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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Corso 9 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


The Harbinger’s choice was still ringing in my ears long after he was gone. I’d always felt a pull to leave the village, but if I was being rational, going outside the Wall was suicide. But what would happen if I stayed? There was no reason to believe that the madness would go away, and plenty to support the idea that it would get worse. But I’d never gone outside the Wall, barely even seen the outer world, just sneaking glances when the the gates closed behind Hudson.

I couldn’t think out here in the deserted streets. I was exposed and vulnerable, like a mouse in the middle of a floor. Something large and clawed could snatch me at any minute. I turned around, about to return to the barn, when I spotted something out of the corner of my eye.

Someone had carved a symbol into the wall of a house. I moved closer and realized that it was the same design I’d seen David drawing, a circle with two points spiraling towards the center. It couldn’t be a coincidence that two people, both of them descending into madness, had made a symbol with no apparent meaning. And why wasn’t the madness affecting me? Or what if it was affecting me? What if the Harbinger had been a figment of my imagination? What if I was just as insane as the rest of the town? And how could I tell? I couldn’t was the cold truth. I had no way of knowing if I had lost my mind or not. I should have been panicking, but I wasn’t. It was a strange feeling, but the feeling of having no control was calming. Regardless of what the truth was, I couldn’t change it, so there was no point struggling.

I stepped back from the house and it’s eldritch rune, and saw another one. This house was covered in the etchings, leaving no blank room. The vortex symbols ranged in size from the size of my thumbnail to almost as large as the windows, some of them overlapping with each other. Almost all of the houses farther down the road had the ubiquitous vortex symbol graffitied onto them.

I began to examine the gaps between the houses and saw something. A figure dressed in a patched and dirty cloak stood motionless in front of me.

I didn’t move, not sure what to think. If this person was like the rest, I wanted to avoid them. The person’s head swiveled in my direction. It was Susan, but I’d never seen her like this. Her eyes were wide and bulging, her face gaunt and sallow. Her face split into a twisted grin that stretched far wider than it should have and released a giddy cackle. I bolted for the Wall.

I raced past more houses emblazoned with the spiraling symbol. More people dressed in their old, shabby cloaks were assembling in the streets and behind houses. I ran past them, trying to avoid looking at their faces, trying not to find out who they used to be.

I dashed up the stairs to the top of the Wall. Only the Nightshroud was allowed up here, but everyone in the Nightshroud were dressed in cloaks at the moment. I tried not to think about the fact that Estra and my mother were with them.

At the top of the stairs, I climbed a ladder and opened a trap door, admitting me to the surface of the Wall. Despite the urgency of the situation, I was taken aback by the view. This was the highest I’d ever been, only about twenty feet higher than normal, but all of Stratha was sprawled out before me, wrapped by it’s Wall.

I noticed something that made the view pale into utter insignificance. At first, it seemed as though the positions of the hooded people were random. The appearance of the mysterious symbol in David’s house had seemed random at first, too. In reality, neither were. I looked at the small, hooded dots of the people in my village. Their positions formed a perimeter around the town, with two tendrils curling towards the center. Everyone in Stratha was standing in the shape of a massive vortex.

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I burst out of the abandoned gates and raced through the forest. Branches lashed my face and arms, but they didn’t slow my mad dash. All I could hear was my uneven breathing and the steady thud of my heartbeat.

I had left Stratha without really thinking about it, without giving myself time to stop. Vines entangled my arms and legs, I tripped over roots and stones, but I continued my reckless dashing.

When I estimated I’d put half a mile between me and my village, I doubled over, panting. My clothes, which had been dirty and ripped before I set out, were now little more than rags. I didn’t have water, food, or any of the other supplies needed for survival outside the Wall.

The Harbinger had told me to find Taanyth and Laryn, and that all I needed to do to cure the madness was leave. I still wasn’t sure if I believed him, I wasn’t even sure if he was real, but I couldn’t go back to Stratha. Not now.

The Harbinger called me ‘the eye of the maelstrom.’ The madness had come to Stratha because of me. Did that mean that if I met someone else, would they go insane, too?

I couldn’t think about that right now. I had to focus on putting distance between myself and my village. My breathing had steadied, so I resumed running through the trees. If I didn’t find somewhere safe by nightfall, or I wasn’t sure I’d see the sunrise.

It was hard to keep track of time, charging headlong through the forest, but I noticed a blur of movement out of the corner of my vision. I stopped, staring at the spot where the bushes had twitched.

“Don’t move,” a voice behind me commanded. I froze. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m looking for Laryn and Taanyth,” I panted.

The speaker moved in front of me. He was dressed in clothes made from leaves and vines woven together. His brown hair was braided down his back, revealing pointed, catlike hears. He was also holding a bow with an arrow pointed at my chest. “Why?”

I had to think about that. I couldn’t say Because someone who might have been my imagination told me to.

“Answer!” the man commanded.

“Because I need help,” I said at last.

There was a pause. He slowly lowered his bow. “Come with me. And don’t try anything stupid,” he drawled. “As bad a shot as I am, I’m sure I can hit you from few hundred yards away.”

With his threat still hanging in the air, the man lead me deeper into the forest.


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2631 Reviews


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Wed Jul 12, 2017 7:36 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello again!

Specifics

1.

I was exposed and vulnerable, like a mouse in the middle of a floor.
I think there are better similes you could use here because a mouse in the middle of the floor isn't that vulnerable - they're fast and very hard to catch. I had gerbils growing up and they got our their cage a few times and were always very hard to chase down! Maybe if it was a mouse in a locked room with a cat then it would fit better but have a think and you may come up with something else entirely.

2.
I stepped back from the house and it’s its eldritch rune, and saw another one.
This is one which catches me out sometimes too but 'it's' should only be used for it has or it is - where two words have been contracted. If you want to show possession it would be its without an apostrophe. This has become a common exception to the rule.

3.
I dashed up the stairs to the top of the Wall. Only the Nightshroud was allowed up here, but everyone in the Nightshroud were dressed in cloaks at the moment.
This is a bit awkward because being dressed in a cloak has nothing in common with where you are - they could be dressed in a cloak and still on top of the wall so the phrasing here which suggests they're not there because they are wearing cloaks doesn't make sense. I think you meant to imply that it's because they'd gone mad but they could be wearing cloaks and not be mad.

4.
This was the highest I’d ever been, only about twenty feet higher than normal, but all of Stratha was sprawled out before me, wrapped by it’s Wall.
Again, I'd suggest dropping the apostrophe in its.

5.
I noticed something that made the view pale into utter insignificance.
Lines like this are really redundant and rarely have a place in a novel because they slow the story down. Don't tell us that the view is going to seem like nothing soon, show us. Describe the next action and Corso's horror/ wonder at it.

6.
If I didn’t find somewhere safe by nightfall, or I wasn’t sure I’d see the sunrise.


7.
His brown hair was braided down his back, revealing pointed, catlike hears ears.


8. It's not clear if Corso has heard of the people he is looking for before or if he knows who they are. I don't remember if you covered that in the last Corso chapter but even if you did, we need a reminder here of who he's looking for or if he doesn't know then I'd like to see more uncertainty in his thoughts as to their identity.

Overall

This is a pretty solid chapter! There's a nice sense of spookiness about the madness in the village. I'm a little sad he didn't run into his sister or have a final interaction with someone he knew though. It feels like he gets over the wall too easily so you build a nice bit of tension but it doesn't go anywhere because he doesn't meet the final obstacle to leaving which your reader is expecting.

But other than that I thought the content here was good. The pace is perhaps a bit too fast and you'd benefit from sowing down a little and adding a few more descriptions/ character interactions but the atmosphere you build is good and we get to see a little more of how Corso thinks.

See you at the next part!

~Heather




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Sat May 06, 2017 12:49 am
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Feltrix,

MJ continuing right where we left off! To begin, some main points of improvement:

The idea that there was absolutely nothing I could do was oddly calming.
Why is this calming? If this were happening to me and if I reached that conclusion, I would be freaking out. Why isn't Corso panicking?

“Hey!” I called

Why is Corso calling out 'hey' when he's convinced some animal is going to scoop him up and eat him at any moment? This was a jarring transition from scared-for-my-life to a typical day in the village, saying hi to random people down the street.

Everyone in Stratha was standing in the shape of a massive vortex.
This section seemed a little ambiguous. Were the people forming the shape by the position they were standing in, or were they all standing inside a portal? What do you mean by vortex? I feel like this section has a lot of unanswered questions that should be addressed.

I burst out of the portcullis and raced through the forest,
Can he just run through the portcullis? Is there a lever or something he needs to pull? I wouldn't think that it would be so simple to escape, but maybe it is. From previous descriptions, I got the impression that opening the portcullis required several strong men heaving on levers, not just some scared and uncertain teenage boy to just breeze through.

My clothes, which were already dirty and ripped, were now much more dirty and ripped.
Maybe it's just personal preference, but I really dislike this sentence. It doesn't feel right and could probably be reworded so it didn't sound so redundant. Like I said, this is probably just personal preference, but if possible I think a rewriting of just this section would make it flow better and sound smoother.

I didn’t have time to think about that right now.
Then why is he thinking about this right now? Why is this even being MENTIONED since he is so set on escape?

As bad a shot as I am, I’m sure I can hit you from few hundred yards away.”
Why would the man tell Corso he was a bad shot? That doesn't make very much sense, considering Corso still seems to be considering an attempted escape.

