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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Corso 1 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


There was only one thing of note in the village of Stratha; the Wall. Stratha was about average in size and population. It was circular in shape, maybe five square miles in size with a population of about two hundred fifty people. And, like all other villages, it had a Wall.

The Wall wasn’t fancy in any way. It was made of chipped, cracked, graffitied, and weathered bricks of miscellaneous substances; buying only one mineral would have been too expensive. In my village, we took what we could get. The Wall wasn’t particularly tall or thick or sturdy, but it served it’s purpose. It kept everything out.

Of course, that wasn’t entirely true. We couldn’t survive if we were completely cut off from the rest of the world, but we only admitted traders, who were celebrated when they arrived, hunters, who didn’t always come back, and messengers who were about as rare as harmless dragons.

In fact, today was the one day every month that a merchant would arrive with food and news of the outside world. I was gathered with most of the townspeople at the gate in anticipation of Hudson’s arrival at noon, but people showed up before then anyway. We waited. The sun reached it’s zenith and kept moving. After three o’clock, nervous whispers spread through the crowd. Why was Hudson late? Had something happened to him? What were we going to do without him? By four, the crowd had started to disperse many people muttering their thoughts of doom and predicted that everyone in Stratha would starve to death.

Finally, at five the gate swung open long enough for a grizzled man to enter. He was missing most of his teeth, looked like he’d skipped his annual bath, and had one eye that was a milky white. Behind him, an old mule tugged an overstuffed wagon through the portcullis. My face split into a grin. In the space of a few seconds, the entire town was buzzing with the news that Hudson had arrived, barely escaping from the clutches of a cruel warlord intent on conquering Stratha.

“Ye all better settle down or yer not gonna get food this month,” Hudson called, immediately silencing the entire village. “Yer all over reactin’. I got in a fix with some bandits is all.”

The buzz of chatter returned. This wasn’t particularly surprising, bandits were everywhere and an unarmed trader like Hudson could easily get waylaid. This was the third time this year he’d been attacked during his travels, and each time, the village got more on edge.

“I was one o’ the lucky ones,” Hudson was telling David. “Last week, three traders gone missin’. Wurms, I hear.”

Once the flurry of excitement had been quelled, I pulled Hudson aside. He squinted at me before recognition fell across his face.

“Ah, it’s young Corso,” he said. “How are things in Stratha these days?”

“Same as last time,” I replied. “What’s it like out there?” This prompted the monthly story, regaling me of Hudson’s adventures in the outside world.

Hudson’s eyes disconnected, like he was looking at something far away. “I went to the dwarves this time,” he said. “Ther city was underground. All o’ it. A city fifty times the size of Stratha under a mountain…” Hudson’s tale continued, about how he had been presented with an orb of solid gold by the dwarf king, and how it was dotted with countless tiny diamonds. He had, he said, trekked across a desert inhabited with gargantuan scorpions and wurms burrowing under the sand. He continued to say how he had escaped from under the noses of three trolls by uttering the phrase “Look behind ya!” and charging into the underbrush. These trolls, he said, had tusks as long as I was tall.

I listened in awe to the trader’s tales, and could have continued for hours if Hudson hadn’t stopped. “Best get back to me booth,” he said. “Or someone’ll swindle me.”

After this, market day continued as usual, with people excited to buy Hudson’s wares. At the end of the day, Hudson bought a room at the Sunny Inn and returned to his endless travels the next day.

What was far more important than what the wall admitted was what the wall kept out. Everything else. Alaran was a harsh, ruthless, and lawless place. There were so many things that would kill you in the outside world.

Only imbeciles ventured outside, and they seldom returned. It was possible that they found a good life there and never felt a need to return to this tiny village, but that wasn’t likely.

So life went on. Everyone woke up to do their various crafts; bookbinding, shoemaking, weaving, selling rare or magical items. Business was never good. In a village of two hundred fifty, everyone knew everyone else and had already bought all the furniture, books, silverware, and shelves they would need for the rest of their lives by the age of eighteen. The only profitable job was selling food and food came in monthly deliveries like clockwork. No one sold it, at least, no one from Stratha. After nightfall, everyone retreated to their thatch-roofed houses, hoping that nothing with wings and teeth sucked their blood.

I had lived in the village ever since I was born, so I knew everyone’s name, job, where they lived and who they were married to. Nothing changed. The biggest excitement the village had had for months was when Bellamy’s chicken was born with three legs, and it had died within the day. Everything was so repetitive. Nothing changed, nothing happened, and no one seemed to mind. No one ever thought about what was outside the wall. No one but me. I knew that was insane, of course, but that fact never seemed to crush my desire to see what was outside.

“Corso, we have to go,” Estra called, jerking me out of my thoughts. “I have to be at the Wall in twenty minutes and it’ll take us ten minutes to get back to the house.”

My sister tried to act like a nagging parent, but I could see she was buzzing with excitement. She was eighteen, four years older than me (gods forbid I should forget), and had joined the Nightshroud two weeks ago. In so many ways she was responsible for me, but even after the fifth time she’d gone out to the Wall, she was brimming with excitement.

I rolled my eyes. “You do realize that I can function in public without you, right?”

Estra gave me a look of mock distress. “And come back to see the village in ruins? I think not!”

“I’m fourteen,” I said, stressing the number. “I won’t accidentally destroy the village.”

“Of course you wouldn’t,” she agreed. She was laying it on thick. “You’d do it on purpose.” We laughed or, more accurately, Estra laughed while I tried not to smile. Estra’s exuberance was infectious and I was finding it hard not to join in with her laughter. “But we really should go,” she said after her giggles had subsided. “It’s getting dark and you’ll want to be inside anyway.

I shot Estra a withering look, knowing she was too stubborn to let me do anything else.

“Fine,” I grimly acquiesced. “Let’s go.” We began the short jog back to the house.

A few minutes later, my mother, Estra, and I stood outside our hut. Estra was dressed in the snug grey uniform of the night guard, her hair in a braid down her back. There was no emblem or symbol signifying any allegiance, and it looked to me like the grey color was from being used too many times without a wash. The uniform was patched, too small, and probably older than our house. Estra was unarmed and without armor, she’d pick up a breastplate and crossbow when she reached the wall. Estra didn’t look like one of the Nightshroud, she looked like my sister wearing a costume. Still, a wide smile was lighting up her face.

“How do I look?” she asked, excitement brimming in her voice.

“You’re all professional and grown up!” my mother said, standing on her toes to plant a kiss on Estra’s cheek.

“Mom!” she complained. “You’re smothering me!” I could tell she didn’t mind.

“You look like you could use a bath this month,” I teased, to which my mother pursed her lips and Estra playfully batted at my head.

“I’ll be back before midnight!” she called as she began to make her way towards the Wall. “Save some dinner for me.”

I waved one last time before turning to come inside. Before I entered the hut, though, I had a strange feeling of being watched. It’s nothing, I thought. No need to turn around. I turned around. For a few moments, I frantically scanned the surroundings, probing every shadow. No one was there. Of course no one was their. I was being crazy. I turned around again and thought I heard a swish of fabric as though someone had quickly scuttled past me, but I bolted inside before I could think anything of it.


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 5:57 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, Feltrix! I apologize in advance if my review isn't helpful. I've been trying to settle on a reviewing format that I love, but I'm still not sure what works for me and what doesn't. If this review isn't helpful, please let me know.

Grammar and Syntax

The Wall wasn’t particularly tall or thick or sturdy, but it served it’s purpose.


it's should be its.

In fact, today was the one day every month that a merchant would arrive with food and news of the outside world.


"today was the one day every month" is awkward to read. Maybe you could try rephrasing this sentence so it flows better?

This wasn’t particularly surprising, bandits were everywhere and an unarmed trader like Hudson could easily get waylaid.


There should be a period, semi-colon or hyphen instead of a comma after "surprising".

“It’s getting dark and you’ll want to be inside anyway.


There should be a quotation mark after the period following "anyway".

Estra didn’t look like one of the Nightshroud, she looked like my sister wearing a costume.


There should also be a period, semi-colon or hyphen after "Nightstroud" instead of a comma.

Characters

One of my favorite things about this book so far is the distinct voice your narrator has. I don't know how Corso's voice is going to compare to the other narrators in future chapters, but right now it has personality. That distinct voice is part of what made me love the chapter.

Plot

Another thing that I loved about this chapter is your setup for the rest of the story. It reminds me of a book that I loved when I was younger, though I can't remember the name of it. You manage to introduce a lot in this first chapter, and I see foreshadowing for Corso possibly going outside the wall. If that's the direction you're bringing this story in, you're doing a wonderful job with it already!

I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh. Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors!

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Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:32 am
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Feltrix,

MJ continuing on with my string of reviews for Review Day. For this one, I have a lot of general notes and a few specifics, and I want to crank out as many reviews as possible for Team April! So without further ado, here I go:

I did enjoy how you paid so much attention to a seemingly unimportant characteristic but proved why it was indeed essential: the wall. That discussion also segued nicely into the dangers of the outside world, which was important to describe and that was a good way to bring it in. Showing the scene with the trader also drove home really how much the town relied on outside sources for their resources. But there were a few things I would suggest correcting.

Firstly, as my first and only nitpick of the story, I think it should be a colon after Stratha in the first line of the first paragraph. It has a better flow and connects those two ideas better than a period.

Secondly, be sure not to overdo it with the adjectives. Generally, only two are necessary and more than that can become boring to read. Occasionally three could be fitting, but generally two work week because the first establishes the general idea and the second narrows that idea down to the basic concept the author wants to express it.

Thirdly, what happened to Hudson? You kinda dropped him halfway through the story and never gave an explanation for what happened to him. There was no clear indication of a plot progression, but he is simply not mentioned. It was almost as though you switched the story, beginning with a first-person POV and a long passage about a wall and a merchant, but then transition to a more specific scene with a family. That section should be polished up and explained a little better.

Fourthly, you really screwed around with the time concept. First it was a real-time (at least, almost) greeting of Hudson, but then you zoomed out into an arbitrary 'Life went on' and back info a conversation. That was a little disorienting and could possibly have been executed smoother.

Overall, you seemed to have two almost disjunct ideas and smushed them together. If you want to continue this as one work, I would make that transition a little smoother and more fluent. There was a foundation laid out here, but it was so specific it revealed little about the characters and only discussed the setting and the world that's being discussed. But good job, and you can probably count on one more review from me for tonight and then some more tomorrow.

Best wishes,
MJ




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Sat Apr 29, 2017 10:23 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! I'm back to review the next chapter :) I'm on a train for the next two hours so you'll either get this really late because the internet gives out or you may get a couple more if the internet holds :)

Specifics

1. I think it should be a colon after Stratha as that gives the same level of pause/ dramatics but flows a little more smoothly.

2. I think you need to specify in the second sentence that 'It' is the village as I thought it was the wall since the sentence comes right after that. I also think you could combine it with the next sentence so you're less repetitive. So 'The village was circular in shape, maybe five square miles in size and with an average population - no more than two hundred and fifty people.'

3. If all the villages have a wall then why is they wall the only thing of note about the village? Surely if they all have one then it's not noteworthy to these people?

4.

Of course, that wasn’t entirely true. We couldn’t survive if we were completely cut off from the rest of the world, but we only admitted traders, which who were celebrated when they arrived, hunters, who didn’t always come back, and messengers who were about as rare as harmless dragons.


5.
In fact, today was the one day every month that a merchant would arrive with food and news of the outside world. I was gathered with most of the townspeople at the gate in anticipation of Hudson’s arrival. He never arrived before noon, but people showed up before then anyway.
Again this is repetitive - all three sentences talk about him arriving so try to combine at least two or it makes for very slow and clunky story telling. Maybe something like:

In fact, today was the day or merchant Hudson's monthly visit and I was as eager for his news of the outside world as I was for the food he would bring. I stood with most of the townspeople as close to the gate as we could crush, even though he never arrived before noon.

6.
By four, the crowd had started to disperse; many people muttering their thoughts of doom and Stratha starving to death bitter declarations that Stratha would starve to death
.

7. If he's travelling alone and unarmed how is he bringing enough food for all the village? Does he have a horse? Maybe you'll be answering these questions later but it feels like this is information we should be supplied with on his arrival - that he has a donkey laid heavily with supplies or a small group of others travelling with him to carry things. Or even that he has a wagon of some kind? When the gates opened you described only a man entering and that seems odd.

8. The description of what bad things are out there is a little long and definitely an info dump. It's not entirely uninteresting but this feels like the wrong place for it - Hudson has arrived in the village and you ere building up to him bringing news. Try to avoid putting the story on hold so early in the tale when we're really less interested in your world and more keen to be given a foothold - normally this comes in the form of characters/ immediate action. World building can come later. A paragraph or two here and there is fine in chapter one but it's better to slide small details in to dialogue or observations connected to action.

Overall

I like the concept of the wall and the village seems like it will make for a strong setting but I think you spend too much of this chapter telling us about what's outside the village instead of introducing the characters and action. I think we need to see a conversation with Corso and the merchant or maybe him and some of the other people at the gates. I'd like to see how he is around them - does he keep this interest in the outside world to himself or is he loud and open about it? If he's excited about the outside world, he should be rushing to ask the merchant for a story while everyone else is trying to barter with him for food.

Showing things like that would really make this chapter come to life.

See you at the next chapter!

~Heather




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Fri Apr 21, 2017 3:21 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hi Feltrix! Lauren here for a review ^^

I noticed later chapters of this hanging out in the green room, but rather than tackle them blindly I decided I'd swing back to the beginning and catch up. It might take me a hot second to get to the chapters without reviews, but after this chapter I'm already super excited to keep reading!

You clearly have a well thought out world you're working with, which makes reading a fantasy story all the more enjoyable! I love all the details we get about the world inside and outside of this village. It feels a bit Game of Thrones-y at times, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing! It also could be because I'm currently reading Game of Thrones that I feel that way xD

There are two main things I want to point out about this chapter: Corso and scene.

Corso
For the perspective character of this chapter (it looks like this will be a multi-perspective novel! neat!) we don't get a whole lot of Corso. The first person narrative gives us the perfect chance to view the world filtered through Corso's eyes, which is a unique and specific experience that no other character can give us. Right now, what we learn could have been told to us by any other character, which is usually the sign of something that can be worked on. The best part of a multi-perspective novel is that we can get multiple differing and even conflicting views of the world, building a really dynamic and complex space for storytelling. So make sure we feel ourselves inside Corso's mind, seeing the world from Corso's eyes. It'll make what is already good about this chapter even better.

Scene
I should probably have called this "arc" but it's still relevant. The thing I found most lacking from this chapter was a clear movement between beginning middle and end. The pieces are there already, which is a great start, but I don't feel a clear movement between them or an elevation of stakes. Every scene (some even say every paragraph) should tell us something new about a character or the plot (sometimes called a "revelation"). Try to refocus each scene in this chapter by giving us something new about Corso and his desire/conflict or about the plot.

Speaking of plot, I don't have a clear sense of what the main problem or conflict of the story is yet. It doesn't have to be super clear, and it doesn't even have to be the biggest problem or conflict of the story (these often change and develop as a story goes along!) but there's not much here to drive us into the next chapter yet. BUT it looks like you have a perfect opportunity with the trader who comes in and is the only view they have of the outside world. Perhaps he can bring more ominous news that there is a specific and immediate threat coming for the village? Probably, you already have a main conflict in mind and I'll discover it as I read, but think about ways you can better embed the beginnings of that conflict into this first chapter.

All in all, this was such a fun read! I'm excited to keep reading more, and help clear some of these later chapters out of the green room. ;)

Keep writing!

--Lauren




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Sun Apr 09, 2017 1:18 am
Sparkawan wrote a review...



Hey Feltrix! I really enjoyed reading this, (Yes! I am reading this!) and this is a good start to the beginning of a fairly long story. I really enjoy the characters and how alive they feel, not just like empty shells of humans, but actual people. One problem though, is that when I look to go to the next chapter or part on the left side of my screen, the order is all jumbled up. I'm not sure if there is a way to fix this or not, but if there is, I definitely recommend it. I say this because when I originally went to start this, I read chapter two first. How awful of me.




Sparkawan says...


This is supposed to be the first chapter, right?



Feltrix says...


Okay, there's actually a prologue, but the I haven't written the part where the events of the prologue tie in yet, so don't worry about that. As to why they're jumbled, um, I really don't know why that is, but the order is written on them. And the chapters are on the right side of your screen.



Feltrix says...


Presto! Fixed the order. The most recently edited thing goes on the bottom, so when I tweaked things, it threw the order off.



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Thu Feb 16, 2017 9:04 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Hi Feltrix, and welcome to YWS! This is a very fun world & story you've got her, and likable characters. I peeked at your wall and must confess I'm dying to see how the multiverse mishaps come into play. I was just about to ask if this is a prologue, because it quite reads like one until near the end, when I noticed I managed to miss your actual prologue. I'll go review that one next, and you can consider this one as a good indicator for all the prologue-skippers out there :) (They say to just assume your audience has skipped the prologue when you start chapter 1; if that ruins the story, then your prologue is actually your chapter 1).

So I think my main comment can be boiled down to: show, don't tell.

Before I go into that, minor things. Firstly, the Night Watch is the name of the guards on the Wall in SOIAF, as well as the name of a significant group in Babylon 5 for one of its seasons. It's a nice self-explanatory name, but I think you'd be better off coming up with something more unique.

