Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
Roo had a lethal wit
And a killer pair of tits
She usually always dressed in pink
To try and the make the young boys wink
On doors she'd knock
And suck their cocks
To pay for her new clothes
Yes Roo, she was just that shallow
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,730 Reviews
Hi!
To start off, I really want to tell you how much I admire your humor. This poem is very funny and even though it's a little crude, I really enjoyed it.
One thing I want to say, though, is that it doesn't feel complete. I understand that this is supposed to be short and sweet and whatnot, but it doesn't feel like it's finished. I think it might have to do a bit with the lack of punctuation, but I would also venture to say that it's because there isn't a point to this poem. There isn't a reason for anyone to read it.
I think you could make this poem spectacular by adding a third stanza or even altering some of the lines you have as of now. The first two lines are amazing and impactful, but the next two don't quite have that same punch. "Pink" and "wink" are not strong words and it brings down the enthusiasm and the attitude of this poem, which is why I think you should alter those lines or add a new stanza.
The second stanza also feels incomplete because the first three lines go so well together that it feels like there will be another two or three lines after, but it's just one and it ends up being disappointing, like the reader was cheated out of a complete ending.
I think you're poem is great, but it has the potential to be something even greater.
Keep writing and good luck,
Dianne E.C.E.
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Wow. That was...different. I'm not sure I picked up on why "lethal wit" was so important, though, or what its significance was. (The title draws a lot of attention to it, and then the poem has nothing to do with it, that I could tell.)
Two minor things, maybe stylistic, maybe not, but they both have to do with the last line of each stanza.
It should be "try to make". The rhythm of that last line is a little off. It may just be because you have an extra "the" in front of "make."
But 'wink' just didn't feel like the right word for there. And when you set up the rhyme scheme and then didn't follow through on the last line, it really threw me off. So you could go with something more specific, like "turn" or "gape," and both warn the reader that the rhyme won't be adhered to and avoid the feeling of being forced into a rhyme.
My initial knee-jerk was that shallow didn't fit into the rhyme. But when I thought about it, I liked it better without being rhymed. As far as the reading flow goes, you could make it "Yes, Roo was" and it'd feel more concise, more direct. As is, it feels like you're talking to Roo, or answering one of her questions. That may be more of a stylistic thing, but I'd at least give it some more attention.
Now, should you choose to rhyme it, you could stoop to calling her a name (or something different), but I wouldn't. It just fits better this way, like the new clothes she's buying herself.
Hope this helps!
Well, this work reminds me somewhat of Lolita, the book I am reading at the moment. Maybe it's the name Roo, but I also find this work to be quite sad. I can assume Roo is a prostitute, or someone in that field of work. Maybe she is the "school slut", someone shamed for no reason. Who is to say the events in this poem even happen? Maybe this poem is a rumour designed by school bullies to put down Roo.
One nitpick: it should be "to try and make the young boys wink", however that is simply a typo, not a mistake in content. I like the colloquialism of the piece, and how downright rude and perverted it is. It feels like some mutated nursery rhyme to me, how childish it all is. I guess the pink in her dressing style reflects the colour of a vagina...?
Now this poem suggests that Roo is a prostitute, with the use of "doors", and her slang like name being more noticeable than before. I think that "pay for her new clothes" highlights it all, and how "shallow" she is, almost insulting her and being ignorant to her situation. In short, it appears no one really understands Roo and her reasons for being like this.
Another stellar work hun <333
I love you
Ha! Well here we have a delicious poem that you probably made to spite a girl you really hate but don't care to stat a street fight with. Anyway you had me from your first line. They say the tongue is stronger than the sword right? (no... that might have been the pen). Whichever way, wit being lethal is really something to wonder at. But then that second line... It flung the poem in a whole new direction. Now I'm thinking, "comedy?" By the end of the first stanza, I knew just who Roo was, and what her killer wit was all about, her tongue (both verbally and sexually) was used to seduce, and so was her dress, and it seems her body is pretty fine too. Now the next stanza is really just an escalation of the first. So... here cocksucking begins - not quite the regular topic of poetry around here. But then by the next line, "To pay for her new clothes" gives us a reason (not by any means a reasonable justification) for her killer wit and her habit of knocking and doors and delivering oral sex. So since she is paid to do this, she may be a prostitute (or just a slut, maybe?) The last line adds a new dimension to the poem though - the element of subjectivity. Here the narrator imposes their own judgement on the persona, which is not very good (or deep - hopefully there is a nice pun there...) one. This forces me to wonder whether I can trust anything the narrator says. Is this all an exaggeration or lie because Roo stole the persona's boyfriend? We don't know. Well this was a nice, fresh poem here - I am sure of that much.