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Young Writers Society



Ascension: Alsari 16 (The Myriad book 1)

by Feltrix


I looked the boy up and down. He was dressed in a shabby uniform, probably from a school. He had brown hair and hazel eyes, he was about thirteen, and short for his age. He didn’t look like much, but the Academy had recruited him, so he had to have some hidden gift. He must be a mage, maybe even a Flicker.

When he set eyes on me, he blanched, but tried to cover his shock. I narrowed my eyes. Something about me had scared him. He probably hadn’t seen someone my age with white hair, or someone with silver eyes, but that wasn’t enough to make him this nervous.

“Thørn Feltrix, this is Alsari the Stoneshaper,” a man introduced us. “And I’m Quint.” Quint offered a handshake, which I ignored.

“What are these two here for, Solar?” I asked the illusion.

“Mr. Feltrix is here for the same reason you are. To learn the purpose of the Eternian Academy,” Solar said. “And Quint is here to make sure you don’t kill someone.” Kyra dissipated into thin air, and the guard left the room.

I thought Feltrix was going to faint. “Relax,” I said, shooting a look at Thørn. “I’m not going to kill anyone.” For some reason, the boy didn’t look comforted.

“Thørn is a telepath,” Quint explained. “He knows about your, er, conflict with the soldiers.”

“Ah.” Well, that explained things. “A telepath.” Mind control was a very hard and frustrating ability to fight. If Kyra thought Quint could stop both a telepath and me, then Thørn either had little to no knowledge of his magic, or Quint was someone I wouldn't want to fight. Or both.

“So…” Quint said. “Shall we begin?”

“With what?” I asked.

“You still don’t know the real purpose of the Academy,” Quint explained. “I’m here to change that.”

“I’d assume that the purpose of any academy would be to teach,” Thørn said. “But that’s not the case, is it?”

“Well, yes and no,” Quint said, failing to explain anything. “One of the primary purposes of the Eternian Academy is to train mages. But that’s not it’s only purpose. The Eternian Academy was formed to protect the Myriad.”

I groaned. I’d met many such self-righteous groups seeking to protect the multiverse. On the other hand, this casual mention of the Myriad meant that either Thørn or Quint, even both, were Flickers.

Quint continued. “We-”

“I’m going to stop you there,” I said, cutting him off. “On every world, someone thinks that the Myriad needs saving, and that they can help. I’ve heard this speech before, I’m sure I’ll hear it again, but I don’t need to hear it now. There are countless organizations who try to accomplish the same thing you are, and none of them are going to succeed. I’m not saying it’s not a good goal, it’s just not achievable. The Myriad is filled with violence and death. No one’s going to change that.”

“You’re wrong,” Quint said.

“Are you telling me you think an operation on one world is enough to help an entire multiverse?”

“No. That’s impossible, but it’s not what you’re wrong about,” Quint said. “There aren’t countless organizations trying to protect the Myriad. In fact, I can tell you the exact number: one. The Eternian Academy. We aren’t just on Archora, we stretch across the Myriad; every group dedicated to protecting the Myriad is one section of the Eternian Academy. We’re everywhere, Alsari. You’ve seen us many times without even knowing we were there. Now we’re revealing ourselves to you, and we need your help.”

That was interesting. If what Quint said was true, and I had no reason to believe it was, then the Eternian Academy was much more formidable than I had considered them before.

“Revealing is a delicate way of putting it,” I growled.

Quint grimaced. “I know Regent Kyra’s methods can be….questionable-”

“Questionable?” Thørn interrupted. “I was kidnapped!”

“-But there is no doubt in my mind that she has noble intent.”

“What good does intent do if she’s kidnapping people off the streets?” I asked.

“You were a special case, almost unique,” Quint murmured. He seemed to feel honest sadness about Solar’s methods. “You’re a Flicker, and a very dangerous one. We couldn’t take any chances.”

“What about me?” Thørn drawled from the corner. “I don’t seem to remember a lot of negotiation during my capture.”

“You’re recruitment-” Thørn raised an eyebrow. “Required a significant amount of negotiation. Just not with you. We discussed it in great detail with your parents, who decided that this was what’s best for you.”

“I have a hard time believing that.”

