Young Writers Society

Hello again!

And at last, our final (I'm assuming?) main character is introduced. You've done a really great job of bringing in these 4 different people with distinct experiences. They're each clearly living in a different set of experiences, presumably in the same world (or worlds that are reachable by some means from one another) which makes it interesting to go back to each of them because something different will always be happening. That's a strong way to begin!

I'm still thinking about similarity when it comes to personality, though. Alsari and Nyx, in particular, feel really similar to me when I'm reading them. You could have slapped Nyx's name on this chapter and I probably wouldn't have blinked twice. When you have a shared-perspective novel it's so important to make both the experiences and personalities of each character distinct and interesting. You're already halfway there with the experiences: no two characters feel like they could have been combined into one. It's just a matter of their personalities.

I think part of the difficulty you're facing here is that each of these perspectives is from the 1st person pov, which in my experience is so much harder to show personality in. I don't know what it is but despite being literally inside a character's head, it's harder to get a strong feel for who they are. It might have something to do with the character being able to hide things (like emotions or reactions or the way they move their bodies) from the reader, since if they don't want to tell us something they don't have to. With a 3rd person pov, the narrator can tell us anything they want about the main characters because they have more objectivity.

This isn't to say change the pov of your entire novel! Just, pay careful attention to the way you show your characters personalities. You don't have to literally say "Corso is a nice guy always doing nice things, look at him smile he looks so nice!" (mostly because that's an awful sentence) but things like gestures (small movements characters make when they think or talk or move about their world) and facial expressions and even passing thoughts/reactions. I imagine Corso would react differently to killing someone than Nyx or Alsari would.

Distinct characters will really make this story come alive. Otherwise, the plot is still holding strong and I'm eager to read on.

Keep writing!

Another new character! This is perhaps a few too many for so early on now - I'd suggest revisiting a few of the others in between before introducing this one or having a few enter each others' stories.

Specifics

1. You've posted the first paragraph twice - just pointing it out in case nobody else has yet.

2.

I might have stayed there forever if nothing had disturbed me, I was an empty vessel of misery.

My ribs began throbbing painfully and I winced. I pulled up my shirt enough to examine the wound. Already, a bruise blossoming already << Try not t repeat the same word where the thief had kicked me; the ribs were probably broken, fractured at least. I grimaced. I had no idea where to find help.

I felt like tiny bolts of lightning were rocketing around my brain. Pain from the loss of my home, from my broken ribs, and from the humanoid machine overloaded my senses and I blacked out.I opened my eyes. I was standing in an alley just beyond what I assumed was some sort of marketplace.

Hey there Feltrix,

I'm hooked on your stories, so here I am again for another review! If I'm on here for any longer than another 2 hours, remind me that I still have algebra to do.

(No, like, seriously, stop writing so well. It might interfere with my homework)

But all jokes aside, let's hop right into this. Sorry I'm a little late, I'm hoping my review still has some effect and improves your writing as well as mine, but also let's get some more points for Team April!

I overall enjoyed this introduction to Alsari and her powers. To be quite frank, I feel like this wasn't quite as strong as your other three chapters. There wasn't as much brightness to this one, and I feel like that was intentional, but the way you seemed to write didn't just feel like the perspective of a broken girl who lost everything, but rather a distant and disjunct way of writing. So let's get into some specifics and I'll hopefully show you some ways to improve:

Firstly, you repeated the first paragraph twice. Not a big deal, just something to call to your attention so that can be fixed.

Secondly, your description of Alsari's pain seemed mostly like restating what you said in previous lines rather than introducing many new ideas. Instead of simply saying, 'She was miserable and the world around her felt dull,' and rephrasing that idea several times, expand on that by saying 'She was miserable and the world around her felt dull. What had previously given her joy was a vivid reminder of what she had lost, and any feeling of hope or happiness was a dangerous gateway into her fragile mentality.' This suggestion is probably the biggest stretch of anything I recommend, but it could be something to take into consideration.

Thirdly, Alsari's reaction to the kick doesn't seem very realistic. If it was serious enough to possibly fracture a rib, 1) she would immediately react in severe pain, rather than simply brush it off, 2) that would take an incredible amount of power and seems unlikely, judging by what we know about the thief, and 3) would cause Alsari to most likely fall on the ground and drain most of her energy. I'm not referring to magical powers since I don't know how they work and how they're affected, but that would definitely cause some more damage. As such, I would recommend changing this to just a serious bruise but also increasing the seriousness of Alsari's reaction.

Fourthly, I feel that the section where Alsari touches the machine both needs to be expanded, since it's clearly going to be a big part of future installments, but also should be increased in drama. Simply seeing an impressive machine is enough to draw attention, but judging by the serious amounts of both physical and emotional pain that Alsari is experiencing, it would take something a little bit greater than just thinking it looked cool to draw her near it. Due to her possibly broken ribs, that could really impair her movements so she would have to drag herself there, with vivid pain.

But overall, with just a few touchups this could be a really strong introduction to Alsari. I've really enjoyed all of these introductions from the different POVs, and can't wait to see how you bring them all together. You can count on some more reviews coming from me on your future chapters

Best wishes,
MJ

Thank you @PrincessInk and @CrimsonQuill for your ruthless criticism, I really needed that. I'm not being sarcastic, I really mean that. I worried more about this chapter than the rest in terms of writing quality owing to the fact that this chapter has only been revised from the original instead of completely re-written, so I knew it was going to have more flaws. Thanks for the reviews!

Hello, I'm here to review your fourth chapter! I see that you changed Corso's sister's name and moved her old name to here.

I didn't really know much about Alsari, but I end up liking her--at least at the end of the chapter. So far, you're doing a pretty good job of introducing multiple POVs.

I first thought that Alsari was a bit whiny and not that smart, so you need a bit of tweaking if that was not what you intended.

I might have stayed there forever if nothing had disturbed me, wallowing in my pain for eternity.

I looked up slowly. My vision was blurred by tears and staring into my hands so long, but it didn’t matter. “Did you just kick me?” The words came out as a croak; I barely recognized that I was the one who had said them.

“Are you….Are you robbing me?” I said, barely more than a whimper.

Only then did I notice the stabbing pain in my side

Hi there, Feltrix! Crimson here with a review!

I should start by saying that I haven't yet read the prior chapters, so I will deliberately overlook a few things that I feel would make sense if I had, and just say that if there's anything I point out that is essentially rendered a non-image in some way by the information in previous chapters, feel free to ignore it.

That aside, I can be a little over the top in terms of details, so please try to remember that I'm just here to help you polish your skills!

Let's begin.

The first thing that hit me was the sound. People shouting, selling things, moving, arguing, talking. The temperature and smell were unusually unnoticeable. I had been to more places than I liked that stank of things I didn’t like to think about, and the temperature was fairly similar to Karadan’s.

Finally, I opened my eyes I was standing in an alley just beyond what I assumed was some sort of marketplace.

I leaned heavily against a wall and sank to the ground as what had just occurred sank in. My home….My world…. How could it all be gone?

A horrible sensation began in the pit of my stomach, creeping steadily up my chest, through my throat, and escaped from my eyes. Hot tears began to rush down my face and I collapsed into a heap.

Time seemed to pass differently as I sobbed against the wall. Each moment seemed to be an eternity, but hours could have passed and I wouldn’t have noticed. I felt like I was falling through an abyss with no end.

I looked up slowly. My vision was blurred by tears and staring into my hands so long, but it didn’t matter.

“Yes,” said the voice of the man standing over me. He had close cropped hair and a grizzled beard. His beat red face twisted slightly in confusion at the question. Apparently he’d never been asked that before. “Now you’re going to give me your valuables, or I’ll….” He made a smacking motion with his fist.

“Are you….Are you robbing me?” I said, barely more than a whimper.

“Yeeess,” said the voice in a tone clearly stating that the speaker thought I was the slow one.

I looked at myself. My clothes were dirty, ripped, and spotted with blood and my skin was in a similar condition. What could he possibly want from me?

Anyway, after all I’d been through, I wasn’t about to be defeated by a street thug. I gave a hollow laugh and heaved myself to my feet, sending sparks of pain through my side .

“No,” I said, and this time I noticed with some satisfaction that my voice had less croak and more blank statement. That was progress.

“You had your chance!” The thug spat and drew a knife from somewhere, but I was faster.

I felt the cobblestones at my feet and the soil with bedrock deep beneath it. I drew on powers deep within the earth, the very ground beneath us striking him.

The cobblestones around me melded into a spearlike like point, impaling my attacker and pinning him to the other side of the alley. He gurgled pitifully in my direction. I glared at him, feeling no pity or remorse. “Don’t give me that. How many people have you robbed or killed in this alley? How long did you think it would be until someone fought back?”

The thief didn’t show any sign of understanding, which was understandable given that he was suspended a few feet above the ground by a jagged stone spear.

Only then did I notice the stabbing pain in my side. I suspected my ribs were broken. I knew the only real problem in that was the pain. It wouldn’t otherwise hinder me in any way.

I pulled up my shirt enough to examine the wound. I could see a bruise blossoming already where the thief had kicked me. I grimaced. I had no idea where to find help.

Someone skulking at the end of the alley, a figure sticking to the shadows. I pulled my shirt down and moved closer. The person moved closer as well.

I moved closer to examine it, even though every step, every breath was painful.

It had clearly been modeled after humanoids and required technology far beyond anything I had ever seen. Gears and cogs whirred in a well oiled way and I noticed soft blue light emanating from the core.

I felt like tiny bolts of lightning were rocketing around my brain. Pain from the loss of my home, from my broken ribs, and from the humanoid machine overloaded my senses and I blacked out.