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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Nyx 3 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


My feet slapped against the polished marble, footsteps echoing off the wall. I glanced behind me to see a dozen guards pursuing me down the hallway. They each wore a uniform underneath their armor and each one carried a spear. “After her!” one called, which I thought was pretty pointless as every guard in the entire complex was already attempting to capture me, and all because of the small, glowing object currently residing in my satchel.

I bolted for the door on the far side of the room, but more guards flooded from that exit. I flexed my right hand, the trigger for my gauntlet to shoot a bolt of lightning. It collided with two of the guards, hurling them against the wall. I darted for the third exit. My hair rose in a fiery nimbus around my head; I really needed to fix that lightning setting. It was getting temperamental.

The guards were momentarily stunned, but they resumed their mad dash to catch me. As I sprinted down the hallway, the wooden wings rattled on my back. If they didn’t hold together….that would be bad. I looked down the other halls branching off, but never took one; they’d only take me deeper into the tower.

Finally, I arrived in a circular room, probably fifty feet across. It had vaulted, marble walls and a massive window straight across from me. There was only one exit and that was the one I’d just come through.

The guards, by now numbering about thirty, surrounded me in a semi circle, spears facing in. “No way out of this one,” someone called.

I shook my head. “There’s always a way out.” I glanced at the timer in my hand. Seven, it read. Six….five….

I dashed towards the window, through the gap in the guards’ defenses. They left a gaping hole exactly where I needed to go. No one stood in my way as I darted towards the window. Of course, that was because no one expected me to jump out of a five hundred foot tall tower.

My brass gauntlet smashed through the window, sending shards of glass flying into empty space. My momentum carried me through the broken window and then I was in freefall, plummeting through the night sky. The sound of air rushing past me blared in my ears as I plunged through darkness. It was exhilarating, falling weightlessly through shadows, but I knew it wouldn’t last forever.

I pulled a string on my shirt and wings that had remained folded on my back ballooned out. The sturdy oak frame held strong and the linen held enough air to keep me from falling. I had been slightly unsure if they would; I’d never used wood in my designs before.

Well, they had done the job. I was gliding gracefully over the houses below me. And then I heard a massive explosion from behind me. I twisted my neck to look behind me and saw that the entire top of the tower I had just robbed had gone up in a blast of fire. I glanced at my timer. Zero. I grinned, savoring my victory, but it didn’t last long. I had forgotten to account for the shrapnel.

A hail of stones ranging from pebble to boulder shot through the air. My back was peppered with pebbles. That paled into utter insignificance in the face of the fact that a larger rock, about the size of the palm of my hand, had punched a hole in the left wing. Not just in the fabric, but in the structure so that it flapped around uselessly as I plummeted into a spiral. Thankfully, it wasn’t freefall like before, but sadly I was still falling towards the slate rooftops below me. Headfirst.

The roof rose up to meet me, and the gap was closing fast. At the last second, I extended the wings and I wasn’t falling so much as gliding very, very steeply. I bounced off the roof, the impact taking the air from my lungs. My momentum carried me down the side, and I fell off of the roof, slamming into the wall of an alley. Finally, I hit the ground. It was a relief, honestly; I had no where left to fall.

Pain radiated through my body. I had two, maybe three broken ribs, a few more were fractured along with my shoulder. Everything would heal in time, none of my wounds were serious, but they hurt. And I had to get out of here. Sooner or (more likely) later, the guards would regroup and come looking for me. No sooner had I had the thought than an alarm bell began ringing. Of course it was sooner.

“Well, this is just stellar,” I growled to myself.

“Don’t move,” someone from farther down the alley advised.

I laughed a bitter, only slightly manic laugh. “You did just see me jump out of a building which exploded, right? If you’re thinking of robbing me, think again.”

“I wasn’t.” A figure walked closer. He was dressed in a red robe, not one traditional with any style I’d seen on Alaran. His hood was up, covering most of his face, but I could still see below his nose. I squinted, trying to see under it, but to no avail. I hadn’t been on Alaran long, and it was possible I just hadn’t encountered someone wearing this cloak before, but all the same, it made me nervous. If he was a Flicker, I wasn’t sure I could deal with him in my present state. I wasn’t even sure I could deal with him if he wasn’t.

As he approached, I tensed. I flicked my wrist, sending a fireball to his right. “That was a warning shot.”

“Oh, come on, Nyx. You need my help.” I was perplexed to notice that his voice hadn’t deepened all the way yet, putting his age in the early teens.

“No, I do not!” I growled through gritted teeth. I tried to shift myself into a sitting position in a way that caused the least pain. I couldn’t see for sure, but I was fairly certain the cloaked person was rolling his eyes. “Wait, how do you know my name?”

