z

Young Writers Society



Ascension: Nyx 7 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


Sword points are not generally something I want shoved in my face. Nevertheless, here was one barely an inch from my nose.

“I’m not an assassin,” I said, pushing the sword gently out of the vicinity of my head with my gauntleted hand. “I’m not a mercenary. I’m not a bounty hunter. I don’t kill people for money.”

“You misunderstand,” the Harbinger drawled. “You won’t get paid.”

“You should also know,” I half whispered. “That swords aren’t the best motivators for me.”

I ducked, rolling to the right in preparation for an attack while tossing a lightning bolt at the Harbinger. He anticipated my attack and sidestepped the strike, but my hair rose around my head from the electricity and my gauntlet fizzled unhappily. That wasn’t a good sign.

“You know this won’t end well for you,” he said, voice full of barely disguised excitement.

“I could say the same,” I replied.

“I suppose you could,” he admitted. “But that wouldn’t make it true.” He leapt forward, his platinum sword trailing an ethereal light. He was fast, inhumanly fast, but I still managed to block his conjured blade on my gauntlet. This wasn’t the first time I’d dueled with non-humans.

I twisted, dislodging the sword and freeing my arm while aiming a kick at the Harbinger. His weight of his attack carried him right into my boot, which knocked him back a few steps.

“I’ve seen things that could kill you with a thought, things that are above time!” he roared. “Do you really think you can beat me?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, big whoop,” I muttered. I was trying to figure out where I could get charcoal. There were trace amounts of potassium nitrate and sulfur in the ground, but I needed charcoal. If I got charcoal, I could turn the cobblestones into black powder. Judging from the ominous fizzing coming from my gauntlet, it only had one or two good blasts of fire before it short circuited. “Now, if you’d just be quiet….”

The Harbinger didn’t move, but I felt the temperature plummet abruptly. At first it felt like nothing more than a draft, but soon I could see my breath in billowy clouds, which I was pretty sure wasn’t normal for summer on Alaran.

He made a throwing motion with his right hand, and a spear of ice materialized already in motion. It shattered when it came into impact with my gauntlet, but the force knocked me off balance. Now I realized that the oversized icicle had a hidden purpose. The joints in my gauntlet were frozen, leaving it completely immobilized. The dead weight combined with the force of the ice spear’s momentum was enough to knock me to the ground. I tried to summon a fireball, but I couldn’t force the frozen fingers of the gauntlet into the trigger position. That meant no fire and no lightning.

The Harbinger sauntered towards me, a look of mock disappointment plastered onto what I could see of his face. “Really? A little ice is all it takes to stop Nyx the Alchemist?” I rolled my eyes. I hated it when someone other than me was gloating. When I didn’t respond, the Harbinger continued. “Now, back to my request. You’re going to kill Corso Ghostfire. If he’s not dead in two weeks, you will be.”

“Look, it’s pretty obvious that you’re stronger than me,” I snarled. “Why don’t you do it? And who is this Corso, anyway?”

The Harbinger didn’t answer, just gave me a cold smile. The edges of his form began to fray, splitting at the edges like an old tapestry. With a flash of light, he vanished.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I draped myself on the couch and stared at the ceiling while picking at the burn holes in the fabric. I always went to my lab to think. Pieces of my gauntlet lay sprawled across the table, but I hadn’t made a move to repair it. I’d had to deconstruct it to fix the lightning setting and insert the last ingredient which I’d stolen from the tower on Alaran. For once, though, I didn’t feel like tinkering with it. I had a difficult dilemma to work at.

On the one hand, I could just kill Ghostfire, job done. Except it wasn’t. The Harbinger had promised to kill me if I didn’t do as he asked, and he was powerful enough to do it, too. But then he would realize that he could push me around which I didn’t want anyone to realize. And if he realized that, he’d continue to use me as his personal thug, the very thought of which filled me with dread.

On the other hand, I could decide not to kill Ghostfire and carry on with my life until the Harbinger caught up with me and tried to kill me. I could set a trap for him, or run away, but a trap was risky and running had unpleasant side effects like extreme paranoia.

I looked around my lab, at the empty terrariums and test tubes full of bubbling liquids. As I surveyed the room, one of my beakers exploded with a muted pop, spraying viscous fuschia liquid in every direction. This was a common occurrence, so I watched the drops burn holes in the creaky floorboards. My lab was starting to look like a dalmatian, but there was no place on any world that I’d rather be.

I swung my legs off the couch. Regardless of my decision, I’d need my gauntlet in working order. I mixed the frost giant’s blood into the centrifuge of my gauntlet and began tinkering with the lightning channeler.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Half an hour later, I tucked a lock of red hair behind my ear and looked at the finished gauntlet. I hadn’t managed to repair the lightning setting. One of the parts had short circuited and been reduced to a melted piece of scrap metal, but it could be replaced.

The simplicity of working on machinery was calming; it cleared my mind. I decided that I needed more information on the Harbinger before I could make a decision. And for that, much as I hated the idea, meant contacting him.

I slipped my gauntlet on and felt the familiar leather slide back into place.

I needed more information on the Harbinger before I could attempt to defeat him, and who better give me information than the Harbinger himself? Finding the Harbinger and getting information out of him wasn’t going to be easy. I couldn’t just interrogate him, so I’d need a plan, and if I wanted to contact him, I’d need magic. I wasn’t very good at magic, alchemists didn’t need to be, but soon I’d need everything I had. I’d also need to coax answers out; I wasn’t ready to cross swords with him again. The Harbinger was dangerous, so I needed to find his weaknesses and fast. If I couldn’t then I wouldn’t have any choice but to kill Corso Ghostfire.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 61

Donate
Fri May 05, 2017 11:17 pm
Feltrix says...



@Rydia, I have replying problems, so I'm replying up here. I don't really know how to solve the gender problem. I don't feel like conveying a deeper sense of the characters personality fixes this problem (sure, it's an all-around good thing, but that's not the point.) This problem eventually gets solved when all of the characters meet up, but until then, I don't want my readers visualizing my characters in the wrong genders. For future reference, Corso and Thørn are male, Nyx and Alsari are female. Yeah, two and two. Anyway, thanks for the reviews!




Rydia says...


Whoops, I didn't realise Thorn was a boy! Describing them can help - like if they have long hair or soft hands or small, dainty feet. These kind of things usually - but not always - point to gender. You're right that getting personalities cleared up doesn't always help because gender is a very fluid thing and a character shouldn't have to be girly to be a girl or vise versa. The way other characters interact with them can help as well - like someone saying 'excuse me miss' quite early in the first chapter or even 'you're a strange young ma aren't you?'

This tends to be how it's done in a first person narrative - through another character's eyes.

I hope that helps!



User avatar
561 Reviews


Points: 31500
Reviews: 561

Donate
Tue May 02, 2017 2:49 am
View Likes
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Feltrix! Man, your stories are amazing! For this review, I'm going to basically nitpick since I saw a couple small sections that could be improved. I think the other reviewers covered most of the if points and I want to give you some new material to mull over. So without further ado:

payed

Yeah, ir's paid, not payed. . . Just a little typo to correct.

barely -disguised excitement[\quote] There's no need for a dash here. Barely disguised excitement works just fine. :)

Now, if you'd just be quite
Here, it took me a reread to realize that Nyx was thinking here and not speaking out loud. I would put a single quotation mark around this phrase to show that he is thinking, not speaking.

he stated

It doesn't really seem right to say 'he stated'. The Harbinger is speaking in a more frustrated and angry tone, and he stated doesn't really convey that anger and makes it seem like a casual aside rather than an angry outburst. As such, I would use a word like 'snarled' or 'boasted' to show more emotion.

looking mildly disappointed

I would add in some indication of sarcasm here because that's the feeling I get here. The Harbinger doesn't seem to be really disappointed, just sarcastically pretending as a way of gloating about his victory.

I think a bit more needs to be said before you jump to the scene in the lab. Skipping over the transportation part is fine, but why is he in a lab? What's going on? This scene is pushing past a mysterious and suspenseful air and leading into more of a confusing and disconnected section, with little to no familiar signs.

one of the parts had been fried
There should be some sort of conjunction here, something like 'as' or 'seeing as' for grammatical and general movement purposes.

This last paragraph really takes a different tone than the rest of the paragraphs. There's too much unfounded confidence in Nyx's tone to really be believable. Before, he was considering his options and realizing that there were huge downsides to each option. Now, he suddenly has a surge of confidence and thinks he can take down the Harbinger 1-on-1. This change should be a little more precedented, in my opinion.

Overall, great writing! I love how the plot is developing and how we're seeing more of each person's character, even when the story isn't from their POV. Can't wait to read more!

Best wishes,
MJ




User avatar
2631 Reviews


Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631

Donate
Sun Apr 30, 2017 10:10 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Okay just one more since my team are still 1000 points behind and I want to give us every possible chance of winning xD

Specifics

1.

I twisted, dislodging the sword and freeing my arm while aiming a kick at the Harbinger. His weight carried him right into my boot, which knocked him back a few steps.
This reads a little oddly - what do you mean by his weight? Did he lunge forward at that moment? Do you mean his momentum?

2.
I tried to summon a fireball, but [color=red]my I couldn’t force the frozen fingers of the gauntlet into the trigger position. That meant no fire and no lightning.


3. I feel like Nyx needs to ask the question of why the Harbinger doesn't kill Ghostfire himself if he's so strong. That's a really key piece of the puzzle for me and definitely something I'd be turning over in my head.

4. Does it worry her that one of the test tubes just popped? Is this normal - are they supposed to? It seems a bit random and unless it has some significance for later it's probably a distraction from the main part of the story which you don't need. Some general description of the lab is nice but things actively exploding feels odd.

5.
The simplicity of working on machinery was calming. It cleared my mind. What I’d finally decided was that I needed more information on the Harbinger before I could make a decision. And for that, as much as I hated the idea, meant contacting him.
This is really fragmented - I think it should read 'And for that, much as I hated the idea, I had to contact him.'

6. There's no sense of whether Nyx knows who Corso is or how she knows him or if she likes him and I feel those are all really key details and things that she would acknowledge when asked to kill him.

Overall

I'm still struggling to tell if Nyx is male or female and I think that's partly because your storytelling is a bit distant from the characters. Corso is clearly male and I'm pretty definite Thorn is a girl and you told us already about Alsari but I really have no clue about Nyx. Part of me wants to say boy but I think that's just because I've come to expect people to write balanced stories with the whole 2 boys 2 girls thing these days. It seems to be the done thing, which is weird because it was so often three boys and one girl when I was younger. I remember being so crazy delighted when I found a series with three girls and a boy.

Anyway, I digress!

The plot moves a little quickly here for such a short chapter and we don't get enough time to dwell on those really big revelations - that the Harbinger wants Corso dead and that Nyx seems to be considering it. I think Nyx could ask a few more questions to try to stall for giving an agreement - and do they agree in the end or only say they'll consider it? That conversation seems pretty unfinished when Nyx goes back to the lab.

Does Nyx care if Corso dies? I think this is one of the big questions you need to address in this chapter but for the most part interesting things are happening and we're starting to see how the characters tie together so that's good!

~Heather




User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 61

Donate
Sun Apr 23, 2017 9:45 pm
View Likes
Feltrix says...



For some reason, my replying is wonky, so I'll write it up here. @Lumi, I'm glad you enjoyed this! I agree, pacing is my biggest flaw. And, since this has come up before, Nyx and Alsari are female, Corso and Thørn are male.




Lumi says...


Sweet! Pacing can be fixed with practice and patience--but it ultimately boils down to something like the tempo of a song. You get a feel of how quickly the characters, action, and dialogue will move, and that'll be the starting point of getting your time straight.

And I'll keep their genders in mind! This is definitely one I plan on latching onto.



User avatar
745 Reviews


Points: 1626
Reviews: 745

Donate
Sun Apr 23, 2017 7:48 pm
View Likes
Lumi wrote a review...



So this is the first of this story that I've read or decided to review, as you're well aware--but I'm loving it. I'll likely jump to Entry No. 1 and go through properly, but I wanted to rescue you from the green room, so I'll be giving general advice and impressions on what stood out.

First off, some pacing issues. You know how there's a thin line in combat scenes between good combat dialogue and posturing? There's also a thin line between good combat dialogue and empty fight sequences. Let's call the breaks for dialogue we want respites, as that's what the word essentially means: a break. During Nyx's fight with the Harbinger, I believe this would be an excellent opportunity to drop some seeds of lore for things of which Nyx is yet ignorant. Not blatantly, not while posturing, but something to flavor the text and give it a bit of something-something that's currently lacking. As of now, the fight just breezes through, and while the sequence and mechanics are delicious and fresh, the scene is short, and the only words given (particularly from a supposed magician to an Alchemist who must use science and math to operate his powers, and to whom a distraction would be horrid) this tactic of manipulation isn't used at all. It was a bit of a let-down.

The pacing issues go on further, as immediately after the fight, we find ourselves in Nyx's lab, which confused me at first. There's no bonus spacing, no page break indication to show that the scene has changed. An easy fix on revision. But here is where I really enjoyed the installment: we get to see Nyx at their (what is Nyx's gender?) lab where it's clear from the TONE of the narrative that they feel at home. We even get internal dialogue while things are burning holes in the floor! And glimpses into tactics and apprehensions! I quite enjoyed this, but my answer to Nyx is that they'll ultimately find a way to do both, or at least incapacitate the Harbinger. A scientist finds a way!

I hope these notes help, and I can't wait to read more of this. It's a heavily enjoyable story.
Ty




User avatar
373 Reviews


Points: 46306
Reviews: 373

Donate
Fri Mar 03, 2017 3:05 pm
View Likes
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Okay, I'm here with another review. The pace seems to be picking up for the story!

I have a little nitpick here:

“I’m not an assassin,” I said, pushing the sword gently out of the vicinity of my head with my gauntleted hand. “I’m not a mercenary. I’m not a bounty hunter. Ergo, I don’t kill people for money.”


I know Ergo means therefore in Latin and if you meant "therefore", just write "therefore". In this case, mixing languages is confusing.

“You know this won’t end well for you,” he said, voice full of barely- disguised excitement. He was enjoying this.


You don't need the last sentence. If you said he was excited, I can definitely tell he's enjoying this.

Now I'm wondering why the Harbinger wants Corso to die. I think it's because of the curse. I'm starting to feel as if the Harbinger is the villain of this story--maybe because my favorite character is actually Corso ^_^

I think you need a scene break after the Harbinger told her to kill Corso. I had to read the paragraphs after twice to understand that Nyx is probably in a different location. I actually disagree that Nyx had "moral struggle"; it's more like a dilemma. I think Nyx is considering how to survive rather than thinking about morals.

I slipped my gauntlet on and felt the familiar leather slide back into place. I’d originally used velvet, but that had worn off over time.


I don't think you need the part about velvet--that is unless, mentioning that will be important later in the story.

Overall, this chapter was paced well and with the right amount of description and I really enjoyed reading it.

From Princess Ink




Feltrix says...


I like Corso, too, but Nyx is actually my favorite to write.




"My spelling is wobbly. It's good spelling, but it wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
— A.A. Milne