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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Thørn 6 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


No one seemed to notice as I rose to my feet, making as little noise as possible. There was a mere flicker of mental activity through the class and the teacher looked up, but didn’t pause in her mindless droning. I mumbled an excuse about the bathroom and moved towards the Clockwork.

When I stood before it, the Clockwork turned around and began walking down the hallway in its lurching, mechanical way.

“What are you doing?” I hissed to it. No response. I immediately felt silly. What had I expected, an answer? All Clockworks could follow voice activated commands, but it wouldn’t respond to me; I wasn’t a member of nobility. Then again, this Clockwork was doing things I’d never expected.

The Clockwork turned right into an empty conference room. I stepped in, and the door slammed, cutting off all light. I was blind, but the Clockwork wasn’t. I cursed myself, realizing what a foolish mistake I had made. What had I been thinking? It was entirely possible that the Clockwork was acting strange because of a glitch, and now, locked in a dark room, the Clockwork could see everything it normally could and I was at an extreme disadvantage. I didn’t know what it was going to do, but if it involved locking me in a dark room, I didn’t want to find out.

On a reflex, I searched for the Clockwork’s mind, but, of course, found nothing. The Clockwork didn’t have minds, they obeyed commands, that was all. I hit a chair and fell to the ground. I heard the mechanical steps move closer. I made a mad dash for the door, hoping against hope that I would reach it, but my foot slammed into an object. It could have been a box or a table leg, but I had no way of knowing.

The Clockwork’s hand covered my mouth. Its clawlike hand grasped my forehead and pain surged through my head, like its hands were red hot and searing through my skull. I tried to scream, but nothing escaped through the Clockwork’s other hand. And then darkness consumed the world.

In my pain-induced unconsciousness, I had an epiphany, or maybe a crazed delusion. Just for a second, everything was clear, and I saw how small everything was. Not just me, not just my planet, but my entire universe was small, insignificant. There were worlds beyond my own, universes I couldn’t comprehend, places so utterly alien that the things on them defied rational thought. Archora was a grain of sand in a desert that reached the ends of the world, but each grain was so complex and fantastic, each grain was a world of possibility. I saw it all. I knew it all. And then it was gone.

The world was shaking beneath me. The first thing that leapt to my mind was the tales I’d heard from near the sea. People called them ‘earthquakes,’ but I’d never experienced one. What was far more plausible, I realized was that I was inside a carriage. This theory was reinforced by the facts that I could hear the creaking of the axle and could feel the boards pressing against my face.

I groaned, opening my eyes and pulling myself into a sitting position. The carriage was more of a small, portable room. It was a six-foot-tall box with wheels, and a bench attached to the far wall.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” said a man sitting across from me. He had neat hair and clothes, with a white hourglass emblem emblazoned on his right shoulder.

“Whaddsgoanon?” I groaned. “Whairmai?”

“Sorry?”

“What’s going on? Where am I?”

“My name’s Quint.” The man extended his hand. When I didn’t take it, he pulled it back. “Can I ask you something?”

“Uhh… Sure.”

I stood up and looked out a window. Buildings rushed past outside; they were a similar build to the ones I was used to, but they were taller, newer, and better cared for.

“Have you ever felt that you’re different from everyone else?” Quint asked.

“Yes,” I said. “Hasn’t everyone?”

Quint chuckled. “Look, there’s no easy way to put this… You’re a mage.”

Oh. He knew. Which meant that I was in the cart because I was being taken away.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked, trying to keep fear from reaching my voice.

“The Eternian Academy,” he said. “You probably know it as Needlespur. We’ll be arriving in a few moments.” Quint paused. “Look, Thørn, I’m sorry it has to be this way. This is for the greater good. We need mages to help people. If there was any other way…”

“But how did I get here?” I asked. “What happened with the Clockwork?”

“Well, we had to make sure you were the one we were looking for,” Quint explained.

“You were looking for me? You ordered the Clockwork to ….You sent it to kidnap me,” I realized.

“No! No. We arranged everything with your parents.”

“You did what?”

“Your parents were informed two days ago.”

“And they agreed to this?”

“Not at first, no, but eventually they realized that all of this is in your best interests,” Quint said, endeavoring to remain diplomatic.

“Why didn’t they tell me? And how did you find me?” I was becoming frustrated with the pattern that every answer I got prompted two questions.

“We knew there was a powerful mage in the area, we just weren’t sure who it was.”

That only answered about half of my questions, but there were other things to worry about. “You train mages?” Mages weren’t really a part of society; we were kept separate by the fact that we were almost entirely noble. Most mages were given status in exchange for their services. I didn’t know much about us and had definitely never heard of a mage school. “Why haven’t I heard about this?”

“Very few people have,” Quint explained. “The King, his inner circle, and only a few others know about us.”

“Why?”

Quint sighed. “I think that’s for another time.”

I arched an eyebrow and stretched my consciousness towards Quint’s…. and hit a wall. I hadn’t heard his thoughts earlier, but I hadn’t been trying. Now, even when I was trying to, I couldn’t.

He sighed, looking honestly disappointed. “Thørn Feltrix,” he said. “Do you really think that the Academy would have been foolish enough to send someone to bring back a telepath who couldn’t make a halfway decent mind block?”

I said nothing. All my life, things had come easily to me, but now there was a secret that I couldn’t find out with ease. I had been tossed into the deep, and I had no idea how to find land.


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 9:47 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



I should probably go to bed but I'm in bed at least so that's close enough!

Specifics

1. At the end of the last Thorn chapter the teacher was staring at the clockwork as well I thought? Or at least I'm sure I remember she stopped talking or something which was what made Thorn look up. Something to double check!

2. It seems odd she would search for the clockwork minds if she knows they don't have them already - that would be like searching for a table's mind.

3.

The Clockwork’s hand covered my mouth. It’s clawlike hand grasped my forehead and pain surged through my head, like it’s its hands were red hot and searing through my skull. I tried to scream, but nothing escaped through the Clockwork’s other hand. And then darkness consumed the world.


Generally its is the exception to the possession rule - we only use an apostrophe for its when we're combining two words so it is or it has.

4.
All Archora really was was a grain of sand in a desert that reached the ends of the world, but each grain was so complex and fantastic, each grain was a world of possibility. I saw it all. I knew it all. And then it was gone.


5.
I stood up and looked out a window. Buildings rushed past outside; they were a similar build to the ones I was used to, but they were taller, newer, and better cared for.
Carriages aren't generally big enough to stand up in - they're made for sitting. It also seems odd to go straight from lying down to standing, without sitting up in between.

6.
That only answered about half of my questions, but there were other things to worry about.


Overall

It's nice to see Thorn run into someone whose mind she can't read, though I'd have liked to see you have her realise even more just how useful her power really was before since the last impression we were given was that she didn't like it and took to the rooftop to escape hearing people's thoughts.

The conversation between Thorn and the mage didn't feel very mature somehow - I think maybe it's because the mage seemed more evasive/ un-reassuring than an adult should be in that situation. He has pretty much kidnapped the girl and told her he's taking her away from her parents and he isn't handling it gently which seems odd if this is his job.

The plot progresses nicely in this chapter and there's a good sense of action but a little more sensory description would be good.

~Heather




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 9:36 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Feltrix,
MJ stopping by for a nice quick review. I'm back on my reviewing marathon, with only 5 more reviews till my next star. Let's get right into it then:

Out of all the books I've read so far, I felt like this was the one with the best descriptions. The way you spoke about the the Clockworks was really convincing and drew me into the story because I felt compelled to root against those horrible machines and for the clever protagonist, Thorn. But there were a few nitpicks I have here that will hopefully only add to the great foundation you've laid out already.

Firstly, a small grammar nitpick:

the Clockwork turned around and began walking down the hallway in it’s lurching, mechanical way.
Here, it should be its instead of it's because you're using it in a possessive form rather than a contraction of it is.

Secondly, I feel that Thorn would try some attempt of physical resistance. Since he already knew that he wouldn't be able to read the Clockwork's mind, why try? He knew that he was at a disadvantage, so why not try a physical resistance as a last resort? It couldn't hurt anything, especially since he was so convinced that the Clockwork was going to attack him. This entire section has a few too many stretches, and therefore seems a little unbelievable.

Thirdly, I have a few sections I want to dissect and challenge:
I was quickly becoming frustrated with the pattern that every answer I got was replaced by two questions.
This makes it seem as though the answers WERE questions, which is not the case. The wording of this is just a bit awkward and doesn't function that well, so I would reword this and make it clear that his questions are being answered, but the answers are leading to more questions.
we were kept almost entirely separate by the fact that we were almost entirely noble
Please elaborate. Noble as in royal-blooded? Why is this the case?

And then last but not least, the last line (the stranded-at-sea metaphor) seemed a little out of place. To make it a little more connected, I would say something like, "I was beginning to think I had been thrown in the deep end with no land in sight and no idea of how to return." or something along those lines, just to make it feel a bit more connected.

Overall, I'm really looking forward to seeing how this connects to the other stories. The way you're interweaving these separate personalities and different journeys is really impressive and I can't wait to keep reading! Keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
MJ

A good tree died so you could write. Remember that.




Feltrix says...


Tell that to Stephen King.



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Sun Apr 23, 2017 5:47 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a review. c: I haven't read previous chapters, just jumping in, so I'll keep an open mind about what's happening and not delve too much into parts that I don't understand! ^_^

I really liked the whole Clockwork-people-robot-creatures. When you first mentioned them in here I imagined a for-legged, crudely resembled, rectangular invention with gears and bolts all golden and shining for all to see. But as I read on it seems more like they resemble a human figure? I'm sure you already described them earlier on, I'm just curious myself. c:

I searched for the Clockwork’s mind, but, of course, found nothing. The Clockwork didn’t have minds, they obeyed commands, that was all.


I found it a little strange that Thorn would try to read it's mind knowing that it didn't have a mind. I guess force of habit?

Quint said, endeavoring to remain diplomatic.


This bit sounded a bit awkward to me. Maybe it's because I don't personally use the word "endeavor" in that way, but it just seemed more than necessary. I think in cases of things like dialogue tags and the little add-ons to dialogue tags- simple is best. But that's just my feelings.

“Thørn Feltrix,” he said. “Do you really think that the Academy would have been foolish enough to send someone to bring back a telepath who couldn’t make a halfway decent mind block?”


I liked this line; it's amusing and endearing and reminds me of Gandalf. C:

Something I noticed when Thorn and the person kidnapping her/him/them were conversing were there seemed to be a lot of questions that almost seemed needlessly unanswered. Some of the questions seemed very reasonable and simple to answer (e.g why is this a secret? could have been answered with something as simple as "because if the public knew, it would put the mages in danger." ) but he just brushed them aside, like he wasn't prepared for this person to wake up with a million questions.

If you want some things to remain a mystery, than you could formulate the answers in a way that make us suspicious about them as well, or don't quite tell the whole story, though not in an overly obvious way. Characters don't have to be truthful, which is kinda fun. An example for answering the question but not really going into detail could be (when answering the question about why the mage school is a secret) "To keep the mages safe." And we might think safe from what? and get all paranoid about who or what could be dangerous to mages. But that's just my thoughts. ^_^

I think you got a pretty cool novel going here, and I hope you keep it up! I might drop in to see some chapters in the future, 'cause I may want to find out more about this mage school. C: Keep it up!

-Socks




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Thu Mar 02, 2017 1:47 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, I'm here with the sixth review of your novel excerpts and I hope I'm not pestering you with my reviews!

The beginning drew me in and I like the way the story is barreling along.

Still, right here

and now, locked in a dark room, the Clockwork could see everything it normally could and I was at an extreme disadvantage.


it seems as though Thorn already knew that the Clockwork would attack. Is it because of their ability to sense people's thoughts? Because I actually don't know whether the Clockwork is an extremely smart machine or really someone who can think.

I also thought that

I felt the Clockwork’s hand covering my mouth. It’s clawlike hand grasp my forehead and pain surged through my head, like it’s hands were red hot and searing through my skull. I tried to scream, but nothing escaped through the Clockwork’s other hand. And then darkness consumed the world.


the pace was slightly off. Maybe Thorn should have tried to run from the Clockwork first, and at least make a struggle.

When Thorn ended up in a carriage, maybe they would have tried to look out the window or something like that, to get their bearings. I sometimes feel as if Thorn is too passive. It's my personal opinion that I like active MCs better.

The dialogue with Quint was a bit "bare-bones". I would have liked to seen more of Thorn's responses. But the way Quint let information leak little by little was a good way to sustain my attention.

Overall, this chapter was an interesting read like the previous ones. You seem to have a knack for beginnings and endings :). The length was good but I felt as though it was a bit "bare-bones".

Have a great day!

Princess Ink




Feltrix says...


There is no such thing as pestering with reviews!!!! I want as many as possible!!



Feltrix says...


Can you be more specific about this 'barebones' problem? I think I get what you're trying to say, but I don't know how to isolate the problem so I can fix it.



PrincessInk says...


What I mean is that you don't have enough detail for the reader to be plopped into their world. So what I would have liked for the dialogue is to have a few more dialogue tags to show how Thorn was reacting to Quint. I also thought that sometimes awkward silences would fall between the two and during that time you could show what was going on around them.



Feltrix says...


Thanks!




cron
Do. Or do not. There is no try.
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