“Oh, do you prefer to be called the Alchemist?” he asked. “I know lots of things. I know what you just stole from that tower. I know everyone in this alliance will be looking for you. And I know you’re in too much pain to Flicker or even walk away. Once they catch you, they’ll imprison you, maybe torture you, but you’ll heal eventually. When you do, you’ll be able to Flicker away, but your bones will have healed badly. You’ll have to deal with that for the rest of your life. And, of course, they’ll have taken your precious gauntlet.”

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I suppose you’d call me the Harbinger.” I wracked my brain for stories, even rumors of someone going by that name, but came up with nothing. “I can help you.”

I raised a skeptical eyebrow, but didn’t strike him with lightning. He held his hands near my broken bones and tendrils of light flowed from them, connecting to my ribs and shoulder. All the while, I was looking at the Harbinger’s face, hoping the light would reveal it. It didn’t.

Gradually, the light knit my bones together, which was an altogether disconcerting sensation, but the pain was going away, so it was worth it. I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually the Harbinger stood up and I was able to do the same without writhing in agony.

“There’s something I want you to do,” the Harbinger said.

“No,” was my immediate response.

“Let me rephrase that,” he said, his calm voice threaded with a hint of a threat. He held up his hand and light came from it, but this time, it coalesced into a sword which he held about an inch from the tip of my nose. “There’s someone I want you to kill.”


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 7:07 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Time for chapter 3!

Specifics

1.

I dashed towards the window, through the gap in the guards’ defenses. Really, they should have expected this. They left a gaping hole exactly where I needed to go. No one stood in my way as I darted towards the window.
It seems odd that with all the guards in the room she can still make it to the window. Unless they're letting her get there on purpose - and it doesn't seem like a trap - I'd call this unrealistic. There were 12 guards to start and then at least another handful which is surely enough to have her one hundred percent surrounded.

2.
I hadn’t been on Alaran long, and it was possible I just hadn’t encountered someone wearing this cloak before, but all the same, it made me nervous.
Is Alara a planet? Usually 'on' is only used for planets and we say 'in' when talking about a town or country.

3.
Gradually, the light knit my bones together, which was an altogether disconcerting sensation, but the pain was going away, so it was worth it. I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually the Harbinger stood up and I was able to do the same without writhing in agony. I was perplexed to see that I was almost an inch taller than him, which put his age in the early teens.
Height doesn't automatically denote age so this seems a bit odd. I have a friend who's the height of a 15 year old but she's in her late twenties now. It can normally give you a reasonable guess but I don't think you can tell how old a boy is by their height - they have growth spurts anywhere between 12 and 18 so you get a huge range of heights before they reach adulthood.

Overall

Nyx is pretty wild and clearly doesn't mind killing people - those poor guards! - but the insight into his/ her personality is quite vague here. We don't know if they feel bad about their deaths/ if they feel the guards deserved it/ if they are cold hearted and don't care. I think that's a really key distinction to make up front because very few people cause that much destruction without feeling something.

The action is fun though and the Harbinger seems like he'll be cool. A little more insight into your characters thoughts will help build the atmosphere and by the next chapter or so, I'm hoping we'll get a sense of the main plot arc because at the moment it's not very clear how these characters are connected or how they're lined to the game mentioned in the prologue.

Back again soon!

~Heather




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 5:33 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Feltrix,

MJ back with another review to rack up some more points! Team April for the win! With that said, let's hop right into some high and low points of your story. Just a quick warning: This review might be harsh, but your writing has such potential that I feel it necessary to review a little harder just to reach the maximum that this concept can reach. Your execution is good for the most part, but there are a few areas of improvement I'll cover in this review.

First off, I loved how action-packed this story was. It can get really boring reading a bunch of descriptions and mumbo-jumbo, and just hopping right into the action can really help move the plot along. It was a really compelling plot with a lot of showing, which is definitely good. There were just a few spots that could be improved:

I feel like in the beginning, the description of guards feels inadequate. You said,

They each wore a uniform underneath their armor, as well as a spear, breastplate, and helmet.
This part seems a little awkward. The guards aren't wearing their weapons under their armor, so a rephrase here will help with that confusion. Maybe something like 'They each wore a uniform underneath their armor, which consisted of a breastplate and helmet, and were armed with spears." Or something similar to show the distinction between wearing the uniform under their armor and carrying weapons/armor.

Secondly, the section where you say
I quickly tried to think of anyone using that alias, even rumors of someone
seems a bit awkward. I think a rephrase of this would be helpful as well, maybe something along the lines of, "I wracked my brain to remember anyone who went by that name, but came up with nothing. Desperate, I tried to remember even a rumor about the Harbinger, but again found nothing."

And thirdly, the ending part seems like it doesn't have all the drama you wanted. I feel like there should be some sort of threat at the end, judging by how close the sword is to Nyx's face and the suddenness. Maybe adding in a threat here like, "There's someone I want you to kill, or you will wind up dead." Something that sounds less cliche than that would probably be better. I trust that you could come up with something there.

I couldn't come up with anything as far as characters, except just a reminder to probably add in a bit more background info in a future chapter. That will make Nyx more compelling since the reader will understand where she's coming from and what her motivations are. Her differences from the others that have been described will make her stand out, but also create a nice bond between the three characters that have already been introduced. Overall, great job on this chapter. I could only offer three suggestions, which is a new record for me. Keep writing, and make sure that you keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
MJ




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 1:30 pm
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Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Hey Feltrix! Back again~

Man, I am just enjoying where this story is going. Nyx's introduction is just as fun and compelling as Thorn's was, and I'm interested to see where and when all of these characters' paths meet.

I'm also noticing that everyone keeps referencing being ON Alaran rather than IN Alaran. Either this is a typo, or now we're in SPACE. Well, maybe not in space, but we're recognizing there are multiple planets and able to travel between them? Which is interesting considering the level of technology (unless aether is helpful in that respect too). If this is the fact of it, then I think we might need some stronger worldbuilding up front so that we aren't discovering this pretty massive fact in chapter three. If it IS a typo, then it's a typo that's causing a lot of confusion, so maybe clear that up.

This chapter follows the same formula you're working with in previous ones, giving us an exciting introduction to a character and then leaving us with a lot of questions to pull us forward. I'm interested to see how you slow down and give us some more context the next time we swing around to each of these characters.

It's too early to tell, but the other thing I'm thinking about is similarities between characters. We have a lot of action that differentiates them (Corso is rather passive, where Thorn is hiding his mage abilities and being sought out by Clockwork, where Nyx is an inventor/thief/assassin) but we haven't seen a LOT of their personalities yet to set them apart. Keep this in mind going forward! Every character should have a distinct personality, enough so that we could tell them apart immediately even without their name in the chapter heading.

Otherwise, another fun chapter! Looking forward to digging into more~

Keep writing!

--Lauren




Feltrix says...


All I'm saying is it's not a typo, and I want it to remain mysterious.



Lauren2010 says...


I am 100% on board with this



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:28 pm
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Iamawriter wrote a review...



Hello! Iamawriter here for a review! (This is my first review day review and I'm pretty excited, but enough about me!)

I have not read any previous chapters in your story, but I feel you did such a good job writing that I didn't need to in order to understand what was going on.

To me, your description is spot on! The words you chose really make the story come to life and it isn't dull at all!

Honestly, I cannot think of anything that I would change than what is mentioned in the other reviews.

Keep writing!




Feltrix says...


Thanks! This is my first review day, too. But the reason everything makes sense probably has more to do with the fact that the first four chapters are introducing my protagonists who have no knowledge of each other thus far, so this could easily be the first chapter.



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Sun Feb 26, 2017 1:19 am
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crobbins wrote a review...



Hey, crobbins here for another review!

When I haven't read the previous chapters of a series, I tend to just look for spelling and grammar/formatting issues. So I'll list those below, and then put what I like about the chapter.

"They each wore a uniform underneath their armor, as well as a spear, breastplate, and helmet." How can one wear a spear? I get this is not what you meant, but this confused me a tad bit.

"I had no where left to fall." This is probably just my preference, but I always spell it like "nowhere."

Ok, that's all I found for spelling and grammar! Kudos!

Now, I loved the feel of this chapter. Although I couldn't really understand all of the references as I haven't read chapters one and two, I still appreciated the strong details in this! These details really helped paint a strong image in the readers mind of what was happening during the chapter.

I loved how well you described the escape scene. I was on the edge of my seat, hoping they would get away! Very well done!

I love how you also integrate the main character's thoughts into your writing. It makes the reader feel like they can relate to them more easily.

So, overall, very well done! I like this a lot!

I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins




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Sat Feb 25, 2017 4:44 am
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PrincessInk says...



Hi Feltrix,

This chapter certainly had a lot of tension, and the chapter opening really drew me in.

Still, I have a few issues.

When Nyx fell and opened her wings, those wings were dropped in a convenient location. It may do good to drop a hint about those linen wings in the beginning. And "how" she developed her wings felt rather unnecessary. And also, the small object she had stolen was a little vague.

When Nyx met the Harbinger, I also felt as though Nyx showed lack of surprise. Maybe shehad encountered many strange people, but she should have been a little startled. And you didn't establish what time of day it was, either. It was too dark for Nyx to see the Harbinger, but how could she see the building?

"the alias through the mental list of people to be afraid of" needs to be rephrased, I think. It feels strange, somehow.

Your last paragraph was crafted particularly well, too, and I like the way it ended on a cliffhanger. It also left me wondering about who the Harbinger was, and though he was helpful to Nyx, my impression of him is slightly villainous.

Overall, like your previous chapters (I read chapter two but didn't have time to review), I enjoyed your third chapter. Nyx was introduced pretty well, but I also thought that some important details in your story was neglected, while the unimportant ones were included.

Have a great day and keep writing!

Princess Ink





We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor