Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
He never sees me in the bathroom
never cared to look
For all he knows I could sit there
and read a whole goddamn book!
Some recognition would be nice
every now and again
In main time there's no spice
but in the bedroom he's a ten!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Every time I read this poem, I get a good laugh. There is good rhythm when it comes to this poem, but there’s one line that you should consider.
"never cared to look"
Throughout a poem, unless noted, it should be in the same time. If you're trying to make this poem present tense, then it should be "never cares to look." If you want past tense, then that will change the whole poem itself. At least think about that when you're writing. Any other way, this is a good read on a Friday morning.
Hey there! Hadj here trying to recover from my fear of reviewing!
First off, I really like this poem! It's short, humerus, and to the point. You're a very funny poet!
Nitpicks:
1) "Never cared to look" doesn't match the tense of "Never sees me in the bathroom. I would change it to "Never cares to look"
2) Lack of punctuation is fine in a poem. However, because you capitalize the first letter of every sentence, the lack of punctuation is a bit awkward in this poem.
Complaints:
Just a small thing,
I was confused by the penultimate line:
"In main time there's no spice"
Specifically, "In the main time,"
I've never heard that expression before, but I could understand it by context.
Maybe that's just me though.
Praise
Like I said in the beginning, awesome poem, and keep it up!
I love the final line, it sincerely wraps up the poem, and with a good laugh!
I had a pleasure reading your poem, keep writing!
Hadj
Hello again. I just could not stay away from another poem of yours and I thought if you were not sick of my reviews already then I'm back.
I could not stop laughing after I read this. You should've put it in comedy!
I think the poem shows what a lot of bad relationships are like and what a lot of teenage romances are like because I know a lot of people who just go on about this sort of stuff but never pay attention to them outside of the bedroom.
Not a long one here because I dont think there is a lot wrong. My only problem is the second last line because it feels like you've missed out a word and I know you havent but it just feels like im jumping across the sentence. If you could I think it would sound better if it ended in more relation to the last line as I know what you are trying to do there but it could be better.
Other than that this is great poem and I didnt expect anything less from you. Keep it up!