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Co-rumination

by Hkumar


Daily venting to friends --
long rants, crazy texts;
strings of vile expletives
unleashing a pressure valve,
letting the emotional agony
escape from our system.

This rising plume of smoke
from our aching heart,
while some of these buried
vibes of misery are expelled,
a fire being stoked underneath
that doesn’t quite go out.
Indeed, the venting itself
is the cause – the thing
that keeps the fire fed
and letting it go all erratic.

Screaming and rambling
about the same problem
over and over again.
Instead of seeking actual
solutions out of this despair,
we end up feeding our own
negative feelings that grow
within the depths of our soul.

It's so tempting to obsess
and walk on this wicked path
getting lost in our own rants.
Obscure the healing potential
with this paradox of self-pitying
that makes us lament forever.
Leaving us just as vulnerable
as an emotionally crippled being.


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Fri Dec 25, 2020 7:49 pm
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ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hi Hkumar,

I'm so sorry that this took me a while to get to, but I'm here now! And I appreciate the request!

This is a nice poem! At first, I had a bit of a hard time figuring out the cadence of how this was meant to be read, but after a time or two through it, I started reading it a bit more rushed, and I think that was a nice stylistic choice based on the topic of this poem.

The first thing that came to mind of things you could tweak, if you wanted to, is punctuation and spacing. I know that those are 100% a stylistic choice so feel free to disregard all of this, but I think it could really enhance the emotions in your poem.

For example, in your first paragraph, I really like the imagery you choose of a pressure valve. It feels like tension is building when we went from venting to ranting to expletives -- which is great! I feel like that's exactly the emotion you were going for here, so well done. But the punctuation makes it feel a bit mild, tbh. All you've got there are commas and a period. What if you used more severe punctuation? Or even, cut down on some of the phrases so that they hit a bit harder. Fewer words with stronger impact. For example, you could try something like:

Daily venting to friends --
long rants, crazy texts;
strings of vile expletives
unleashing a pressure valve,
letting the emotional agony
escape from our system.


Obviously, this isn't perfect and you should play around with it, but you see what I did here? If you're wanting us to feel the pressure valve, then you need to build the tension, and you can do that with short, snappy stanzas. I usually review prose, and I always recommend that you use short sentences for action scenes. Long sentences are nice for expositions where you're wanting to lull people in a comforting description. But for battles you want short. Sharp. To the point. And I think that advice would be fitting for this as well so that you can make your readers feel the tension that you feel when you're venting.

Same thing for the next stanza, and I also think playing around with your spacing would do well for it, too. (If you haven't noticed, yet, most of my poetry is messing around with different artistic forms, so sorry if this gets annoying xD)

So what if you made this a bit more streamlined, messed with the spacing, and maybe modified a bit of the punctuation too?

This rising plume of smoke from our aching hearts,
while some of these buried vibes of misery are e x p e l l e d:
a fire being stoked underneath that doesn’t quite go
out.
Indeed, the venting itself is the cause –
the fodder thing that keeps that feeds the fire fed and letsting it go all grow erratic.


Again, that's just one possible alternative to illustrate what I mean. I'm definitely not trying to rewrite your poem. Also, again, this is a Shady-ism which I fully recognize xD I love playing around with adding formatting as part of the art of the poem.

~ ~ ~

This was a really nice poem overall! I think the formatting and punctuation and maybe streamlining the phrasing a bit are the only suggestions that I have! I really relate to the topic of this poem and I think it has a pretty broad base that it can appeal to. It also is chocked full of emotions and made me feel as I read, which I always consider a huge strength in poems, so well done there!

Thanks again for the request! I hope this helps!

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

Edit: I meant for that "out" to be on the far right side. Apparently YWS doesn't appreciate my formatting xD




Hkumar says...


Ahhhh Thank you so much for that amazing review <3 Your suggestions are very helpful and I loved the idea of formatting that you showed. I have seen your poems and I know how much creative you are. Thanks again for this lovely review :)



ShadowVyper says...


Glad it helped! <3



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Fri Dec 04, 2020 9:09 pm
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lillianna wrote a review...



hi there! i’m here upon request from my thread. i almost forgot about doing a review today, so luckily i looked at the request thread. let’s jump in, and i hope i can be helpful!!!

the first stanza catches the readers attention right away. your use of words and also the relatability of even just the first few lines sucked me right into this story. the imagery and metaphors are spot on. i do find some of the word a little awkward in this stanza.

next, the second stanza. this is probably my favourite one. the imagery is absolutely wonderful and so unique. it really paints a picture in the readers mind, which is exactly the goal of imagery and poetry. again, i love this one.

the third stanza starts off strong, with harsh words like “screaming” and “rambling” and this trend of harshness continues throughout the lines. while reading this, i felt it was being written about my own life, which is a great. again, relatability is key. this stanza was deep.

finally, the fourth stanza. like the third stanza, the harsh words caught my attention. the imagery, although not as creative as the second stanza, is still spot on. the flow is a little off. it seems a bit chunky and awkward, if that makes sense. but it brings a great ending the poem and wraps everything up nicely!

overall, i loved this poem. i felt you were writing about me! keep up the amazing work.

~lulon




Hkumar says...


Thank you so much for the review and your appreciation <3 :D



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Thu Dec 03, 2020 8:52 pm
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esthersanti1600 wrote a review...



I love this idea! I agree with Editorandperks, this reads like a definition poem.
I think that this could use more words and description. What you have here is really good, but I think that you could add about 30% more descriptors and details and make it more poetry-y and generally immersive. I don't think it would make it too wordy at all.




Hkumar says...


Thanks for the review <3



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Thu Nov 26, 2020 1:17 am
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EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello there! Thanks for requesting a review. ^^

To me, this reads as a definition poem, or even as an explaining/describing with examples. I think there's a lot of great things one can do with defining a term or defining a sensation. Since the title of this poem is "Co-rumination", I've already got an idea of what will be discussed/what I'll be reading about, which works just fine.

My first piece of advice is to look for repetition, and if that repetition is something you purposely want in the poem, or if it's more of a coincidence. A big part of poetry for me is specific word choice, which is often a reason I don't have many poems because I fixate on being precise and using less words, when I could use more words as well. Just as an example, in this poem, "venting", "emotional" come up twice each. I think it would be interesting to more describe these two terms in particular, rather than typing out the individual word, much like how stanza 1 goes over the act of "venting."

However, I do think there are some good lines in here. The bits about a fire/heart/fuel is interesting but I want more of this poem to be about then, to directly tie in how this kind of action could be seen/viewed by the speaker and by others. The last two stanzas describe very similar ideas/scenarios, as in "losing yourself to rants/vents" and "not being able to let go of those negative thoughts" that I think this poem would read better if these sections were combined in a way, with taking the strongest lines of each into a single one.

Such as, using "feeding our own negative feelings" to then match with mentioning of "wicked paths" and "paradox of self-pitying." There is some great potential here. A couple of notes I would say though is to not use "cripple" in such a sense of "emotional[ly] crippled" if that's the word combination you're looking for -- that word is more seen as old-fashioned now. Perhaps something like "emotionally wound shut" or even modifying that line to compare kinds of emotional vulnerability.

I hope this helped! ^^ Haven't reviewed a poem in a bit, so I might have been a bit rusty. Until next time!




Hkumar says...


Thank you so much EditorAndPerks for your review :D I agree with your suggestions and thanks for pointing out the loose ends.



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Wed Nov 25, 2020 4:54 pm
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thesaltysleuth says...



Noice!!




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BhavyaMehta123 says...



Thank you for this. You really don't know what you gave me. Thank you!!!




Hkumar says...


I'm glad that it was helpful <3



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Tue Nov 24, 2020 10:27 pm
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NastyMajesty says...



Are you stalking me? I feel personally attacked. Have you been reading my text messages?




Hkumar says...


Oh no! How did you know %uD83D%uDC40



NastyMajesty says...


XDDDDDDDD



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Tue Nov 24, 2020 8:51 pm
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MadilynReads says...



Wow! This is a fantastic poem, I have had many friends rant to me and me to them, and you are very right. I am honestly amazed with the number of talented poets in this society. Personally I cannot write emotions and rhyme without it being very forced. But this is really good! The flow and tone that produces perfectly matches your poem subject. Keep on writing!




Hkumar says...


Thanks <3




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