“They wanted you to have something they couldn’t,” Quint said. “If you had remained with them, you would have made a mistake, revealed your powers, and been snatched by the Royal Guard. You never would have learned you were a Flicker. Even if you had managed to keep them hidden, your life would have been an unremarkable one. You would have remained working class, fighting to stay out of poverty, and remain uneducated to your potential.”

“So, let me get this straight,” he said. “You think that it’s a great idea to uproot children from everything they’ve ever known without him having any knowledge of what’s happening?”

“I know that many of the Regent’s are wrong,” Quint repeated. “But the Myriad is a better place for the Eternian Academy being there.” Quint sighed. “We need people like you. People who can make actual changes in the Myriad, and will continue to do so for a long time to come. I know nothing I say will convince you that joining the Academy is the right choice, all I ask is that you think it over.”


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Thu Jul 20, 2017 11:46 am
Rydia wrote a review...



So I’m in Shanghai. I didn’t work on this on the plane in the end – I watched a few films and then was too tired to really focus on much. But hey, you may be the only person on the whole of YWS to have a review written by me in Shanghai so that’s cool, right?

Specifics

1. It’s great to see Thorn through Alsari’s eyes and that’s a nice way to introduce the chapter and remind us where you left off.

2.

I thought Feltrix was going to faint. “Relax,” I said, shooting a look at Thørn. “I’m not going to kill anyone.”
The switching between Feltrix and Thorn is okay sometimes but it doesn’t work here. Alsari has just met this person and when we meet someone, we decide on one name to call them at first. It’s hard enough to associate one name with a face, never mind two. Only later do we add in nicknames or alternatives but when we first meet them, we will call them by one thing in our heads. That thing may change as we interact with them but here Alsari changes the name without any significant interaction from Thorn.

3. The explanation from Quint that they are everywhere is very well put and one of the first real eye openers in this series in terms of where the plot is going and who the key players are. Very nice. However, I think he’s wrong to say Alsari has seen them many times without knowing they were there as she has already said that she has met lots of groups – so she didn’t know who they were but she knew they were there. Maybe re-phrase that to ‘You’ve seen us many times without even knowing who we were.’ The rest of the speech work really well.

4.
That was interesting. If what Quint said was true, and I had no reason to believe it was, then the Eternian Academy was much more formidable than I had considered them before.
This is awkwardly phrased. If she doesn’t believe them then she shouldn’t find it interesting. That second sentence needs to be a but. Like: ‘That was interesting. If what Quint said was true, and maybe it wasn’t but if it was, the Eternian Academy was much more formidable than I had considered them.’

5.
You’re Your recruitment-” Thørn raised an eyebrow. “Required a significant amount of negotiation. Just not with you. We discussed it in great detail with your parents, who decided that this was what’s best for you.”
If they discussed it with his parents and they agreed then surely they would have taken him from his home instead of the school, after his parents had a chance to talk to him or assure him it was okay. I’m not really buying the story that there wasn’t a more peaceful way to do this.

Overall

Quint really makes this chapter which on the one hand is a shame because Thorn and Alsari don’t get a chance to shine. But on the other hand, it’s good to meet a character who seems passionate about something and who seems to be very soulful and driven. I think it would be good to have a few more hints of Quint’s background and perhaps he would reveal some of this to encourage them to trust him. Was he perhaps recruited by the academy in a similar way once? Is he perhaps also a Flicker?

I think we also need a reminder that Alsari is blocked from her magic and to understand how she feels about that. Does she avoid mentioning it because she doesn’t want the telepath to know she is helpless? I think we need to see more of her worry/ fear around this because Alsari is a very hot headed girl and she shouldn’t take a back seat completely, not when it’s a chapter from her view point.

See you again soon!

~Heather




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Sun Apr 23, 2017 9:48 pm
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Feltrix says...



@BlueAfrica, I'm having trouble replying, it's kind of wonky, so I'll just address your question up here. Yeah, Thørn Feltrix is one of my narrators.




BluesClues says...


I'm remembering...like a house party or something.



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Sun Apr 23, 2017 6:38 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello there--I'm moving this out of the Green Room :)

I agree with BlueAfrica below that Thorn was sometimes disappearing and appearing. Even though it's Alsari's POV, you still have to consider the other characters. In my WIP, I had this problem and completely forgot to include one character. It was like a "Oh no". You know, you have to mentally remind yourself to include Thorn. Since there're only three, in this scene, they are all important and you'll have to make sure to mention them.

So...it's an interesting revelation that the Eternian Academy is the one and only one taking care of the Myriad. On one hand, I feel like it's true--they're stretching out all over, especially with the "omniscient" (my feeling) Solar. On the other hand, due to their shady methods of recruiting, I'm also wondering, Is it true? Is the Academy even part of something bigger?. This part honestly isn't a critique; this is just my personal opinion and I do love to speculate such things that might never happen.

The dialogue was a little like "talking heads". This happens when nothing happens except for their talking. The only action I saw in the middle was grimacing and so forth. Documenting ever unimportant action is redundant and boring, but I feel as if you could include some behavior that shows how the characters are feeling.

I was also slightly disappointed by the vagueness here. Quint and Solar keep saying, "This is for the good for the Myriad; we're trying to help them." But it feels nonspecific, you think? I mean, like how they do it? Would either of them--Alsari, Thorn--want to know what they will do as members of the Eternian Academy? Like what kind of changes? This may be just a selfish wish, but from a reader's viewpoint, I'd like to know soon.

I felt as though I saw something deeper in Quint--he's a person, not just a nameless helper of Solar. And I'm really glad to see this. It's as if he's still loyal to Solar, but has his own opinions. I'm sensing some internal conflict in him and if he's going to be a major character, perhaps his opinions may affect the story? So I suppose I'm done commenting and I hope you have a great day!

~Princess Ink~




Feltrix says...


I'm really excited on how you think of the Academy and Quint, because that's exactly the impression I wanted to give.

Quint is an interesting story, because when I first came up with him, he was just a mindless Eternian Academy member. In fact, I came up with his name because I liked how capital Q looked in the font I was using. As I began to get a better picture of how the series would progress, Quint has become a major character not just in this book, but in my vague ideas for the series beyond it.



PrincessInk says...


That sounds exciting! :)



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Sat Apr 22, 2017 1:05 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



I feel like I remember the name Feltrix from something I read on here a long time ago, but I don't remember if it was part of this.

ANYWAY.

HOLY MOTHER OF NAMES, BATMAN. (I'm using that phrase a lot today for some reason.) Look at this.

“Thørn Feltrix, this is Alsari the Stoneshaper,” a man introduced us. “And I’m Quint.” Quint offered a handshake, which I ignored.

“What are these two here for, Solar?” I asked the illusion.

“Mr. Feltrix is here for the same reason you are. To learn the purpose of the Eternian Academy,” Solar said. “And Quint is here to make sure you don’t kill someone.” Kyra dissipated into thin air, and the guard left the room.

I thought Feltrix was going to faint. “Relax,” I said, shooting a look at Thørn. “I’m not going to kill anyone.” For some reason, the boy didn’t look comforted.

“Thørn is a telepath,” Quint explained. “He knows about your, er, conflict with the soldiers.”


I know this is a chapter I'm picking up way in the middle. But: Thorn Feltrix, Alsari, Quint, Solar, Kyra. That's a lot of names dropped in such a short space of time.

What made it really confusing, though, was the fact that the narration started off referring to Feltrix as "Feltrix" and then switched over to "Thorn." I actually forgot they were the same person, so for a while I was like, "Wait, who is Thorn? I thought we were looking at Feltrix" and then it got to a point where I was like, "Wait, who's even talking?" Try to stick to the same names for different characters, at least within one viewpoint.

I think another thing was that meeting Feltrix seemed like the main point of the chapter at the start, but he disappeared pretty quickly. He kind of got edged out by Alsari and Quint arguing about whether or not the Myriad can be saved. This seems more like a conversation for another time, when they're alone. Or else it seems like maybe Feltrix should butt in a little more, like, "Hello, still clueless over here. Anyone want to clue me into what you're talking about?"

Or at least the narration should mention him now and then so we know he's there!




Feltrix says...


I wonder where you could have heard the name "Feltrix?" It couldn't be the username of a handsome and highly intelligent, YWSer, could it?



BluesClues says...


Heh heh heh. OF COURSE IT IS, but I'm nearly 100% sure I may have read part of this story a really long time ago, maybe, but a part from Feltrix's point of view?




"You may deem me romantic, my dear sister, but I bitterly feel the want of a friend."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein