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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Nyx 11 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


This was a bad plan. An awful plan, really. So many things could go wrong. I chalked a final symbol down on my circle. It had taken years of practice before I’d stopped drawing ovals. I grimaced; no matter how bad the plan was, it was better than nothing.

I brushed a lock of hair behind my ear and cracked my knuckles. This was going to be tricky, as it involved magic. I was rubbish at magic, which was generally fine, because I was an alchemist. Alchemists didn’t need much magic. Right now, I needed all the magic I could get.

The pages of the battered book were yellowed with age and brittle, and some of the handwriting was hard to make out. I sincerely hoped I was reading it right, because if I wasn’t, the circle would explode. Again.

I traced the symbols with the saliva of a truffahorn, layering the inner circle with powdered red spire mushroom cap. I was pretty sure it wasn’t red shire mushroom. If it was supposed to be red shire mushroom….well, I was going to have a problem. But that was just a risk I was going to have to take.

I knelt and pressed my palms against the circle summoning my magic. The concentric circles and runes began glowing, pulsing with a sickly green light. It needed more magic. I squeezed my eyes shut and concentrated. I only needed a little more magic to complete the spell. I strained harder, calling on the last dregs of my magic.

The light began to stabilize, turning deep red and casting fiery light on the walls. White smoke billowed from the ground, coalescing into legs, a body, arms, a head.

“Well,” the Harbinger murmured. “I have to admit it. This was not what I expected.”

“Sorry for, um, summoning you, but I need to ask you some questions,” I said. My instincts were telling me to outright interrogate the Harbinger. Why don’t you just kill Corso yourself? I wanted to ask, as well as a million other questions, but I had to remain submissive. “About this….mission you sent me on. I couldn’t think of any other way to contact you.”

“I see.” The Harbinger flicked the air in front of him, creating a ripple outwards. “And what does the shield charm have to do with it?”

“Er….” I was hoping he wouldn’t notice that until I needed it. “Safety precaution. You understand.”

“Of course I understand,” the Harbinger replied. Uh-oh. “I understand everything perfectly.” In my experience, that was never a good sign. “You don’t trust me.” Honestly, I’d expected worse. “It’s understandable, but I can’t help but be just a little bit insulted.” That’s not good. “But that’s okay. You don’t have to trust me.”

The Harbinger placed his hand against the force field, creating a small disturbance in the air. His palm began to glow, bright light streaming out of it, burning through the shield charm. I’d seen people heal with light magic, but this was different light. It was harsh and burning. I was forced to look away from the blinding light tearing its way through my carefully crafted shield charm.

“Well, can’t say I didn’t see that coming,” I muttered. “I don’t want a fight.” That protest was halfhearted at best. The Harbinger was out, and if he tried to fight me, I’d have to try to kill him, even if I didn’t get any answers. Not knowing beat dying.

“Nyx, you can’t really be so naïve, can-” I launched a fireball at the Harbinger, hitting him directly in the chest and launching him across the room. He slammed into the wall and slid to the floor like a discarded doll.

The Harbinger’s eyes opened and his nostrils flared. His hands crackled with power. “You know, this might all be one big understanding,” I said.

The Harbinger through out his hand, launching a spear of light towards me. It passed through me and hurled me backwards. The spear stuck into the wall, leaving me hanging over the floor like an insect in a glass case. The impact knocked the breath out of me as I was left dangling just off the ground. Agony flared from my wound. The spear faded from existence and I fell to the ground. I checked the wound and found that there wasn’t one. I wasn’t dying. The spear hadn’t been real.

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, but the memory was still there, the memory of being run through.

The Harbinger looked down on me. “I can make it last, you know,” he drawled. “Death. I’ve never killed anyone before, but it can’t be too hard. People die all the time.”

“You’ve never killed someone?” I asked. I flicked my gauntlet setting fire to a fuse. I watched the trail of fire snake across the wall, before disappearing into the ceiling. The ceiling above the Harbinger exploded, burying him under a pile of bricks. “Well, that makes one of us.”

I dashed away from the pile of rubble. Intuition told me that something as insignificant as ceiling matter wasn’t going to eliminate the Harbinger. The fact that he was screaming curses reinforced this theory.

I began scaling the ladder leading out of my lab. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to do this, but the Harbinger had left me no option. Once I got far enough away, I could activate the failsafe. I could remotely detonate the explosives under, around, and in my lab, leaving nothing but a smoking crater. Even the Harbinger couldn’t survive that.

I was almost to the trap door, but as I reached for the handle, a layer of ice blanketed the surface. I was trapped. The Harbinger had managed to free himself from the pile quicker than I’d expected.

“I’m done playing games, Alchemist,” the Harbinger snarled. “Kill Corso in one week or your life is forfeit.”


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Sat Jul 15, 2017 10:59 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi again!

Specifics

1.

This was a bad plan. An awful plan, really. So many things could go wrong. I chalked a final symbol down on my circle. It had taken years of practice before I’d stopped drawing ovals. I grimaced; no matter how bad the plan was, it was better than nothing.
This paragraph is really choppy to read because you have too many short/ middle-short sentences. There needs to be more variation here - perhaps at least one long sentence to break it up.

2.
The pages of the battered book were yellowed with age and brittle, and some of the handwriting was hard to make out. I sincerely hoped I was reading it right, because if I wasn’t, the circle would explode. Again.
This paragraph is much better and I just wanted to highlight it as a really good example of a short sentence being used effectively.

3.
I knelt and pressed my palms against the circle summoning my magic. The concentric circles and runes began glowing, pulsing with a sickly green light. It needed more magic. I squeezed my eyes shut and concentrated. I only needed a little more magic to complete the spell. I strained harder, calling on the last dregs of my magic.
The repetition of magic here is really awkward - I'd suggest replacing one with power.

4.
The Harbinger through threw out his hand, launching a spear of light towards me.


Overall

For someone who's not great at magic, Nyx doesn't have much trouble throwing fire around so maybe it's a specific type of magic she's not good at- spell magic or summoning magic? It may leave the reader less confused if you're more specific there.

Other than that, this was a fun chapter. I think Nyx is very foolhardy but it's an almost endearing trait in her and while it's frustrating that she didn't open with asking why the harbinger doesn't kill Corso himself, the battle scene is at least really fun. It does leave me thinking she should have at least tried to ask him though since that was her reason for summoning him and it seems like killing him was more her back-up. Especially since the harbinger's threat if she doesn't kill Corso is to kill her so that would make me worried that Corso is clearly more powerful if this big scary guy is happy to threaten her life directly but won't go up against Corso.

That's all I have for this one. See you at the next chapter!

~Heather




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Sun Apr 30, 2017 1:11 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



This was so much fun to read. I found all of this so amusing.

This was going to be tricky, as it involved magic. I was rubbish at magic, which was generally fine, because I was an alchemist. Alchemists didn’t need much magic. Right now, I needed all the magic I could get.


I sincerely hoped I was reading it right, because if I wasn’t, the circle would explode. Again.


was pretty sure it wasn’t red shire mushroom. If it was supposed to be red shire mushroom….well, I was going to have a problem. But that was just a risk I was going to have to take.


I just really enjoyed the idea that Nyx is an alchemist and therefore not great at magic. "But I kind of need to be great at magic right now, so hopefully I'm doing all this right." It was just such a laugh. And it didn't even die away with the action, even though there was definitely danger and suspense.

There's one thing I questioned, though. Which was because of this.

“Sorry for, um, summoning you, but I need to ask you some questions,” I said. My instincts were telling me to outright interrogate the Harbinger. I had to remain submissive. “About this….mission you sent me on. I couldn’t think of any other way to contact you.”


So Nyx has some questions for the Harbringer, but then there's kind of a battle and Nyx tries to kill the Harbringer without so much as asking a single question. Which, to be fair, yes, they all got distracted when the Harbringer realized there was a magical shield protecting Nyx. BUT STILL. I considered the fact that maybe Nyx summoned the Harbringer with the intent to kill him, but then there's that "my instincts told me to outright interrogate him," which makes it sound like there were questions and no beating around the bush about them. Maybe Nyx was just trying to stall by asking questions, but in that case it seems like it would've made more sense to kill the Harbringer as quickly as possible instead of giving him time to discover and break through the shield, right?

So anyway, that was something that confused me about this chapter. Although I also feel like it might have made sense if I had read whatever the last chapter was that Nyx narrated. That also occurred to me. But then there's just that line about outright interrogation.

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Feltrix says...


I love writing Nyx. In one of Terry Pratchett's books, they have first, second, and third thoughts. First thoughts alert you of a problem, second tells you what to do to get out of the problem, and third is off-task all the time. For instance, if you're about to be crushed by a boulder, first thoughts are thinking "Oh, no. A boulder." Second thoughts say "I should get out of the way." Third thoughts are saying "This is just like Indiana Jones!" Nyx is basically thinking third thoughts all the time, and I love it.



BluesClues says...


It just makes it so much more realistic that way, too, because let's face it, we're all kind of stupid exactly that way in real life, but book characters hardly ever do that. (I should really read that Terry Pratchett book that's gathering dust on my shelf.)



Feltrix says...


Wee Free Men is a great series.



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Thu Mar 30, 2017 3:29 am
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi--reading the latest installment of your novel! This really picked up the pace and I'm excited for what will happen to Nyx and Corso.

I have several problems here. First of all, I don't understand why Nyx would attack him even if she was defeated once. She seems really wily and I don't really feel she would take a chance to attack him. But then, that's what's spurred the Harbinger to lose his temper, so removing the fighting scene may not be so helpful. But I would like it if Nyx's reason to fight was more obvious.

The Harbinger’s reply was cut off by a strangled cry.


This is a passive sentence. Active sentences are better than passive unless you have a specific reason to do so. I think it would be better here if you wrote this instead:

A strangled cry cut off the Harbinger's reply.


And because it's Nyx'x POV, it felt odd that I didn't learn about her actions until after the Harbinger fell, right? That is, unless she's an unreliable narrator or something like that. And then

My gauntlet had launched a fireball at him, hitting the Harbinger directly in the chest and launching him across the room.


This sounds like the gauntlet, not Nyx, had done it. So better have Nyx do it, rather than make it seem her gauntlet did it.

It passed through me, and I was knocked back and stuck into the wall like an insect in a glass case. The breath was knocked out of me as I was left dangling just off the ground.


Okay, sorry for the nitpick but this is another set of passive sentences. Try rewriting it as this:

It passed through me and knocked me back, pinning me against the wall like an insect in a glass. The impact knocked the breath out of me as I was left dangling just off the ground.


At the end of the chapter, I actually have no idea what's happened to the Harbinger. When he yelled at Nyx, I was wondering: Is he still under the rubble? Out? Where? Maybe if you let Nyx look down or something, she might know where exactly he was.

Overall, the action was fast-paced and I like it that way. I did include some suggestions here, but as I'm not an experienced reviewer, please take it with a grain of salt. I hope you have a great day and I'm excited for the next chapter!

~Princess Ink~




Feltrix says...


I read On Writing by Steven King not too long ago, and it said that passive sentences are basically the embodiment of evil. The problem is, I can't figure out how to tell active sentences from passive ones, so, thanks for pointing that out!




The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler