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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Thørn 22 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


When Alsari and I entered the room, Quint was already there. The walls were made of large, granite bricks and held torches like the rest of the Eternian Academy, but these walls were in much worse condition. The bricks were cracked, scorched, chipped, missing, or twisted out of their original shape. Weapon racks were propped against them. Swords, spears, axes, maces, bows, and shields cluttered the room.

Quint stood with his back to the door, dressed in a dark, loose fitting robe. He turned around and smiled. “You’re here!” he said. “Good. We have a lot to do.”

I grinned with anticipation. I’d decided to abandon my restraint about practicing magic. I’d already been taken by the Eternian Academy, what else could happen?

“For the remainder of your time in the Academy, you two will work together,” Quint said. “So you’re going to be trained together as well. As you both sport a variety of very different talents, your education may be... unconventional.”

“Unconventional in what way?” Alsari asked, eyes narrowed.

“There’s a vast gap between your experience and Thørn’s,” Quint said. “So you’ll often encounter obstacles that ask you to find counterintuitive solutions or challenge you in unusual ways.

“In a few moments, Thørn, you will be presented with a riddle. You will have to answer it as quickly as possible by any means necessary.”

“That’s it?” I asked. “What does Alsari do?”

Quint gave me a knowing smile. “Good luck.”

He walked through the door, which slammed shut behind him. The noise faded from the room until it was nothing.

“That was… vague,” I said, but Alsari wasn’t listening. She gave the weapons lining the walls a cursory glance before selecting a sword.

“I assume you have little to no experience with a weapon?” she said.

“No, but Quint said this was going to be a riddle, not fighting,” I pointed out.

“I’m willing to bet the amount of things the Academy doesn’t tell us would fill a library,” she muttered. “Look at the rocks. There’s been a lot of fighting in here. You can’t see it, but the walls aren’t solid. They’re filled with doors that will pull up and let something else into the room. This is a place for combat, not riddles.”

“Something?”

“I suppose it could be someone, but we won’t know until the doors open,” Alsari intoned.

As if on queue, there was a grinding noise and a section of the wall about three feet by three feet was pulled up. I strained to see what was beyond it, but I couldn’t see through the inky blackness. The sound of something large and leathery being dragged across the ground came from the darkness, drawing closer to the opening.

“Grix!” Alsari cursed, and readied her sword. “Get behind me. We have a problem.”

“What kind of problem?” I asked.

“Large. Reptilian.”

“Reptilian?” I asked before realizing what was coming from the hole in the wall. “That’s not good.”

“You need to make as many illusions as possible,” Alsari said, keeping her eyes locked on the hole.

“Right,” I said. “Illusions. How do I do that?”

“Gods above,” Alsari muttered. “You can’t make illusions? Figure it out. Fast. And figure out the riddle.”

The creature slid out of the wall, smooth as water. First it’s massive, scaly snout poked out, followed by it’s head and long, twisting body. A gargantuan snake with slid out of the hole in the wall. Its body longer than the airships flying over Archora and thicker than the tree trunks used to build them. The serpent’s dark scales overlapped like a phalanx and curved designs swirled across its slippery hide. Its slitted eyes were dull and dispassionate, but its pale fangs flashed in the light of the torches lining the walls.

“What is that?” I gasped. The snake was flicking its whip like tongue through the air, not yet accustomed to its surroundings.

“Albarian naga,” Alsari growled, eyes fixed on the snake. “Large. Female. Not native to Archora.”

“Native to Albaria, I assume,” I said. “So the Academy managed to transport it here some how? Between worlds? Is that even possible?”

“I don’t think so, but it’s hard to tell with the Academy,” she replied. “We can talk about this later. We need to focus on killing the snake. I’m guessing a riddle will appear when we finish that.”

A part of me wondered if the naga’s egg could have been brought to Archora by a Flicker, but Alsari’s steely expression advised me not to bring that up.

This thought was banished from my mind when the naga’s massive head swiveled in my direction.

“Run,” said Alsari. “I’ll hold it off.”

I was about to argue, but the snake lunged at me like a reptilian bolt of lightning. I didn’t have time to react, but Alsari’s reflexes were better than mine. She pushed me out of the way, and the snake recoiled a moment before its head would have slammed into the stone floor.

Alsari looked at her sword, wishing she’d chosen a different weapon. I felt helpless. What could I do against a snake bigger than a tree?

Why would the Academy make me fight something that I had no way of fighting? I pondered this for a fraction of a second, shuffling behind the naga’s head. Alsari was distracting it by yelling and waving her sword in the air. They wouldn’t. Which means that there’s something I can do.

I’m a telepath, I thought. Animals must have minds, too.

I closed my eyes, extending my consciousness outside of my own head, stretching it towards the naga, but I found nothing. I could sense Alsari’s mind, but the snake had as much of a mind as the stones making up the walls of the Eternian Academy.

At that moment, Alsari lunged at the snake, stabbing it with incredible speed, but her sword just skittered off the naga’s scales. When this didn’t work, she pulled a smooth stone spike from the floor. It passed all the way through the snake with a sickening squelch and fell to the ground.

I grinned with relief and Alsari’s eyes flashed with victory as the massive serpent went limp.

“Wow!” I said, walking over to the lithomancer. “That was-” I was cut off when I saw something that stopped me in my tracks.

Violet magic the color of poison was streaming from the sides of the hole in the massive snake. Where the magic was spreading, its torn organs and shattered bones repaired themselves. Soon there was no trace that the wound had ever been there. With a slight shudder, the naga’s head reared back and it turned to face Alsari and I.

“How is it doing that?” I murmured.

“It was never alive at all,” Alsari growled, confirming my suspicion. “This naga is being animated by a necromancer.”


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2631 Reviews


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 10:36 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Yep, there's another chapter out now and I'm back to writing reviews in the present moment :)

Specifics

1.

When Alsari and I entered the room, Quint was already there. The walls were made of large, granite bricks and held torches like the rest of the Eternian Academy, but these walls were in much worse condition.
What room are they entering and why? Its been a while since we had a Thorn chapter so the first paragraph almost needs to act as a recap in some small way of what happened before. You don't want to make it too dull but some readers won't have time for more then a few chapters a week so you need to try and set the scene at the beginning of a chapter to help anyone picking the book back up ease into the story. The description of the room is good but I think we need to be told what it's purpose is and to be given a quick reminder of why Thorn and Alsari are there. Even something as small as saying 'training room' instead of the room will help.

2.
As if on queue cue [the other kind means to lie up.], there was a grinding noise and a section of the wall about three feet by three feet was pulled up.


3.
A gargantuan snake with slid out of the hole in the wall.


4.
“Native to Albaria, I assume,” I said. “So the Academy managed to transport it here some how? Between worlds? Is that even possible?”
Somehow should be one word.

5.
Alsari looked at her sword, wishing she’d chosen a different weapon. I felt helpless. What could I do against a snake bigger than a tree?
Thorn wouldn't know that she wishes she had chosen a different weapon so what is it about her look which suggests that? You need to describe the way she's looking at it and let us work out that the weapon isn't what she wants rather than telling us something Thorn can't possibly know.

Overall

This chapter feels a little awkward in that the two kids are having a relatively normal conversation about what the animal is during the battle - it doesn't feel as clipped or terse as it should. Generally speaking, when you're fighting for what feels like your life, you only have time to discuss things which are one hundred percent necessary, unless you're really skilled fighters. Which Thorn really isn't so his focus should be more on survival since this isn't something he's had to deal with before. And even though this is meant to be a training session, they haven't been given any promises they won't get hurt and even if they're reasonably sure they won't be allowed to die, being hurt is still very scary.

The beast is well described and I think this will be a good chapter once you clean it up a bit.

All the best,
Heather




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Sun Jul 16, 2017 10:08 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



It's great to see another chapter here!! :D

So this is pretty fun to read about (haha you'll never hear me say it's "fun" if I'm in that room xD)! Anyway, Alsari was a hero (for five seconds) or so. But she has the skill of a warrior, I think, plus her strong magic. If Thorn wants to catch up, he'll up TONS to do I think, both physically and magically.

Let me a get a nitpick out first:

Alsari looked at her sword, wishing she’d chosen a different weapon.


This is Thorn's 1st person POV and how come her POV butts in suddenly??? I'm guessing that perhaps this came from an earlier draft or something, but this needs to be tweaked so that this can be entirely Thorn's POV.

Another one I have is that I don't understand how the two can talk about the origins of the naga when it's sliding out. To me, it sounds a little forced, as if the conversation is for the sake of telling the reader about this naga. How about if you wrote it like this?:

“Albarian naga,” Alsari growled, eyes fixed on the snake. “Large. Female."

"How--?" I backed off.

The snake reared its head. Alsari balanced herself into a fighting stance, shoving me to the side. "Get ready and figure out the riddle fast!"

That moment the snake attacked.


Not great either, but than the information is shortened up quickly enough that the pacing picks up, just like adrenaline does before a fight. So I cut the part about where it came from, but I'm not sure that's a great thing because it might be important later. This example above is just to show that you can cut it short and let the fighting begin and it might be very helpful.

The rather longish conversation that time makes the situation calmer than it is. Though I know that the Academy won't deliberately murder them, I think the situation is dangerous and tense enough to scare Thorn and push Alsari into vigilance. Even with a rather placid boy like Thorn, he will be scared? Right?

When Thorn couldn't feel anything in the naga's mind, won't he be confused? I understand that it's good advice not to pepper fight scenes with internal monologue but I think that a sentence or two that details his confusion would be nice. You have a huge advantage over stories that use 3rd in terms of MC characterization because you can dive into their thoughts very, very deeply and see the world from their perspective. Fight scenes with too much monologue bogs the pacing, I know, but a phrase here or there placed cleverly and not-too-frequently might be able to outline his thought process. Not too sure myself.

I'm looking forward for the next part--it's Nyx's turn, right? :D





'Hush, hush!' I whispered; 'people can have many cousins and of all sorts, Miss Cathy, without being any the worse for it; only they needn't keep their company, if they be disagreeable and bad.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights