Ascension: Corso 5 (The Myriad book 1)

Something was wrong in Stratha, but no one knew what. No one even acknowledged that it was there. Nothing out of the ordinary at first glance. The sun shone on the thatched roofs, younger children played barefoot in the street, the Nightshroud patrolled endlessly on the Wall. Nevertheless, something was wrong. The sun had a new harsh, blinding glare to it; people were outside less and less, and when they were, there seemed to be a new anxiety to their movements like a mouse scampering across a stretch of open space. None of these changes were dramatic, but everything in the village followed a routine and the pattern had been broken.

Estra was withering, so were the rest of the Nightshroud. Their faces had become gray and ashen, and they were patrolling the wall with a new sense of urgency. Estra barely spent time at home anymore, and, worst of all, my mother barely seemed to acknowledge it.

That was two days ago, just after Hudson had arrived. Now things were much worse. My mother had moved a chair from the table to face a window. She sat hunched over, staring endlessly through the blank pane. At first I thought this was some new way of waiting for Estra to come home, my mother had always been worried for Estra’s safety after she joined the Nightshroud, but even when she returned home, my mother kept staring.

“Why are you sitting there?” I asked.

“I’m waiting,” she mumbled, without even glancing at me.

“Waiting for what?”

At this, my mother turned to me, her expression incredulous. “You don’t know?” she scornfully replied. That was wrong. She was never scornful, not ever. “I’m waiting for him. I’m waiting for Eternity.”

What is she talking about? I thought, but instead of saying that, I nodded like I understood and wandered out the door. I leaned against the wall for support. What’s happening? To my village, my friends… my family.

No one was outside. I rushed out the door, crossing the street. I burst into my neighbor’s house. “Hello?” I called. Silence. There was only one person in the room, David, he sat at the kitchen table holding a pencil and desperately scrawling something on a piece of paper.

“David?” I asked. “What are you doing? You can’t wri….” I trailed off as I saw what was on the parchment. There was a very detailed sketch of an emblem etched onto the paper, depicting a twisting vortex. It was circular, with two tendrils twisting towards a solid black circle at the center. David didn’t seem to notice I was there.

I dashed into the other room and saw his wife, Susan, propped up against a wall, bouncing a ball from one wall to another before it returned to her hand. Unlike David, she looked up at me and giggled. “Hello, Corso,” she greeted me, her arm still moving in the motion of throwing the ball, heedless of the fact that it had rolled away. “Ooh, that rhymes!” She giggled some more.

I slammed the door, my heart beating fast. What is happening? I thought. I had no idea what to do. I dashed out of the house, trying to avoid looking at David.

I looked down the empty streets; I’d never felt so alone. I’d never seen the streets so empty, for that matter. I couldn’t go home. I didn’t want to see my family in that...state. I didn’t want to know if they’d changed for the worse. But I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was getting dark and I’d have to go inside soon.

I began to wander to the edge of town, which only took about twenty minutes, where I arrived at the abandoned barn. Many years ago, it had housed animals, but they had long since been slaughtered. The only thing that kept it from being leveled and used for firewood was that it would occasionally serve as a storehouse and that all the young children loved to play there. I decided it was the best place in Stratha for me to sleep as it was the only uninhabited one.

I curled up in a corner as the last rays of the sun disappeared, hoping that, against all odds, tomorrow would bring better things.

The next day, I decided to check the state of the rest of the villagers. I stepped out of the barn and into the deserted streets.

“Hello, Corso,” someone behind me drawled. I recognized the voice, but couldn’t quite place from where.

I reluctantly turned around and saw a figure dressed in a red cloak. I could barely see his face, only that he was giving me a knowing grin. “Who are you?”

He frowned. “Oh, well, let’s see…. Ah. Yes. I’m the Harbinger. I like that one, I think I’ll keep it.”

“You don’t know your name?” I asked.

“Well, it’s….complicated.”

“How? And how do you know my name?”

The Harbinger’s knowing grin returned. “I know everything about you, Corso Ghostfire. We’re very much alike, you and I.” His grin widened; he seemed to find that funny.

Ghostfire? I thought. “You didn’t answer my first question,” I observed.

“So I didn’t. But there is a more immediately pressing question you should be asking me.”

“And what’s that?”

“What happened here? I’m sure you’ve already asked yourself that, but unlike you, I might answer.”

My eyes narrowed. “You know something?”

“I know what caused the madness, yes.”

“What is it? Why is it happening? How can it be stopped?” I asked, desperate for any piece of information I could find.

“Sadly, I’m going to withhold all but one of those answers,” the Harbinger replied, not sounding at all remorseful.

“You-”

“Ah, before you say anything rash, I’d like to remind you that I’m willing to answer one of those questions,” he drawled. “Unless, of course, you want me to reduce that number.”

I gritted my teeth. “Fine. What’s your answer?”

The Harbinger stepped closer, so that he was almost whispering in my ear. “You want to stop the madness? Leave the village. Find the elves, find Taanyth and Laryn.”

“And then?” I growled.

“That’s it! The madness will leave with you,” he said. “Why do you think it hasn’t affected you? You’re the eye of the maelstrom. You leave, the madness goes, too.”

“Why would it follow me?” I said.

The Harbinger ignored the question. “Of course, you could also stay here. See what happens. I’m quite fascinated by the stages of insanity,” he replied, looking cheerful. “But if not, go find Laryn and Taanyth. They’re about….that way.”

I turned to look. “But I can’t go out there! That’s outside the Wall….” I turned around and the Harbinger was gone.

Comments & reviews · 5
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Lauren2010
Review

Hello again!

I'm so excited to circle back around and see how each character is continuing to advance through their stories. And man, Corso has a bunch happen to him in this chapter!

The biggest thing I noticed here was pacing -- this chapter just FLIES by and so much happens that I don't feel like I'm able to fully react to one thing before the next thing happens. First, Corso's mother is acting odd, then immediately the entire town has gone batty, and then almost immediately after that (I know he sleeps, but it's only a few sentences that it feels much faster) the Harbinger shows up and gives Corso a quest. This is a lot of ground to cover in such a short chapter.

So my biggest suggestion is to slow down. Make Corso's discovery of the town's madness unfold slower, so that we get this sinking feeling that everything has gone wrong along with Corso. It might also be interesting to spread this out over several days. Make it little things at first, like Corso's mother, and then gradually get worse until only Corso is left functioning. There ought to be some sort of desperation in Corso for things to go back to the way they were BEFORE the Harbinger shows up (or else, why should Corso listen to the stranger? It's not even been a full day, how does Corso know it won't just fix itself).

Thinking back to Corso's first chapter, I wonder if it would help if his realization that things are starting to go wrong (his mother, maybe the neighbors) should happen at the end of the first chapter. Every other character has some big inciting incident at the end of their first chapter, but Corso doesn't (he just sees a shadow and feels like he's being watched). Then, when you get back to this Corso chapter, you come in after several days have passed and Corso is scared and desperate (and has maybe tried to fix things on his own once or twice). So when the Harbinger arrives, even though it's sketchy and there is a clear danger, we are rooting for Corso to go out after these elves and save his village.

That's, of course, just one idea! The plot events are so interesting, it would be a shame not to give each of them their due by speeding through things like this. You're already working with really short chapters, you definitely have a little room to expand!

Otherwise, another exciting read! Keep writing!

--Lauren

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Sun Apr 30, 2017 7:57 pm

Yay, we're back to Corso!

Specifics

1.

I looked down the empty streets; I’d never felt so alone. I’d never seen the streets so empty, for that matter. I couldn’t go home, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go. It was getting dark and I’d have to go inside soon.
I think it would be nice if you expanded more on why Corso feels he couldn't go home since he physically could. Is it because he's scared to watch his family acting strange? Is he scared he might start acting that way too?

2. I feel maybe Corso should be more suspicious of the stranger since strangers hardly ever come to their small village. My first instinct if bad things were happening and then an unknown person turned up would be to think they were involved and to be angry with them. I feel like Corso is perhaps a bit too calm in general and not desperate enough to check his family are okay/ to get to the bottom of the craziness.

Overall

The exchange between Corso and the Harbinger at the end is good and I definitely think this chapter and the last one could be switched around as this one gives a stronger sense of plot advancement and returns to a character we've already met once. It could perhaps even come before the one before that as well.

It would be nice to know a little more about his neighbors - are they a married couple or sister and brother? The detail that David can't write was a nice one but a few more lines of description would help to pad it out and to continue the world building of the small village life.

This chapter flowed well so I've not much to say here!

~Heather

User avatar
Atticus
Review
Atticus wrote a review · Sun Apr 30, 2017 6:07 pm

Hey there Feltrix,
I'm still on that marathon review! This will probably be my last review for now, and I'll probably be back later to give you some more reviews! With all that said, let's jump right into it:

Overall, I enjoyed this continuation of the story. Bringing in the Harbinger helped to tie it to Nyx, which will definitely advance the plot. In this section, there was a lot of plot movement, which is good since attacking writers' perfectly planned and almost flawlessly executed plots is my specialty! So then, shall we begin?

First off, my grammar nitpick:

The sun had a new harsh, blinding glare to it, people were outside less and less, and when they were, there seemed to be a new anxiety to their movements like a mouse scampering across a stretch of open space.
Here, I would put a semicolon after 'blinding glare to it'. That seems to show more connection between the brightness of the sun and the lack of outside activity.

Secondly, I would add in a section where Corso expresses that he is worried about his mother's sanity. It's implied here, but it would be more obvious if it was simply stated or, better yet, shown by something he did that shows a concern for her mental state. That will make it clear to the reader that Corso has a lot he is still dealing with, especially in his close family.

Thirdly, I feel like a bit more description of both David and his drawing would be necessary. It's implied that he's very young, but that's never really stated. It would also be helpful if you said something more about why his drawing was so shocking, because although a young child drawing something so impressive would be surprising, something a bit more than that would justify Corso's reaction.

But overall, good job here. This chapter, IMO, had the best balance between a plot progression but also revealing a lot about the character's personality. Be sure to keep all of the character's personalities separate, just because that's one of the strongest points of your story and muddling that would be a huge turnoff from your series. You've done a good job of that so far, I just wanted to add that extra caution as you continue writing.

Great job and best wishes,
MJ

User avatar
Brigadier
Review

Hey there Feltrix and a sort of late welcome to YWS. I noticed your chapters stirring in the back of the green room and decided to stop by, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I'm going to try and keep this review down to ten minutes because you already have one fantastic review on this and neither one of us needs to here my rambling. The timer is starting now.

I haven't read any of the previous chapters so I'm just going to try and play a bit of catch up with this whole thing. In the description box on the main page, it sounds like you have written several books about this story and this is the very beginning of the path. Hopefully not too much has happened in five chapters. I do like the way it opens up because I'm not completely lost. Sometimes chapters end and beginning at important moments, so gate crasher reviewers have to run back a few pages to find out what is going on. But this one doesn't, something surprising and also intriguing to me. I'm sure the town has been mentioned before but the tranquil descriptions of something being terribly wrong in the town caught my attention.

Estra was withering, so were the rest of the Nightshroud. Their faces had become ashen and they were patrolling the wall with a new sense of urgency. Estra barely spent time at home anymore, and, worst of all, my mother barely seemed to acknowledge it.

The Nightshroud definitely sounds like some sort of secret cult or order that is protecting the town in some sort of way. I understand that they must have some sort of larger role in your story and Estra sounds like a main character. And the comment about the mother sounds like the main character, whose perspective everything is being told through, is her/his sibling.

The scene in the house with the other children (guessing his family but not sure and also guessing kids but not sure) was something out of the Shining. At least that's the way it appealed to me with the kids bouncing the balls in unusual fashions and some other guy writing and the mother pulling a chair up against the window. It all had an eery horror movie flick style feel to it which definitely caught my attention for a bit more of the chapter. And then your mc, whose name I have finally learned, just sped out of the house only to fall into more things.

So the one main thing I like about this chapter is the trail of sort of doom and creepiness that it follows. It opens up to a character talking about how wrong everything in the city has gone and then shows some examples. It just leads the readers through each pitfall and each hope before dropping them again. I like this sort of writing and I would go on further but my time here is up.
Happy Review Day.
Lizz
The Queen of the Book Clubs

User avatar
PrincessInk
Review

Hello, Feltrix, I'll review your fifth chapter :)

The chapter opened nicely, and I believe it was the most well-written chapter among the five chapters.

The first time I encountered David was here, when he was sketching some emblem. I thought it might be a good idea to introduce David earlier as a normal man, so that the contrast is obvious. And I wasn't sure whether Susan had become insane, too, because she could be very, very young.

Personally, "madness" here doesn't exactly match for me. You don't have to change it, but I prefer to call it "under a spell" instead. And I also thought that little drawings or carvings of the emblems scattered around the town would have a more spooky effect.

The Harbinger ignored the question. “Of course, you could also stay here. See what happens. I’m quite fascinated by the stages of insanity,” he replied, looking cheerful. “But if not, go find Laryn and Taanyth. They’re about….that way.”


Maybe he should have pointed in some direction?

I turned to look. “But I can’t go out there! That’s outside the Wall….” I turned around and the Harbinger was gone.


You used "I turned" twice.

But other than that, I thought, like I said before, that your chapter was well-crafted and began and ended pretty well.

Have a great day!

Princess Ink

The reason I didn't make the insanity/spell more extreme yet is because I was afraid that would be jumping through stages too quickly and I want to continue expanding on it. I'm glad you liked it! I was afraid this would be the LEAST well written chapter!



Oh, I'm sorry. My friends are in the popcorn and I have to save them.
— Tori Hansen, Power Rangers Ninja Storm