I shivered as my curtains snapped and fluttered, straining in the violent surge of wind.
The windows shouldn't be opened. They mustn't.
I shivered again and moaned a little.
I had always been inexplicably drawn to windows; perhaps that was why I was so afraid of them.
We were raised to be afraid of windows, of the Wretches that came through the windows at night, and only at night. We were afraid, yes, but none were as afraid as I was. None were as obsessed as I was.
I had seen the Wretches before, back when the window mesmerized me more than terrified me.
They had sallow cheeks and smelt of death (I had opened the window a crack, an extremely bold decision considering the dangers) and their limp, greasy hair hung past their hunched and mangled shoulders.
The Wretches had taken many people in their sleep before, back when they first came into existence. They only ever came through windows, only at night. No one knew why, or where they went during the day, and no one wanted to know.
They took less now, as we all stuck to a code and sealed our windows shut, adding heavy curtains and soundproof glass so that we could forget about them completely.
My grandmother had never made the additions just in case an emergency arose. At least, that was what she claimed.
As I have said, my windows were open, wide open, as wide as windows could, in fact, open. I was mortally ill and confined to my bed, but the lack of outside air was getting to me and I became feverish.
My grandmother said that this was the emergency she was waiting for and flung open the windows. And now I waited in silence as night fell. I used to be more entranced by the windows than afraid of them. Now my fear won out and I huddled in my bed, too close to the window. Too close.
I heard a dull thud. I was almost too scared to look out, too scared- but my head turned without my consent, and I came face-to-face with the first Wretch I had seen in over five years.
The pale, milky eyes the color of vomit, making me want to vomit myself. The yellowing teeth edged in black horror. The sunken face and protruding nose.
I shuddered but got up, the lure of the open window was irresistible. I had no choice. One of the Wretch's boney hands clutched at the windowsill, the other stretched out as if inviting me.
Hesitantly, I took the hand in my own. It was cold and slightly damp, just as mine would be as soon as the life left me- and that would definitely be soon.
The Wretch led me out through the window, and suddenly I wasn't afraid anymore. I laughed aloud. This is what I spent my whole life trying to prevent, and look at me now! It's not half bad.
The Wretch turned to me and said something in a jarring, harsh dialect.
"What?" I asked. I was now comfortable in the Wretch's presence. He (I had decided that the Wretch was a "he" and I named him Jed) spoke again, but this time it seemed almost recognizable.
"What?" I asked again. This time I could fully understand the reply, and I realized it wasn't because Jed was speaking English. It was because I was learning his language.
"Hello Yesterday," he had said. "Let me show you the real world."
Holding his hand tight, we stepped out into oblivion.
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey Falco!
I'm finally here for a review. Sorry it took me so long to get to your portfolio. >.<
Anyway, I didn't spot a single misspelling or other grammatical error, and that's usually what I pick off, so this won't be a very long review.
Granted, there might be some and I just didn't notice because this story was amazing!
The descriptions you used, the idea itself, even the character's, Yesterday's, intrigue with windows. It was all incredible and I was just as curious (and slightly scared) of the Wretches.
In the above sentences you really painted an image of these creatures. Great job, though I must say, the combination of "pale, milky eyes" and "the color of vomit" was a bit confusing. Are the eyes pale and also the color of vomit, or is the Wretch's skin the color of vomit?
Perhaps you could make that more clear, if it's the skin.
I will say that sometime slightly before or as the Wretch entered the window I expected such an ending as this (with the Wretch not hurting the MC, but rather taking them somewhere... better?)
Not that your story foreshadowed that too heavily or anything. I just expect everything to have plot twists. XD
The first few lines seem like they could have been bunched together a bit more closely. Perhaps the first two in one paragraph whilst the third hangs out below? Just a suggestion, though. Goodness knows I'm not the person to come to for paragraph separation advice.
"Yesterday" is a bit of a strange name for a person (though it does remind me of @Tuesday), and s/he was quite quick in nicknaming the Wretch.
Nonetheless, I must cut this review short as I have to go somewhere.
Keep an eye out for more reviews from me in the future though, as I'll be browsing your portfolio.
Keep writing!
-Hatt
Hey Zee here, I really liked this. I thought it was so creative. Honestly what your character did was something I would totally do. I am a very curios person so this was really fun to read. Despite how much I loved this I would like to give you criticism.
"They had sallow cheeks and smelt of death (I had opened the window a crack, an extremely bold decision considering the dangers) and their limp, greasy hair hung past their hunched and mangled shoulders." Honestly I don't think the middle part is necessary. It actually made the paragraph a bit confusing.
"What?" I asked. I was now comfortable in the Wretch's presence. He (I had decided that the Wretch was a "he" and I named him Jed) spoke again, but this time it seemed almost recognizable." Same thing with this, try to incorporate his name and the fact that the character names him somewhere else because it makes it confusing. Also little grammar errors you should maybe check out.
Over all I really did like this jut edit a bit more and it'll be great. Oh and it's a little late but welcome to the family.
Usually I only read the horror genre once in a blue moon because I have to really be up for it, but I really enjoyed this short. Like others have said, there are a few misused comma placements.
I think what I enjoyed most was the description given to the wretch, how his (Jed) eyes are a vomit color. Interesting. Also, I did not expect the main character to be learning his language rather than the other way around.
I'll have to check out more of your works!
Thank you for reviewing! I thought that somebody other than me would find that language transition interesting. I'm glad that you liked it.
There is a lot going on here in a short jaunt. I'm now kinda interested in this world you have written now of these Wretches. I am not sure if the Wretches are simply the fear of children, or actually creatures, but, I do enjoy the writing.
A few spelling errors are in there, like how ,now, has two commas around it, even though it isn't needed, its simple things really though. A few spaces where the capitalization is off and ect, nothing you can't fix by just looking at it again and fixing the problems.
Except for that, I liked the description of the wretches, they were nicely described. Of course, I enjoy darker writings, so, this is right up my alley with how you wrote them! They sound like something children would fear, and I enjoy it.
Keep writing.
Thanks! I have fixed the errors, hopefully it will be a little better now.
Hello! Authorian here for a review!
First off, this kinda irked me, but you used a lot of strange comas vs periods at times. Consider going back through and analyzing your period and coma use. Example- ""never made the additions, "in case of emergency" she said."" This entire sentence seems strange. The dialect is just sitting there for no reason. Also, small typo-
""and no ins wanted to know.""
Besides that, it seemed like you almost switched genres, or at least didn't make the ending dark enough for 'horror' consider changing it to horror/fantasy. Or expanding on it, you leave the reader with many questions.
What is the real world? Why did he call her 'yesterday' is that her name? A nickname? A reference to the world she is leaving? Where is she anyway? And, if the Wretches are so ugly, is she the ugly one, if she goes to there world? Why did she call him Jed? Is this set in the future? The past? The present? I. Want. To. Know.
I'd seriously suggest expanding on this and turning it into a fantasy. What if she goes to his world and then transforms back to look like a normal human? Or she just befriends a bunch of greasy haired, vomit-eyed, hunched shouldered Wretches? She could learn, how, everyone in her world are in danger, and the Wretches have been trying to save them for years.
There's just so much you could do with this, please do it, and also, please look at your grammar just a little and try to figure out where, the comas, are in strange places, also where you have run-on sentences, they drag out the story and are exhausting. (And, yes, I did do that on purpose...)
Hope to see more to this!!
~Authorian
Thank you once again for reviewing, I will try to shorten those run-on sentences. Maybe I will add a second part to this, too... ah, I'm going to have so many short stories with a second part! If/when I make a second part, it probably won't answer all of those questions, I still want to leave it a little mysterious and open ended. Also, I did switch it to horror/fantasy. Thanks!
I didn't think you'd answer that many questions really, I kinda started giving examples and it ran on a bit... but you get the idea haha. If you do a second part, please tell me!
Hello! Thriver here to review.
It's a nice story, though I have to say I found it pretty weird to name the guy Jed pretty quick, considering it was a first encounter, even though you were in a kind of hypnotic state. My conscience tells me something was a miss during the encounter.
Hmmm... and the colour of the eyes... I wish a different phrase or word would be used instead of vomit.
While reading it, I found out quite a number of mistakes, wrong spelling and punctuation.
"The Wretches had taken many people in their sleep Before..."
Please make sure you review your work before submitting to correct some of the obvious mistakes. You never know, you might be presenting a different information from what you meant.
Anyway, good work. Love your choice of using suspense at the end.
Keep writing!