the good work!!~

~laynie <3

Hkumar says...

Thanks @starlinight for the review. No you are not self projecting, you got the true emotions coming out from me.
Thanks for the little suggestion, I will make the correction.

starlitnight says...

oh good!! i got you :)
and you're welcome!~

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19 Reviews

Points: 1477
Reviews: 19

Thu Mar 26, 2020 6:58 pm
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StudentAH wrote a review...

Oh my god. That last line really hits me. But I really hope that through writing this, you are able to realize that there is hope. If you have lost yourself, you can find him/her again. It is tough working a job you don't like, its tough faking a smile. Its tough when your entire identity is built because of what people expect of you. It creates such an emptiness, such a lack of connection.

But I urge you to keep trying. Keep expressing, keep being yourself. Slowly, slowly, turn that gear in the opposite direction, even if its rusted over and you're barely making any progress. Just keep going, ever so slowly, and don't give up.

This part is such a question that dances on the edges of your mind when you're close to battling with suicide:

"Feeling like being dead
actually sounds better than
staying alive with a dying soul."

I very much relate to all the sentiments in your poem; A lot of it felt like it was just your pure thoughts running out on paper. It felt like a conversation, almost a diary entry.

That being said, it didn't have much of a poetic flow to it. I almost feel like if this poem was put into blocks instead of stanzas, it would have worked a little better.

But at the end of the day I feel that you put your heart into this poem, and it doesn't really matter if it rhymes or flows well, or has any rhythm at all. Sometimes, you just need to get stuff of your chest.

We're here for you, Hkumar. Don't give up. Keep writing, keep sharing, and stay put during the pandemic! We all love you! <3

Hkumar says...

Thanks StudentAH for those of kinds words. It was really motivating for me. It makes me feel good that I was able to convey my thoughts. I do suffer from a lot of low points in my life but do my best to stay happy. Even I wrote this piece just out of depression and did not focus much about the poetic aspects.
It's really great to have compassionate and positive people like you around. <3

StudentAH says...

:) Anytime, friend.

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54 Reviews

Points: 805
Reviews: 54

Sun Feb 23, 2020 2:29 am
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PlainandSimple wrote a review...

hello! Here to review.

I really enjoy your reason behind writing this! How you say things are truly breathtaking, good job. I really like your hook, it drags me in.

There is so much wrong with life and so much to think about. Everyone in life has lost some part of their true self and it is sad. Life is such a struggle. Life can be hard to handle and people do things just to get out of there heads. People smoke, people drink, people make up love, people use money, people eat, which makes them lose their true personality. No one has the ability to always be happy and it is such a sad thing. I wish everyone was happy all the time, but really that would ruin the point of life. I got that and so much more from your story, amazing job that you can put that much in someone's head by just a poem.

The only thing that bothers me is the space between your punctuation and your sentence. It's not a problem is just messes with my OCD. I guess it could be on purpose, however, other lines have the punctuation connected to the sentence. Fix it or not, it doesn't take away from your great work. Fabulous job! I will be reading more of your work!

_ from your friend,
@PlainandSimple _ :)

Hkumar says...

Thank you so much for the review @PlainandSimple :) I will fix the punctuations like you said said. Thanks for the suggestions and appreciation.

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37 Reviews

Points: 2848
Reviews: 37

Sat Feb 08, 2020 10:11 pm
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ChrisDixon wrote a review...

Hey,Hakumar. I'm here for a review.
But it going to be short.

There are few places you put comma and keep on writing more. After you put comma go to next line and
write more.

Somtimes in this poem I see this mark ; but you don't need this mark. In poem you only write commas, and periods when that stanza is done.

Other than that amazing peom with lots of describing words.

Keep on writing
>Chris Dixon

Hkumar says...

I am glad you liked it and thanks for the suggestions. I will keep them in mind.

"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong