Ascension: Thørn 10 (The Myriad book 1)

Quint and I stepped into the open, revealing a courtyard. Soldiers lay sprawled across the street, a few of them getting to their feet. A large stone spike was protruding from the ground.

Just across the courtyard, a massive, crooked tower stretched from the ground, like a stone spike being driven into the sky. A spinning brass orb was mounted on the tip, like it had been stuck on the needlelike point.

The few soldiers that were standing flinched away from me, aiming crossbows in my direction.

A dark haired woman strode over to us. “At ease,” she called, and the crossbows were lowered. They were kept at the ready, though.

“Eira! I’m guessing things didn’t go as planned?” Quint asked.

The woman shook her head. “She doesn’t want to be here,” Eira explained. “We had to put her in the Deadlock.”

“She’ll calm down,” he assured her.

“I don’t know, she seemed pretty angry.”

“Well, I’ve got to bring Mr. Feltrix to see Solar,” Quint said.

Eira regarded me with new interest. “You’re sure this time?” she asked.

“I’m sure.”

I was dying to know what Quint and Eira were thinking, but I knew I couldn’t breach Quint’s mental defenses, and I doubted I could get through Eira’s either. The soldiers, though….I could sense their thoughts from here.

None of them provided any insight into Quint and Eira’s cryptic discussion. They did, however, tell me what had happened on the battlefield. I peered into the mind of a soldier named Manfred.

A girl with short, white hair, alabaster skin, and a blindfold stepped out of a holding cart.

Without warning, Manfred and his companions were tossed through the air by an unseen force. The world spun around him, colors and shapes blurring together, until he landed hard on his side.

When he opened his eyes again, the girl had removed her blindfold, revealing silver eyes filled with rage. She faced off against Eira, who had electricity flickering up and down her form like a human thunderhead. A stone spear leapt from the ground, almost stabbing Eira. At the same time, the girl was struck by a bolt of lightning.

Manfred and the rest of the soldiers moved towards the girl, seeking to aid their commander, but suddenly his armor wasn’t as loose as it had been a second ago. It was shrinking, first immobilizing him, then becoming uncomfortably tight, constricting enough to suffocate Manfred.

He couldn’t inhale. His chest was too tight. He couldn’t breath. Darkness began flickering on the edges of his vision. He was dimly aware that the girl had sunk through the ground, before he lost consciousness.

I withdrew from the memory, and noticed Quint scrutinizing me. “What were you doing?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I replied, just a little too quickly. Quint’s expression changed slightly. He knew it was a lie.

At first, it looked like he was going to reprimand me, but all he said was “Come on.” He lead me toward the tower.

“What happened here?” I whispered as we passed a few moaning soldiers including Manfred.

“You weren’t our only recruit today,” he said. “There was a girl, a geomancer named Alsari the Stoneshaper. And you know what happened when she got out of the carriage better than I do.” He gave me a meaningful look that told me he knew exactly what I’d been doing.

We passed through a wooden door at the base of the tower. Considering the structure it lead into, it was plain. It was little more than a slab of wood with a metal ring set into it.

Quint opened the door, stepping into a dark hallway and turned to me. “Are you coming?” he asked. I followed him into the tower.

Quint lead me down a hallway lined with torches and took a left turn. I followed him through the twisting corridors, endeavoring to keep track of the labyrinthine passages, but I soon lost track and gave up.

“Where are we going?” I asked. It felt like we’d been wandering the halls for hours. How Quint navigated them was a mystery.

“The Head Office,” said Quint. “There’s someone who wants to talk to you.”

“Who?” I’d just gotten here. Who wanted to talk to me?

“The head of the Academy, Regent Kyra Solar,” Quint replied.

We rounded a bend, revealing a door set into the wall. “Why does she want to see me?” I asked.

“She’s the one who ordered me to bring you here,” he said.

I reached for the door, but hesitated. I turned to Quint, but he was gone. A sharp click sounded from the door, but I hadn’t touched it. It drifted open, and a sever voice drifted from the room on the other side. “Don’t just stand there, Feltrix,” it said. “Come in.”

The room was large and circular, and it looked more like a library than anything. Books were crammed into shelves lining the walls, some stacked flat on the tops of others when the shelves were filled. The shelves must have been custom made for the curved walls of this room. Several pillars of books rose from the floor, teetering precariously. Dominating the room was a desk, covered in swirling carvings, climbing across the legs. Someone stood with their back turned to me, hunched over something on the desk.

Quint took his time, didn’t he? The person turned to me. She had pale, blond hair and a stern expression. She wore an azure cloak with a white hourglass emblem sewn onto the shoulder. It took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t hearing the her thoughts, she was using them to talk to me.

My mouth fell open. Oh, come on, Kyra said. You can hear people’s thoughts. You can hear people’s thoughts. I’m using the same type magic to talk to you. Is it that big a stretch?

“How….How did you know?” I asked aloud.

Think about it, because we have more important things talk about, she replied.

“Can we just talk out loud?” I said.

“Don’t get used to it,” she said. I opened my mouth, but Solar silenced me with a glance. “You have lots of questions. I’ll answer some of them, but don’t get your hopes up. But first, we need to discuss the multiverse.”

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review · Fri Jul 14, 2017 7:52 am

Next chapter!

Specifics

1. I think you need something other than the stone spike to be used as a simile in the second paragraph. It comes across as lazy because you've already described an actual stone spike.

2.

A spinning brass orb was mounted on the tip, like it had been stuck on the needlelike point.
This is a little awkward as well because to be mounted on something is the same as to be stuck on something so the simile seems redundant and repetitive. Choose one of the descriptions and run with it, or you could combine the best of both, like: A spinning brass orb was mounted on the tip of the needle. A metaphor works better here anyway as tall pointy buildings are referred to as needles often enough that people will know what you mean.

3. We don't really need to see Alsari's battle again from the soldier's point of view and so far this chapter feels too slow paced so I think you can cut that flashback down significantly. Thorn also seems to be acting very passively. Instead of focusing on the thoughts of others, I think this is a really key time to focus on how Thorn feels about these people and to give us a sense of whether he trusts them or not.

4.
“Where are we going?” I asked. It felt like we’d been wandering the halls for hours. How Quint navigated them was a mystery.
Does that make him worried? Even when I'm going somewhere with a friend, if I get lost I get super nervous about having to rely on them to lead me back to somewhere known again. This links to the question above of whether Thorn trusts them.

5.
I reached for the door, but hesitated. I turned to Quint, but he was gone. A sharp click sounded from the door, but I hadn’t touched it. It drifted open, and a sever severe voice drifted from the room on the other side. “Don’t just stand there, Feltrix,” it said. “Come in.”


6.
The room was large and circular, and it looked more like a library than anything.
This is awkward. If it looks like a library, say it looks like a library. If it's hard to tell what the room looks like, then you can use a statement like this but need to also add that the purpose of the room is't clear and then describe why. From the rest of your description, this room is clearly a library/ study/ office. There's not a lot of ambiguity.

7.
Quint took his time, didn’t he? The person turned to me. She had pale, blond hair and a stern expression. She wore an azure cloak with a white hourglass emblem sewn onto the shoulder. It took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t hearing the her thoughts, she was using them to talk to me.


8.
My mouth fell open. Oh, come on, Kyra said. You can hear people’s thoughts. You can hear people’s thoughts. I’m using the same type of magic to talk to you. Is it that big a stretch?


9.
Think about it, because we have more important things to talk about, she replied.
If they have important things to discuss and shes in a hurry then she should just tell Thorn the answer to get it out of the way. Or tell him to work it out later.

Overall

I'm a bit uncertain about this chapter and I'm not sure why. I think it's hard to get an emotional read on Thorn the whole time and that might be partly it but there's also not much movement in terms of plot - it feels like it's mostly covering old ground with the flashback to Alsari's chapter and then Thorn meets the boss at the end but doesn't get very far in the conversation so we don't really learn anything new about this place or the people who run it. It may be partly that I liked your previous chapter a lot and until this point, Thorn has been perhaps my favourite character (even if I do keep getting his gender wrong) but this chapter didn't give us any insight into how he's feeling or tell us much that's new about his situation.

I hope that give you a few things to think about!

~Heather

User avatar
BluesClues
Review

Okay, I've had this open FOREVER now trying to figure out what to say about it, and I'm still having some trouble. So here's what I can think of that I particularly liked.

One thing was this.

“You weren’t our only recruit today,” he said. “There was a girl, a geomancer named Alsari the Stoneshaper. And you know what happened when she got out of the carriage better than I do.” He gave me a meaningful look that told me he knew exactly what I’d been doing.


Because before this point, when we actually saw Feltrix getting into this poor guy's head, I was like, "The guy would presumably feel this, right?" So I was glad to see that yes, he did, but evidently he was more or less okay with it. Although that actually caught me off-guard a little, because personally I think I'd feel kind of violated if someone just read my thoughts without permission. Just something to think about.

I also liked this.

It took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t hearing the her thoughts, she was using them to talk to me.

My mouth fell open.


Since Feltrix can kind of delve into people's heads but in the example above saw pictures, it also made sense to me that at first he didn't quite realize that she was actually speaking to him via mindmeld, and then he was like, "Whaaaaaat???" I know he wanted to know if they could speak aloud, but let's face it, there are obvious advantages to being able to discuss important and covert issues telepathically.

Oh, also I thought the delving into the one soldier's memories of what had happened was done very well. Normally I don't like italics used for anything bigger than thoughts or the occasional line of dialogue in stories, but I thought the way you used it was actually an appropriate use - not a flashback or a scene entirely from someone else's perspective, but memories filtering through someone other than the narrator. That worked really well.

User avatar
PrincessInk
Review

Okay, I'm reviewing your tenth chapter now :)

( A little note: sorry for confusing Corso as a she)

I was kind of confused when you used "battlefield". I guess you meant it as a metaphor or something like that.

I also thought that maybe the people around would be extremely careful around Thorn because of Alsari's incident. And I was also wondering what happened to the guy who put Alsari in a coma.

I would have also liked to have a little physical description of Kyra. Just the important features or something like that. It also seems as though Kyra Solar can understand Thorn? She also can communicate telepathically? Or simply she thinks her thoughts for Thorn to read and then expects Thorn to answer out loud? I was rather confused.

But overall, this chapter was engaging with an interesting cliffhanger and I'm looking forward like I said already at least eight times to read your next chapter. Keep writing!

Princess Ink



Gravity was a mistake.
— Till Nowak