Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
I really want some ice cream
On this hot and sunny day
I really want some ice cream
But the van man ran away
He’s picking up the children
From the school just down the street
He’s picking up the children
Quite keen on young meat
I just wanted some ice cream
But my mummy told me no
I just wanted some ice cream
But she wouldn’t let me go
If you go with him, she said
You’ll end up in trouble
If you go with him, she said
Then you’ll be a couple
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Hey, yo, Bloodink (I got used to you with that name, so it's stuck)! Strangelove here on this PokeReview Day and I have a review for you!
Nothing like child predators to lighten up a poem. I liked this poem. I thought that it was good and fluent. I always enjoy your poems because they are sweet. You keep it simple and fluent. No big words or rhyme schemes to get caught up on.
Good stuff, the majority of the poem. I found really no problems about this. Kept it short and simple one liners. Also, the curiosity of the four year old. They don't know that they are going to get touched in the no-no squares. I could feel the innocence of the narrator.
One thing that I felt weird of (or how ever you word it):
The last line felt odd. I understand how it makes it rhyme, but I doubt that a kid would be told that.
Overall, good job.
Strangelove gives you..
7.9/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
Hey there! Scarlet here, as you know It's review day.
Which means...time to review!
Nitpicks first.
- Now what bothered me the most about this Is the lack of punctuation. You can't just add a few commas and think everything's gonna be okay. No worries though, I'll help you.
- It's alright to make these into two separate sentences but It would sound better with punctuation; Like so...
- Notice how I just added a few punctuation marks and it not only looks but sounds better? Also I lowercased on because it's not the start of a new sentence and therefore shouldn't be capitalized.
- Same with this, let me work it out for you.
- Now tell me what you think and you can work out the rest on your own.
Here are some articles on YWS that might help;
Punctuation within Dialogue
Commas
Punctuation&Poetry: New poet's guide [Can't I leave it out?]
How to Write Good Poetry
- The ending is rather weak, It's not really important to start strong. Though It is nice, but you must finish strong.
-I don't like how you ended it, not the story-line itself but the wording. Just that last line bothers me. Maybe look at some of those articles and change the ending if you'd like.
Other than that, you did a wonderful job. I love the darkness and story-line of this poem.
Keep writing!
Sincerely, Scarlet; Member of #0000BF ">Team Aqua!
clubs/1983 - #0000FF ">Team Aqua Headquarters
Hey.
Thanks for the review, but I'm happy with this the way it is. It may not necessarily be "good poetry" or have the correct punctuation or whatever, but the meaning behind the words is more important in this case.
Hey.
)
So,now ,its me doing a review for you.
Well,I must say,its quite a simplistic beauty in terms with the what you call is "Reality" .
The use of the refrain creates quite an impact.And why? You are no less a child yourself,when you go about narrating why you couldnt get an ice-cream.(Was quite cute,you know?
What could have been better :If you could have brought in some more of an element of shock into the last stanza,to give the readers a mild shock.The use of words there,could have been better,I feel.
But in a nutshell,it was really entertaining reading this piece.Keep writing!
Hey! Great efforts you have put in here.
I can see a pattern that is
I really want some ice cream
On this hot and sunny day
I really want some ice cream
But the van man ran away
You use the same word for ending the sentence in every first and third line of each stanza and you rhyme the second and the last.
Quite creative, I must say.
The ending was sort of funny.
A bit more efforts and this piece be great!
PS- I liked this part
He’s picking up the children
From the school just down the street
He’s picking up the children
Quite keen on young meat
KEEP WRITING!