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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Alsari 24 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


Animated by a necromancer?” Thørn repeated. “What does that mean for us?”

“This necromancer must be putting a lot of magic into the naga to keep it from being hurt,” I observed.

“So if you keep killing it, the necromancer will tire and it will stay dead,” Thørn concluded.

“Yes, but I’ll probably tire first,” I said.

The massive snake’s head swiveled in our direction, it’s wounds sealed by violet magic.

“How do we stop it?” Thørn asked.

“Solve the riddle,” I said. Those words were starting to sound like a mantra, yet Thørn seemed no closer to completing the task.

“There is no riddle,” he said. I had to admit that there didn’t seem to be one, but Quint had said that was the way out. Now it seemed that he’d lied, but I had to give Thørn direction or he could panic. That was the last thing I needed.

The naga slithered closer. “Fine,” I snapped. “Just...do something.”

Thørn backed away from the snake, and it ignored him, honing in on me. It’s mouth opened, preparing to strike, but a jagged rock shot from the ground, driving straight through it’s head.

The snake went limp again, but it didn’t stay that way for long. In seconds, it had pulled its head off the spear, but its attention had shifted to Thørn. The boy’s eyes widened as he stared at the creatures scaled hide.

“Thørn, run!” I shouted. He didn’t move.

“No,” he said. “No, I figured it out. I figured out the riddle. Well, it’s not so much a riddle as-” The naga tensed to strike. “Oh.”

All at once, Thørn dove to the side, the naga lashed out, and I threw my sword at it. Thørn would have avoided the worst of the attack with his dodge, but the naga would still have hurt him if I hadn’t thrown my sword. It hit the naga’s lower jaw, glancing off, but knocking it’s attack to the side and preventing Thørn from being eaten. My sword skittered away.

“What was that about solving the riddle?” I called across the room to him.

“The naga is the riddle. Brainteaser. Puzzle. Riddle was a bit misleading,” Thørn said.

“But what’s the answer?” I growled. The naga had regained its senses.

“I noticed there was something odd about its markings,” the telepath explained. “And that got me thinking. Quint had said ‘you will be presented with a riddle,’ but all we got was a-”

“Quickly!” I said. The naga had it’s sights set on Thørn again.

“Look at the patterns on its skin. If you superimpose its markings on top of each other, you get this.” When he said ‘this,’ an illusory symbol flared to life in front of him. Thørn had figured out how to make illusions. The symbol was a circle with two tendrils twisting towards a dot at the center. The naga saw the symbol, shuddered, and collapsed. It reverted to its natural, lifeless state. The necromancy had been woven so that it would collapse at the sight of the rune.

My eyes widened when I saw the symbol and I clapped a hand over my right forearm. Painful memories roiled through my mind, and I tried to suppress them. There was time for that later.

Thørn’s eyes glowed with the victory, but he seemed to notice that I had been happier when faced with a massive snake. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I growled. “I just… remembered something unpleasant. I need to talk to Quint.”

As if on queue, the doors opened to reveal the dark haired man. “Wonderful job, both of you,” he said, pleased. “Alsari, you did a spectacular job holding off the naga, and Thørn, you solved the riddle in reccord-”

“What in Krahl’s name was that?” I snarled. Thørn lagged behind me, but I knew he was listening to every word we said.

“I’m afraid I don’t know who Krahl is, but by your tone, I can tell that I don’t want to be associated with his name,” Quint calmly replied. “What’s troubling you?”

“Who designed this test?” I asked.

“I did.”

I stared straight into Quint’s dark eyes, probing them for whatever they were hiding, but he seemed to be confused and concerned. He didn’t know. Without breaking eye contact, I began to roll up the sleeve on my right arm. I could almost feel Thørn’s gaze boring into me. I continued to pull up the sleeve until it revealed a knotted scar etched onto my forearm.

Quint’s eyes stretched and Thørn gasped behind me. The burn was the exact symbol that Feltrix had just summoned to defeat the naga with the rune hidden on its scales.

“This brand marks heretics on the world of Karadan,” I said, managing to keep my voice steady. “So what was it doing here, hidden on a snake?”

“I….I have no idea,” Quint apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you any distress. Is there any chance this could be some sort of coincidence?”

“I doubt it.” I brushed past Quint and heading for my room. At first I’d thought he had been mocking me, but now I knew he hadn’t. It couldn’t be a coincidence that the marks were identical.

I strode down the dark carpet on the Academy’s floor, reaching the door to my room. I reached to open it, but something stopped me.

“What did you do?” a voice from behind me asked.

I turned and saw Thørn standing behind me, dressed in the white Eternian Academy uniform.

“What did you do to be branded for heresy?” he repeated.

“It’s a long story,” I said, turning away.

“I’m sure you can summarize.”

I sighed. “I killed the gods,” I replied.

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Sun Oct 29, 2017 7:04 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Okay,I should write at least one more before review day ends...

Specifics

1. I'm not sure about using the possessive form of apostrophe in 'it's'. I've been brought up to only use an apostrophe for its when meaning it is or it has but I'm not sure if that's technically correct, or if you should use one for the possessive as well. I just thought I'd mention it in passing though.

2.

The snake went limp again, but it didn’t stay that way for long. In seconds, it had pulled its head off the spear, but its attention had shifted to Thørn. The boy’s eyes widened as he stared at the creature's scaled hide.


3.
“Look at the patterns on its skin. If you superimpose its markings on top of each other, you get this.” When he said ‘this,’ an illusory symbol flared to life in front of him. Thørn had figured out how to make illusions.
This seems too sudden. I think we need to see Thorn gradually realising this ability he has or to see some surprise from him that the symbol appeared - surely he couldn't be expecting it when he has never done that before? People's magic advancing is a fun thing to happen in novels but there needs to be logic to it or some kind of build up. I'm also not sure that it makes sense for the snake to collapse at the sight of the rune - how would they have predicted that Thorn would gain illusion magic or solve the riddle in that way? I think it needs to be more generic than that. Perhaps the Necromancer stops reviving the snake now it has served its purpose in teaching this lesson?

4.
As if on queue cue, the doors opened to reveal the dark haired man.


5.
“Wonderful job, both of you,” he said, pleased. “Alsari, you did a spectacular job holding off the naga, and Thørn, you solved the riddle in reccord record-”


6.
“I….I have no idea,” Quint apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you any distress. Is there any chance this could be some sort of coincidence?”
This doesn't make ense or serve enough of an explanation. Why did Quint include it in the test? Clearly the rune has a different meaning for him but I feel he needs to explain that rather than say 'I have no idea'.

Overall

What a fun end to the chapter! I love how simple Alsari is about the statement, like it's no big deal. I think there needs to be more reason behind this test or like Quint needs to give a better explanation to make it believable that they'd put too kids in danger just so one of them can see a symbol and realise it has some significance. I'm also not sure I buy how Thorn realised the symbol was the solution to the riddle - snakes can have really strange markings so what abut this one made him think twice? Has he seen the symbol somewhere before or did it feel like something to him? I actually think this chapter would work better from Thorn's point of view since Alsari isn't really doing much that's extraordinary. It's Thorn who solves the riddle, who discovers a new ability and who finds out he's hanging out with some crazy girl who may or may not have killed some Gods. I think his emotions/ thoughts would be the most interesting in this situation.

Keep the chapters coming and I may get to the next one in an hour or two but I'm semi obsessed with Being Human at the moment and another episode is too much to resist :)

~Heather




Feltrix says...


Since you seem to be reviewing a lot of my works, do you want me to tag you when I come out with future chapters?



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Tue Sep 05, 2017 7:29 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hi Feltrix! Here for a #RevMo review :D

So this is a pretty short chapter but things do HAPPEN. Like solving the riddle, the strange coincidence to Alsari's scar. Alsari's past is slowly opening up, bit by bit, and I think that it's really intriguing to see how her past shapes up to form her, her powers, and her decisions. And the heresy! And how could she kill the gods? The more I read your story, the more it seems interesting so I think that's a great thing! :) :)

I see that Thorn solved the riddle very quickly, but it just feels a little too fast. thought that it was convenient for Thorn to just suddenly be able to create illusions. It just feels too quick to me, whether he has plenty of magic or not. It just doesn't feel realistic if there's no hints that he can do it at short notice. That's why the snake's falling apart feels too easy. I think Thorn solving the riddle, well, is not too bad because I imagine he's more observant about this kind of markings then Alsari, who is focused on attack--attack--attack. I would suggest slowing down that part and raising the tension a bit because I think that solving the riddle is one part, actually applying it is another.

I can imagine that Quint would be terribly confused by this--he must have been expecting them to be a little triumphant? And then he saw Alsari growing upset and more upset and he might be feeling horrified that this mark was a sign of a heretic. He's definitely has a more humane side than that other woman (what was her name again? <.<)

One last comment I have is that majority of your dialogue tags tend to be he/she "said", "replied". I think adding body language and weaving in the atmosphere can really make it more powerful. Body language can show the emotions of the people and develop their characterization (such as any habits they have, like chewing fingernails). You can also weave in the atmosphere to raise the tension.

For example,

Animated by a necromancer?” Thørn repeated. “What does that mean for us?”

“This necromancer must be putting a lot of magic into the naga to keep it from being hurt,” I observed.


They are talking but you can add more specific tags (They don't have to be speech tags. Body language and actions to make the scene more vivid are good!) I tried my hand at rewriting a few of the tags to show an example, but remember that in the end it's up to you whether to use my advice or not.

Animated by a necromancer?” Thørn's forehead crinkled with confusion. “What does that mean for us?”

My eyes roved over the serpent that lay on the cold stone floor. “This necromancer must be putting a lot of magic into the naga to keep it from being hurt.”


I really enjoyed this chapter anyway and I'm looking forward to more of them! Hope this helps~

-Ink




Feltrix says...


Thanks for the review! I'm really glad that you're so interested in the story. And the name is Regent Kyra Solar.



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Mon Sep 04, 2017 2:55 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Feltrix! This is Kays here dropping in for a review on a Sunday night for the sake of helping to clear the Green Room out. I didn't intend to do another review today but I may as well--nothing better to do with my time! With that being said, let's begin.

I see that this is a rather short chapter in nature. I can almost say that this seems (because I don't know the average word count, I'm only going off of past experience with reading and reviewing a few chapters) shorter than usual which I found to be interesting because even then this is visually on the thinner side because of the amount of dialogue that's here compared to the amount of description and other elements. That being said while I enjoyed the dialogue and this chapter does a nice job at avoiding having talking heads, I'm going to suggest balancing out the elements a bit and I'd even dare to suggest adding in or describing more of the atmosphere around these characters.

This isn't a script--give us more of a balance. I have to say though that I enjoyed the interactions especially at the end of the chapter with the last sentence or line of dialogue being "I killed the gods". I'm not sure that the "I replied" is necessary to go after that because we start with "I sighed" but that's a minor issue. I have to critique the pacing for being a little bam bam bam and [/i]snap snap snap[/i] and what I mean by that is that is the chapter is generally a little snappy and fast. The pacing isn't to the point where I'm rushed but I certainly can see this working better not as quick.

There are pros and cons that come with pacing--generally the writer wants to be in the middle though there are cases when preference calls to one side--I can say with ease in my bones that yours is probably fast-paced writing. With fast-paced writing the reader can see the progression actively moving along and doesn't have to read ten pages of description about a forest that the protagonist is passing through--that's not even what I want to happen. There's a dependency on the scene--traveling if done before can be glazed over--there's no need to describe somebody riding their horse on a boring dirt trail for a long amount of time. However, longer scenes can work when the scenes are important. Try and flesh the chapter out if anything.

Overall, I enjoyed the character interactions even if the chapter is a little quick and passed by fast and found myself interested in what went on. Not bad, Feltrix! I've been kept intrigued throughout and the stakes are made well-enough by the tension (I can't say I wouldn't want more building of the tone though) that's built up. There's nothing here that completely blew me away, but I wasn't expecting for that. Work on balancing the elements of a novel in even if I can't say that this is the worst case of pacing or one element controlling the others, there's room to grow and flesh out the details.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47