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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Corso 33 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


"Grix,” I said, echoing Nyx’s exclamation.

“Oh, come on,” the Harbinger- or was it the Alok?- said. “Is this really that surprising? Oh, come on, Corso, I left the mark of the Maelstrom all over your little town and then did the same thing in the elven village. I thought you’d figure it out when I let that old elf see me. I brought you and Nyx together. I-”

“You told her to kill me!” I interrupted.

“And here you are now. It all worked out.”

At last, Laryn stepped through the portal.

“Is this the Alok?” he asked. “Why are you two just standing here?”

In a blur of motion, the Harbinger threw something at Laryn. There was a flash of light and he crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

“He wasn’t supposed to be here,” the Harbinger explained.

There was a brief moment of silence where I stared at Laryn. Nyx, however, was unconcerned.

“That symbol…” Nyx said. “You called it ‘the mark of the Maelstrom.’”

“Mm.”

“It’s… the Eternals’ symbol, though, isn’t it?”

The Harbinger gave a soft chuckle. “Nyx the Alchemist. You have no idea what you’re being dragged into.”

“How are you related to the Eternals?” Nyx said. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel. I’d been expecting a terrifying showdown with an unknown force, but now I was just confused. Nyx, on the other hand, was driven to find out what was going on, not looking concerned at all.

“It’s how you’re related to them that’s more interesting,” he said.

“You’ve been working towards this moment for almost a month. Planning, shaping people’s actions. What do you gain from this?”

“The plan was never mine. Neither was the end benefit.”

“You serve the Eternals,” Nyx said.

“I serve Phyrza the Hooded, yes.”

“So, what does he want?”

The Harbinger chuckled again but said nothing.

“Alright, so you won’t answer that, but up until now, you’ve been almost chatty. Why?”

“Don’t you see, Nyx? It doesn’t matter anymore. My part in this story is almost over. But you and Corso are just beginning yours. You should be honored, if that’s something you worry about.”

“It’s not,” Nyx said.

“The Eternals had the whole of the Myriad to choose from, and they chose you four.”

“Us four?” I interjected. “For what?”

“You’re going to meet Thørn and Alsari soon, don’t worry. You won’t have to wait long for answers.”

“So, the Eternals orchestrated all this, brought me and Corso together, drove his town mad, had you capture elves, just to have us meet with these Thørn and Alsari?”

“Yes.”

“Who are they?”

“Nyx,” I said. “The elves… where are they?”

“They’re just through there,” the Harbinger said, nodding at another cave passage. “And unharmed. Unconscious, actually. But unharmed. Taanyth and Laryn will also be fine.” I glanced at the pile of robes at the Harbinger’s feet. I had almost forgotten Taanyth was here. “You can bring them back if you want.”

“That’s it?” I asked. “You did all this just to get me and Nyx in this place and then let us leave with the elves? I sort of understand that you want us to meet up with these other people, but why are you doing all this?”

“Because it’s not quite over.” The Harbinger pulled a sword from the air. “This is a test. To make sure you’re ready for what comes next.”

Nyx was the first to respond. A bolt of lightning lit the cave, flying from her gauntlet to the Harbinger’s chest. He was thrown backwards with enough force to knock down a stalagmite, but he just stood up and wiped a trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Corso,” Nyx said. “Do something violent.” She launched another bolt of lightning, but he was too fast this time and it slammed into the stone wall.

“Right, right,” I said. Hands fumbling, I drew my sword, a balanced weight in my hand I had yet to become accustomed to.

“You go right, I’ll go left,” Nyx said. I nodded, and we diverged in our separate paths toward the Harbinger. He watched us, unconcerned by our steady approach.

Nyx, the Harbinger, and I were in a line now, I had my sword in one hand and I was ready to conjure fire with the other. For a moment nothing happened, and then I attacked. A bolt of flames flew from my hand at the Harbinger, but he was already in motion. Rolling to the right, the fire seared past him and towards Nyx. She threw up an icy barrier that dissipated when it came in contact with the fire, but the damage had been done. The Harbinger lept at her and knocked her to the ground.

I dashed forward, cursing my mistake. A bolt of lightning flashed over the Harbinger’s shoulder. For a moment I thought that Nyx had missed him from just feet away, but the lighting hit a stalactite dangling over the Harbinger’s head. The blast dislodged it and a stone pillar plummeted towards him, but he threw himself to the side and avoided being skewered.

“Really, Nyx? That trick was a little cliché, don’t you th-”

The Harbinger’s criticism was cut off when I swung my sword at his face. He leaned raised his own sword to block it, displaying incredible reflexes. I backpedaled, wary of entering a sword fight with the Harbinger alone. Nyx climbed to her feet.

“That’s the second fireball you’ve thrown at me this month, you idiot,” she said.

“This is not the time,” I said, my eyes not leaving the Harbinger. He wasn’t moving, though. He seemed content to let us attack him.

“Really? Most of the fights I end up in involve a surprising amount of talking,” Nyx replied.

The Harbinger, bored with our talking, began strolling toward us. As he came, the temperature began to drop. Soon, our breathing was visible as icy clouds in the air and a thin layer of ice coated the rocky walls and pillar like stones protruding from the cave.

“Corso,” Nyx said. “Don’t let him freeze this place. He has powerful cryomancy; it’s what he used to beat me the last two times we’ve fought.”

“Cryomancy?”

Nyx rolled her eyes. “Ice magic, but that’s not the point. Make heat.”

I nodded, and willed my magic outwards. As I willed heat into being, I heard Nyx muttering something that sounded an awful lot like ‘clueless’ under her breath. To my surprise, my efforts to stop the Harbinger were working. Ice was dissipating, and as it was, the Harbinger looked almost uncertain.

The temperature had stabilized, but it was taking its toll on me. I was locked in a battle of magic and willpower with the Harbinger, and it was exhausting. The strain of the contest was as tiring as any amount of physical activity I had ever done.

Nyx was taking advantage of the opening I was providing. She sent a relentless barrage of lightning and fire at the Harbinger as well as displaying impressive skill at hand to hand combat. I had never seen Nyx fight without holding back before, and it was clear that when we had met, Nyx could have killed me in seconds if her heart had been in the task.

The Harbinger was struggling to maintain the mental battle with me and the physical one with Nyx. In fact, she was no doubt the reason I was able to resist the Harbinger for this long.

The battle between me and the Harbinger came to an abrupt stop when my opposition vanished. The Harbinger stopped trying to freeze the cave, and the temperature spiked for a moment before I stopped trying to heat it up. In the same instant, his sword flared with a white light and he slashed downwards towards Nyx. She blocked the blade with her gauntlet, but the strike was enhanced with the Harbinger’s light magic, and Nyx was thrown back.

I rushed at the Harbinger, sword in one hand, flame in the other. Our blades met and this time I didn’t retreat. I swung again, but the Harbinger continued to block my strikes. He swung his sword at my legs, but I managed to block it in time to prevent an amputation. He thrust at my chest, but I parried his blade and reached for his neck with a flaming hand. The Harbinger caught my and at the wrist and ice spread from my fingers. I cried out and dropped my sword as the Harbinger’s frosty fingers seared my arm, burning the skin with cold fire. I gripped his hand, trying to pry it off my arm, but his fingers were locked onto my arm like manacles.

A bolt of electricity arced through the air, slamming into the Harbinger and knocking him to the ground. I dropped to my knees, clutching my burning arm. The Harbinger tried to get up but stopped when Nyx approached, her gauntlet hovering over his heart.

A flash lit the cave as the Harbinger teleported away an instant before a bolt of lightning shot from Nyx’s hand.

“Well,” she said. “That was informative. Should we go get those elves now?”


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Sun Jan 28, 2018 2:59 pm
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Virgil wrote a review...



What's up, Feltrix? This is Kays here dropping in for a review on Review Day. I know that I've read a couple chapters of this here and there--let's see if I can knock this out of the Green Room before somebody else does.

There's a very odd imbalance that I noticed when skimming through the chapter for my first impressions and that's the sudden shift between a very dialogue-heavy scene that takes up the majority of the chapter to very little. What I suggest doing is finding more of a balance to make the reader ease into the fight scene instead of leaping right in. Describing the atmosphere that surrounds the characters and building the tone of the chapter that way is one way to do so.

Build the tension to the fight scene as I found that there's not a lot--I never felt the slightest bit of the concern for the main characters. The chapter's written in a way that sounds like that they've already won the fight which, if that's going to be the case, what's even the point of the fight occurring at all? I do admit that I enjoyed the action in this chapter but there's a difference between this and a great fight scene.

The fight acts as more of an obstacle for the characters to overcome and not a fight between people and their ideals, and that's a bit of a shame. While not every fight needs to be that way, this scene, given the context found in the rest of the chapter, seems important. However, it doesn't feel that way. The characters seem rather calm, especially Nyx, for somebody who's lost to this person twice before. What says that Nyx won't lose again? Is that because Corso is now there to fight with Nyx?

As for the concept of magic taking a toll on the user--I like that idea a lot. With powers in general, the concept of drawbacks and weaknesses or not being able to fully control said power makes a fight infinitely more interesting, but that's only when those weaknesses work as weaknesses and do play a part in the story. How do the characters attempt to get around their weaknesses? Is that even possible? Furthermore, there's a lack of...emotion, towards all that's going on. There's a lot of banter going on between Nyx and Corso and said weaknesses I've been talking about don't seem to play an effect in the outcome.

Add tension. Add emotion. Make the environment, the personalities/emotions, the weaknesses and strengths all play a part!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day!




Feltrix says...


Thanks for the review! I'm definitely going to try to add more tension when I start on the next chapter as @BlueAfrica suggested much the same thing.



Virgil says...


Awesome! c:



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Thu Jan 25, 2018 12:15 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



“Corso,” Nyx said. “Do something violent.”


God I love Nyx.

So. On the one hand, I think the fight scene is pretty good - plenty of action without getting too technical or exact, which is good since something that usually bores me about fight scenes is that I can't picture what's happening when the narrator gets too bogged down in the details of every move every participant makes.

My one complaint about that part is that I never really felt like Nyx and Corso were in danger. I don't know if it's because the captured elves were unharmed and free to go. Or maybe it's because Corso and Nyx walked away without a scratch. Or it could be that the scene needs a little work in the showing vs. telling department, like here.

The temperature had stabilized, but it was taking its toll on me. I was locked in a battle of magic and willpower with the Harbinger, and it was exhausting. The strain of the contest was as tiring as any amount of physical activity I had ever done.


I like that using magic, especially in a fight, takes a toll on people - especially Corso, who is less experienced than Nyx - but I want more detail. What does Corso feel physically as he fights the Harbringer's cryomancy? I don't mean "exhausted" or "strain," but, you know, sweat. Tremors. A headache. What does he feel as this fight goes on?

Prior to the fight, I wanted to scold the Harbringer for falling into the classic villain mistake of monologuing. "Here, let me just tell you my whole plot and who I'm working for, because I'm sure that could in no way backfire on the whole thing." I know it's a Thing Villains Do, but consider: you've just given us this big plot twist where the Harbringer was the Alok all along, but now you're a) having him explain who he works for and the reason he did what he did and b) reducing him from this terrifying force who was kidnapping elves to someone who's letting them all go free because Corso and Nyx are here and together and that's all he wanted.

Like it's fine that that's all he wanted, but I think that would carry more oomph if we didn't find out until later. As soon as they start talking to him, it's like all the tension goes out of the scene because he's like, "Oh, yeah, the elves are fine, I just wanted you guys together."

Dude, it's like he was parent-trapping them or something.

Also, so remember how I didn't really find the plot twist as twisty as it really was because I couldn't remember enough about the Harbringer? That's your disclaimer that you can potentially ignore this last bit. So obviously Nyx and Corso know who the Harbringer is and presumably know him a little bit. I think it would add more tension to the scene if I saw more of how they felt about that. All we get is "Grix!" but then they're so focused on the Evil Plot and the fighting that I don't know how they feel about realizing the Alok is someone they knew and (I think?) trusted or at least wouldn't have guessed was the Alok. Surprised? Betrayed? Angry? So confused they hardly know what to do?

(Well, probably not that last one, because they fight him, especially Nyx.)

So I'd want to see more of that as well.




Feltrix says...


You make a lot of valid points. These changes, like most of the ones you suggest, probably won't show up on YWS until the next draft, but just know that I'm keeping all of this in mind.



BluesClues says...


Right, of course. I do the same with all the reviews I get. :)




If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman