"I’m going to do what?” I asked.
“I know it may sound unbelievable,” Taanyth said. “But you will save us, without a doubt.”
This didn’t add up. The Harbinger had said that finding Taanyth and Laryn would help me… Although, now that I thought about it, he hadn’t said that. All he’d done was told me to find them, not why. What is he playing at? I thought.
Taanyth gave me an expectant look. “Sorry, what were you saying?” I asked.
This wasn’t the reaction he’d expected. “You didn’t come here by accident,” Taanyth clarified. “You were sent here to save us.”
“Save you from what?” I was having a hard time believing most of this.
“Well, in the short term, the Alok,” Taanyth said. “And in the long term-”
“Wait, what’s the Alok?” I asked, still not really believing him.
Taanyth sighed and the furrows around his eyes deepened. “I don’t know,” he said. “No one does.
“A few months ago, something changed in the forest. I’m the elder of this village, as well as a druid; I have a connection to the trees themselves. I can’t converse with them, exactly, but they give me a sense of the goings on in the forest.”
“So, what happened a few months ago?” I asked.
“Something entered the forest, something foreign, something alien,” he said. “Like a plague from another world. But it wasn’t. I was concerned, of course, but I ignored it. That was foolish. It was only a few days before the first disappearance.
“I should have seen something like it coming, but I disobeyed my instinct and was idle. Three nights after the disturbance in the forest, a scream was heard in one of the houses, followed by childlike laughter. Those in neighboring trees saw only a flash of light.
“The house was searched, of course, but it was useless. There was no sign of a struggle, or any other disturbance. But the owner of the house was gone.”
“Who was it?” I asked.
“An elf by the name of Fay,” Taanyth said. “She was Laryn’s sister. Since then, there have been thirty-three other disappearances, each the same as the first. There’s a scream, a flash of light, and then laughter. No clues as to what occurred.”
“Do you have any idea what happened to them?” I queried.
“No. They could have been killed or merely taken, but we have no way of knowing what happened to the victims of the Alok,” Taanyth replied. “Many have condemned them as dead, or lost and never to return. Others hold out hope that the lost can be found.”
“That’s what Laryn was doing when he found me,” I realized. “He was looking for his sister-”
My sentence was cut off when something very unexpected happened. There were sounds of movement at the entrance to the tree, and turned to see a figure step into it. She was in her early teens, her red hair pulled back in a ponytail, but the most noticeable thing about her was her right arm. She wore a brass gauntlet with a glowing blue circle on the back of her hand.
The moment she stepped into view, she extended her hand and a pale blue bolt shot out of her palm. It flashed across the room like an arrow, hitting Taanyth as he turned to face her. He was encased in a thick layer of ice, frozen where he stood.
“What did you do?” I shrieked, shocked by the sudden attack.
She looked at me for the first time, and conflicting emotions clashed on her face. I picked out annoyance, anger, guilt, but I was sure there were more that I couldn’t recognize. It lasted just a moment, and then her face morphed into an emotionless mask. “Don’t worry, it’s not fatal,” she drawled. “The ice is altered with alchemy, it’s more of a containment membrane than anything.” She stopped. “Why am I explaining this to you?”
“Who are you?” I cried.
“Look, it doesn’t matter,” she said.
“Why not?”
With a flick of her wrist, she shot a ball of fire at me. Shocked, my reaction was delayed, and I could smell burning hair when I ducked. “Because I’m here to kill you.”
I backpedaled trying to create more distance between me and my attacker. It wouldn’t make a distance, because the girl had planted herself between me and my only exit.
“If it’s any consolation,” she said. “I don’t want to do this.”
“Why would that be any consolation?” I dodged another orb of fire.
The girl shrugged. “I don’t know.” She shot a bolt of ice at me, and this time I wasn’t fast enough to dodge it. She must have aimed low, because my legs were encased in ice and frozen to the floor of the tree, the same way as Taanyth.
The girl’s face morphed into a grimace when she saw she had struck home. She was unhappy with this result. I realized that she had been telling the truth when she had said she didn’t want to kill me.
The next moment I remember in perfect clarity. I was panicked, positive that my death was imminent, but unable to prevent it. The girl had her arm extended, but her face had turned away. She didn’t want to see me die. There were two tongues of flame shooting from her gauntlet. They were entwined, spiraling towards me in helix.
At the moment before my death, the universe exploded in my mind. For the first time in my life, I knew how small I was. There were lots of people on Alaran, of course there were, but there had been very few in Stratha, so the population of the world hadn’t sunk in. Now I knew that the population of the world was miniscule in the face of how many lives existed everywhere. There were countless worlds beyond Alaran, with things on them that I never would have dreamed of. And, I realized, I held the power to go there. Go anywhere. Explore the infinite worlds.
But first I had to deal with the problem at hand: I was about to be incinerated. An instinct buried deep in my mind burst into action. Instead of attempting to avoid the flames, I let them wash over me. I felt warm, but in a pleasant way. By the same instinct, I shot a column of fire out of my hands and at my attacker.
She turned to face me in time to realize her sudden impending peril. She seemed more perplexed than afraid, and she conjured an icy shield from her gauntlet, but it was too weak and too hasty. The force of my magic fire knocked her into the wall of the tree. She fell to the ground, unconscious.
When I was sure she wasn’t going to try to kill me, I took an unsteady breath. What just happened? I looked at my hands, hands that had summoned fire moments before. One thought blotted out my mind, silencing everything else, including the fact that I had almost been killed. I have magic!
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Hi Again! I’m still in Shanghai but I’m not sure if I’ll finish this one here or on the plane. Or maybe even back in England! Anyway, on to the review…
At this point I think you need to slow down and show us Laryns reaction. Does Corso feel bad for the elf? They have been travelling partners for only a short while but when you’re told someone’s relative has gone missing and they are in the room with you, it’s only human to look at that person and perhaps to try to offer some sympathy. It’s part curiosity and part empathy. Or is Laryn not in the tree with them? That hasn’t been made very clear so far and we need to be told/ reminded at the start of this chapter.Specifics
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2. Hello Nyx! This is a smooth introduction so far – good work.
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Overall
This is probably one of my favourite chapters so far because we get a lot of world building and strong character development, all wrapped up in the same chapter. There are good descriptions of the magic the characters are using and it’s great to feel Corso’s triumph and his realisation that he has these magical powers.
I’ve not much else to say about this one so I’m going to go ahead and skip along to the next.
All the best,
Heather
Hi Feltrix--wow! The reviews popped up so fast!
Alright, this chapter is getting exciting! Now Corso and Nyx meet (though they're fighting), and Corso discovers his magic. It's kind of exciting that Corso can defeat Nyx. I'm not saying I hate Nyx or something but other than the Harbinger, Nyx has met her match! I hope they become friends and fight against the Harbinger. Maybe are all three Flickers?
I have a few notes here:
-Dialogue Tags: I agree with Aley that here are rather boring dialogue tags, especially when Corso was talking to Taanyth. I think mixing and matching with less boring tags and action beats would improve it. Such as (from a later bit)
Try "yelled at". Or
And sometimes for a few lines when two are speaking, you can remove the dialogue tags so you can speed up the dialogue. The tricky part is that you have to make sure the reader knows who is speaking. But it's not a good idea to do this too much because you might end up with "talking heads". Characters only talking is pretty unrealistic.
-Nyx: The part about "don't worry, it's not fatal" doesn't really feel like Nyx (I'm not sure she'll explain). I know she likes to drawl while fighting so I would have preferred to just jump to the "I don't want to do this, but I'm going to have to kill you part".
-Magic: The part when Corso discovered his magic felt a little off to me. Some foreshadowing in the earlier chapters could build up to a grand reveal, and they don't have to be obvious. The reader will subconsciously remember the details and when the twist occurs, they'll think, Aha!
Other than that, this chapter was an exciting read, and I'm eager to know what happens next! Feel free to use my suggestions or not, and message me if you want to discuss!
Hey Feltrix,
I like the tone of the story. You have a good sense of plot and you are moving it ahead nicely. The more I read, the more I get drawn into the situation. It might be a little wordy/telly when it comes to the whole monolouging of Taanyth at the beginning, but I can understand wanting to share the background of the story before getting much farther into it. Honestly chapter 17 is a bit late to be getting into the crux of some of these details in my opinion. Our MC should have picked up this information by now considering it's basic history of the event, but I haven't been along for the ride.
That being said, what I have noticed here is just a little bit of oddities with reactions and timing. Let's take the original motion of the attack into play, okay?
A stranger shows up, out of nowhere, and, all of a sudden, shoots the leader of this village with ice, and our MC's only reaction is: "“What did you do?” I asked the girl."
This very passive, non assertive, quizzical "asked" rather than demand, or screamed, or exclaimed, you've got asked. My problem with this isn't so much that she's not reacting, because she is reacting, but that the reaction is very, belayed and dull. She's ready to hold a conversation with this attacker rather than trying to A) defend/save the man who was just potentially murdered in front of her, B) attack the obvious attacker. It's not until this girl says that Taanyth is fine that she should really be let off the hook and not attacked in some respect, whether it's just holding a stick up in defense or screaming and running for the authorities.
The other part where you've got the same sort of passive voice for our MC is here: "Shocked, my reaction was delayed, and I could smell burning hair when I ducked."
It's understandable that she's shocked, I mean, I would be shocked too if an unknown assailant who just froze someone decided I needed to die, and suddenly was wielding fire rather than ice, but again, the wording is weak. I tend to replace words like "shocked" and "angered" with things like for shocked: My gut jumped into my throat, I had to unscramble my brain to duck, My breath knocked out of my body as I gasped and dropped to my knees. For angered: with rage broiling my chest and stomach, I felt the rippling energy of revenge fuel my stalking pace, etc.
The more active language you can get into a book with emotions, the better. Don't satisfy yourself with words like "shocked" or "asked" or "said" because you've got a bigger vocabulary at your disposal than that! Pick a word that you think might be closer, and look it up in a thesaurus to try to develop more language to use, or find all of the options available to you.
I think it's really important to do that this far into a book too because you need to keep the reader engaged with the action, and the best way to do that is active writing! The more you keep a verbose vocabulary for dull things like word tags and expressions, the more entertained your reader will be.
All in all, keep writing! Just spice it up a little bit with new ways to say some old phrases.
Hey there, Feltrix!
I am stoppin' by this piece in what appears to be a great, action-packed middle, so excuse my ignorance of the previous chapters. I'll be asking a lot of questions, and if they're already answered in previous chapters or upcoming chapters, that's great! I don't actually need the questions answered, I'll just share what I'm thinking for your reference.
I wonder what other people are present in this scene. I feel like if this person is an elder and an important person, they would probably be accompanied by a helper or a supporter, who would be able to take the time to introduce the elder rather than them needing to introduce themselves. It seems odd to so comfortably claim their profession when they're not even asked. I know it's related to the topic, but for some reason I feel like it would feel more natural if they were among a group of more people than what appears to be alone, one on one. That way, others could back up the stories of the weird things happening and build credibility that it's not just one guy seeing things.
That said, the description of the disappearances is really well-done and intriguing. I want to know how it could be pulled off.
See, I know that the reader needs this information, but this is too obviously you giving the information as the author. "Why am I explaining this to you" gives it away -- the reason is because we need to know as the reader, even if the character doesn't need to know. What happens if she doesn't explain? Won't we find out that it's not fatal later?
Noooo~ The old villain trope of talking too much and not just getting down to the killing. Is there any way that this scene could play differently? Without the talking? It doesn't give any character development for her to explain the membrane and say she's going to kill him -- we would be able to see that from her actions anyway. I feel like you could find a way to show us that she doesn't actually want to do it, either, but the fact that she's come this far and has already started the attack shows she made SOME kind of decision to go through with it, right?
AND YAY, how exciting to have come in on the grand reveal chapter! I love the moment when the narrative slows down and he just imagines all the people in the world. I think you could take your time and move at a slower pace to describe how he wills the fire to wash over him and how it feels when his own fire comes out, too.
I hope these thoughts are helpful to you! If you have any questions or comments, feel free to PM me or leave a reply here. Thanks for sharing, and good luck!
Hannah