Hello again!
Specifics
1.
I think there are better similes you could use here because a mouse in the middle of the floor isn't that vulnerable - they're fast and very hard to catch. I had gerbils growing up and they got our their cage a few times and were always very hard to chase down! Maybe if it was a mouse in a locked room with a cat then it would fit better but have a think and you may come up with something else entirely.I was exposed and vulnerable, like a mouse in the middle of a floor.
2.
This is one which catches me out sometimes too but 'it's' should only be used for it has or it is - where two words have been contracted. If you want to show possession it would be its without an apostrophe. This has become a common exception to the rule.I stepped back from the house andit’sits eldritch rune, and saw another one.
3.
This is a bit awkward because being dressed in a cloak has nothing in common with where you are - they could be dressed in a cloak and still on top of the wall so the phrasing here which suggests they're not there because they are wearing cloaks doesn't make sense. I think you meant to imply that it's because they'd gone mad but they could be wearing cloaks and not be mad.I dashed up the stairs to the top of the Wall. Only the Nightshroud was allowed up here, but everyone in the Nightshroud were dressed in cloaks at the moment.
4.
Again, I'd suggest dropping the apostrophe in its.This was the highest I’d ever been, only about twenty feet higher than normal, but all of Stratha was sprawled out before me, wrapped by it’s Wall.
5.
Lines like this are really redundant and rarely have a place in a novel because they slow the story down. Don't tell us that the view is going to seem like nothing soon, show us. Describe the next action and Corso's horror/ wonder at it.I noticed something that made the view pale into utter insignificance.
6.
If I didn’t find somewhere safe by nightfall,orI wasn’t sure I’d see the sunrise.
7.
His brown hair was braided down his back, revealing pointed, catlikehearsears.
8. It's not clear if Corso has heard of the people he is looking for before or if he knows who they are. I don't remember if you covered that in the last Corso chapter but even if you did, we need a reminder here of who he's looking for or if he doesn't know then I'd like to see more uncertainty in his thoughts as to their identity.
Overall
This is a pretty solid chapter! There's a nice sense of spookiness about the madness in the village. I'm a little sad he didn't run into his sister or have a final interaction with someone he knew though. It feels like he gets over the wall too easily so you build a nice bit of tension but it doesn't go anywhere because he doesn't meet the final obstacle to leaving which your reader is expecting.
But other than that I thought the content here was good. The pace is perhaps a bit too fast and you'd benefit from sowing down a little and adding a few more descriptions/ character interactions but the atmosphere you build is good and we get to see a little more of how Corso thinks.
See you at the next part!
~Heather
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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