Additionally, this scene reads more like Alsari's story. Our protagonist doesn't actually do anything or change or really have anything interesting going on; Alsari is the one with the life-changing event of going off to the wall for the first time. I'd recommend considering a different opening. Whether that means start at the life-changing moment for *Corso,* or switching the POV to Alsari, I think either would work. Whatever you choose, the POVC ought to be doing something. Facing a challenge or a conflict, whether internal or external.

So, onto that show vs tell stuff. The reason I thought this might be a prologue is that most of the chapter is an infodump where you describe all about the village and the world. When I write this sort of thing, I usually stop myself, cut & paste it into a "notes" document, and use it for reference. All these things that you tell us about are just that--told to us. We're not seeing/feeling/experiencing any of it, so it's like having everything described many years later, as opposed to living and breathing the story along with the characters. Let's look at some examples of things that could be shown instead of told...

We couldn’t survive if we were completely cut off from the rest of the world, but we only admitted traders, which were celebrated when they arrived, hunters, who didn’t always come back, and messengers who were about as rare as harmless dragons.

...

There were so many things that would kill you outside the Wall. Any number of bandits would happily slaughter a traveler for the money in their pocket.

...

There were also more mysterious and primal forces to worry about. There were stories of elementals, primordial creatures of the wind or the sand. To the east, there were tales of dwarves in the mountains and wurms beneath them.


Instead of giving the reader a warning, how about *showing* us how dangerous it is? You could have a trader arriving at the gates (and therefore we get to see that traders are one of the few things allowed in), maybe fleeing some bandits or having just survived an attack (so that we see how dangerous it is out of there. That traveler could then comment to someone else about the sand elementals they had to get by, or how the wurms were acting up in the mountain pass so they were slow or had to go around.

Everyone woke up to do their various crafts; bookbinding, shoemaking, weaving, selling magical items. Business was never good. In a village of two hundred fifty, everyone knew everyone else and had already bought all the furniture, books, silverware, and shelves they would need for the rest of their lives by the age of eighteen.


For this sort of thing, you can show people doing it. Have the MC walk down a street past the bookbinders or shoemakers. Maybe buy some cloth for sewing, and chat up the vendor because they all know each other so well. On her way home, she can greet passersby on the street, and as Mrs Johnson about her litter of puppies or Mr Thomas about the magical staff he's been carving for the past two weeks.

Look for specificity. Details are going to bring a village far more alive than broad strokes. Details are what gives character to the setting and makes it unique to all the other stories. Also, turning these infodumps into scenes with action in them (even if it's just walking down a street and observing something, as opposed to telling the reader about it like in a textbook) will make the pacing feel more alive and engaging, and give room for you to expand your characterization.

Good luck and happy writing!




Feltrix says...


I don't want to make Alsari a narrator because in the long run, she isn't very important. For the rest of the show/tell....that's actually very helpful! Thanks!



Feltrix says...


Honestly, I don't watch Babylon 5 and I don't even know what SOIAF stands for, but I should probably change the name of the Night Watch anyway.



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Thu Feb 16, 2017 2:55 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello, this is Princess Ink with a review :)

The first thing I noticed is that you dumped a lot of information about Alaran's dangers in the fifth and sixth paragraph. I think you could cut down some of them; my guess is that your purpose here is to show how dangerous the outside of the Wall is, so you don't need that much description, at least right now.

You did pretty well in showing how mundane life in the Wall was, but again, maybe there was too much information there. It might be a good thing to name the village, too.

I think Corso was a likable MC, and I really liked the scene between her and Altari. However, there was one part I didn't really understand:

Alsari gave me a look of mock distress. “And come back to see the village in ruins? I think not!”

“I’m fourteen,” I said, stressing the number. “I won’t accidentally destroy the village.”

“I never said it would be an accident. Anyway, it’s almost dark and you’ll be wanting to be inside anyway.”


What I don't understand is why Alsari said that. Was there some incident when Corso did something "destructive"? Or did Corso every try to discuss about outside the Wall?

You ended your excerpt with a suspenseful detail, but I felt like it was slightly cliche. Maybe it could be improved slightly.

Overall, it was enjoyable to read and I'm quite interested to know what would happen next. But like I said before, there was too much worldbuilding information in the first few paragraphs and I believe it would be better if it was spread throughout your novel.

Have a great day! Princess Ink




Feltrix says...


Thanks for the review! There was no actual village destroying, that was just 2 siblings teasing each other. I can come up with something else if that's confusing.




NO U
— Carina