Overall, I liked the plot progression here. The readers are getting to see more about the characters little by little, and for the most part, their personalities are very relatable and enjoyable, but also have their differences and similarities. So far, it's seemed a little slow as we follow each character, but I'm sure it will speed up once they all are in the same place at the same time. This section I did a lot of questioning of the plot because I felt like there were more unaddressed questions that might come up, but other than that this was also a great and well-written section. Looking forward to reading more!

Best wishes,
MJ




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Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:29 am
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Zebobez wrote a review...



The transition between normal village and spooky village was sudden, and it wasn't explained enough, I thought the main character was having a dream sequence because of how sudden and unexplained it was. The events you describe are more like a dream than anything else, but the main reason for that was probably the way you worded his discovery of that fact. You had him walking through a village, looking at a house, seeing nothing, and then noticing something--and then more somethings! Once you establish the details of an object in a story, it's bad form to change those details without describing how they change and why.

Other than that, I think your character being called "The eye of the maelstrom" mysteriously is kind of cliche, but I can't criticize you because my current work has a main character mysteriously called "The daughter of the dawn." It's a fun trope to use and if you develop it right it can be pretty cool but you can't just drop it in there like that without the main character questioning it and without any immediate implications. Again, as I said, I can't be too harsh on that because I'm doing it myself and have done it quite often.

The flow is good. The pacing is quick, jerky for the reasons described above, but other than that I see no real problems that need to be fixed.

Oh, and the elf says "Arrow between my eyes," and not "Arrow between your eyes." Though that is a cliche phrase anyways, and besides when you shoot someone with a bow you're supposed to aim for center mass or whatever. The skull is pretty thick. But you know, the rule of cool and all.

My grades of the segment and my reasons:
Story: C+
I think that the story is cliched in all the wrong places, but those cliches are cliches because they work. Thus the plus rating. I wouldn't change anything here if you're planning on breaking or expanding those cliches later.
Writing style: B
I think all your style needs is a little practice. Sure, you can perfect your style in this one passage, but it's going to take forever and it will probably end up sounding stilted. Don't change anything here. I've seen plenty of published works, even bestsellers, that have writing worse than yours. Not to say yours is bad by any means. Quite the opposite. But honest reviews that are kind are the best in the game.
Pacing (Overall): B-
I think the overall pacing is a bit quick, and a bit sudden, but if you weave this into a larger story it will probably work out fine.
Pacing (Line by line) C+
The pacing of the line-by-line incidences is hindered by your main character's lens. In other words, I feel his presence interrupting my vision of the story. He keeps saying, I see, I feel, I saw, and the focus is too much on what he perceives and not what really is. You can change this, though it would be difficult to break an old habit that pretty much everyone has at first. Just remove references to his perception wherever you can without sounding stilted and you're good to go.
Description: B, with some A+ material that gets paced wrong.
I loved your description of the barn. Make that more prominent. Remove the character's lens. Describe the symbols more. Don't put it right in the middle of a scene transition, where the reader's mind is focused on the movement between situations and not the environment. Separate it out. Let us savor it, because it's quite possibly the best moment in the entire segment. If it's prioritized, it will make for a great gem that will keep things interesting. The other description stuff is ordinary and good enough to support the big moment where he sees the barn. Though it is kind of uninteresting, but most things are uninteresting. Change the pacing around the barn scene, but don't change anything else.

And that is all I have to say. This is just my opinion, I'm no expert by any means, and you shouldn't take my word as law or something like that. I also grade honestly because for some reason letter grades are always kinder than straight-out critiques. I hope you find this useful, and good luck in your writing escapades.




Feltrix says...


I appreciate the honest reviewing, no matter how ruthless it is (that's a complement). Have you read the previous chapters? Because this isn't when the insanity is introduced. I understand that it may come off as abrupt even if it was introduced before, but I just wanted to make sure.



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Sun Mar 12, 2017 10:04 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi, Feltrix! I'm here to review your ninth chapter.

Your description of the village definitely spooked me out--and Corso as well.

The transition from the village to the forest was a bit unclear. I would have liked more "how" Corso ran away from the village. It's as if she teleported from the village to the forest.

The whole chapter was written pretty nicely, but I would have liked to know more of the air of the forest--the aura--what's the forest like. And perhaps, instead of a long string of thoughts, action between could have improved it slightly.

I liked the scene between Corso and the man (who is probably an elf too :)). When Corso mentioned Laryn and Taanyth, though, the man might say their identity or something like that. This is a tiny nitpick so if you don't to, you can just ignore it.

But overall, this chapter was another good one!

From Princess Ink





cron
The blood jet is poetry and there is no stopping it.
— Sylvia Plath